The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author became involved with the qualifiers' problems to the point of forgetting that happiness is possible regardless of what the drinker decides to do. After beginning recovery in AlAnon, the author heard that "youll have to make it whether the alcoholics do or not."
Choosing to detach from inconsistent decisions and outcomes of the untreated alcoholic, the feeling of needing to try to control them faded. More energy was available to put toward the author's own recovery.
I can build a wonderful life today, rather than worry and try to control others' tomorrow. With the focus on myself, it is a relief to let go of the problems rather than feel I have to solve them.
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When I first arrived at AlAnon this concept was revolutionary to me. Until then, I practiced 'See a problem (real or projected), solve a problem' no matter whose it was. No problem too big, nor too small. I had no system in place to determine what to let go. It was unpleasant for me and those around me.
This is something I still wrestle with every day, but with the guidance of the program I am gaining ground and blessed with so much more peace when I choose to detach from outcomes, and hear out the problems of others without stepping in to solve them my way. Detachment and acceptance, true blessings of the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Paul Thanks for sharing on this important topic. I too was amazed when i heard that statement (you can be happy if the alcoholic is sill drinking or not). Allthough I doubted this statement I decided to work the program diligently, because I wanted the peace, compassion and love that others expressed at the meeting.
I too found that although detachment and acceptance of life on life' terms were difficult concepts the more I worked the Steps and the Slogans they became easier to achieve. This is a fantastic program and i am so pleased to have found it.
I am on my way to Atlantic City for a week (two vacations in a year-THANK YOU ALANON) I will have no computer access and will miss you all.
Good morning Paul - thank you for the daily, your service and your ESH. I too came to Al-Anon as a problem-solver...nothing too big or too small. I came to learn from being around recovering people that many of the problems I jumped into the middle of were not mine to solve, judge, engage, defend or even touch.....it was enlightening - and then it was a bit concerning how much of my life was spent engaged with OPP - Other People's Problems.
I have come to understand it is healthy for me to be of service if I can without loosing myself. It is helpful for me to be empathetic and supportive if I can without loosing myself. I consider each day a chance to learn more about this wonderful wild world and me, and each day I encounter a trying moment, I can test my tool use and my ability to remain serene.
I know I am spiritual fit when I can face uncomfortable moments, and draw upon my HP to peacefully stand in. I know I have grown in this program when I can separate the disease from those I love and be kind, compassionate and detached with love. I do at times still 'consider' jumping in and using my 'old skills' to solve the problems, yet I am gently reminded - not my circus, not my monkeys!
I do feel progress as each morning I choose serenity, peace and joy over anything else. I am grateful for my growth and continued progress in recovery. Today, I am cleaning big time....my parents are coming tomorrow, and will be here most of the week. Happy Monday to you and all - (((Hugs))) too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks hotrod and IAH for your ESH, always encouraging to hear and see how the program works...so powerful.
You both are headed on a journey, best to both of you! Hope your parents' visit goes well IAH, and watch out for the chicken man, hotrod (vague Bruce Springsteen ref I think of every time I hear 'Atlantic City'). I've never visited, but I'm sure you'll have a grand time!
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily, like Betty I had my doubts I could be happy regardless of what my AH does, but as I've slowly and steadily placed awareness on my needs and wants, I feel calm when I allow him the dignity to solve his problems. So much of my anxiety has melted away and left me we true faith in the program tools.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Thanks Paul for your share on today's Courage to Change page. It's a powerful reading and a very relevant for me too as I can still get caught up in other people's stuff if I'm not mindful to keep my focus on my own life. Higher power keeps me busy with plenty of "me" stuff to do each day but I work to find balance concerning self focus and loving support as opposed to enabling concerning the alcoholics in my life.
Those things were always there of course but when I was new to Alanon, I chose to ignore my own needs as secondary to the alcoholic in my life. Maybe I didn't feel well and could have benefited from a visit to a doctor. Maybe I needed to attend to some business matter. Maybe I could have bridged the self created distance between myself and the god of my understanding, family and friends that occurred from my over involvement with the life of the alcoholic. My obsessive involvement in the activities of the drinker in my life, caused imbalance in my own life and festered to the point of unmanageability. The Alanon program has shown me that this is the fallout from trying to force outcomes. Naturally, it was my inclination to blame the alcoholic for this but nevertheless this was my "bottom," and to stop the self imposed insanity, I would have to change behavior.
I spend my early Alanon years, sitting in f2f meetings and coming here but not working the Alanon steps. I guess I thought I'd get the program by osmosis. This amounted to noting things that others shared and misconstruing the meaning of the Alanon Slogans and Alanon terms like Detachment. I hadn't done the step work of Alanon and I hadn't addressed my fear.
Despite filling a seat in Alanon f2f meetings, because I wasn't willing to work the steps of the program, fear showed itself as F everything and run and I adopted a stance of Detaching with an Axe from the alcoholics in my life. My F.E.A.R. was so great that I was incapable of feeling any empathy for the alcoholics. I was incapable of seeing the alcoholics as a fellow human beings but rather as this disease which seemingly was out to get me! Let me also say for those reading this whom this might pertain to, physical distance is appropriate and suggested in Alanon if you are living in a dangerous situation in order to protect yourself and children. I was not living in such a situation. My belief however was that if I physically separated myself, my problems were over since the alcoholics in my life were in my opinion back then the cause of the chaos in my life. Little did I realize that wherever I would go, there I would be with the effects of alcoholism right along with me - all the baggage. You know... you can run but you can't hide (from yourself).
I'm grateful for spiritual awakenings that led me to see that working the steps of Alanon is an excellent investment in myself and well-being. I'm worth it! The steps helped me to identify my fears particularly concerning the well-being of others in my life and to let go and let god do what only a higher power can do. That surrender to a power greater than myself was the turning point for me. It transformed F.E.A.R. F everything and run into F.E.A.R. Face Everything and Recovery. Today, I can Detach with Love without losing myself.
Turning to the Alanon steps, I'm always on solid ground. A loving higher power is ever present and if I trip and fall, no need to catastrophsize. A higher power and people in Alanon help to lift me up with unconditional love and support. I'm not alone and I no longer feel the need to be overly involved in the actions of the alcoholics in my life nor to avoid alcoholics in my life like the plague. The Alanon program has taught me what "loving support" looks like. I can give to the alcoholics if, when, how and what I choose. I no longer feel manipulated and resentful for having allowed that to happen. Alanon has shown me I have choices and a right to make them. I'm no longer a people pleaser. I'm an hp pleaser! :) Thanks for letting me share. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
