The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about the freedom available through working the steps, especially Step 9, where we are asked to make amends. Many of us don't see our part in our lives until we seek recovery and work the steps. The writer discusses not being aware of the burden of guilt until this time in recovery.
Without knowing it, he/she had been carrying guilt for a long, long while. Making amends helped put the past behind and move forward with a clear conscience. Self-esteem continued to grow long after, and still increases and this helps us feel better about ourselves. However, there was an issue - the one owed amends the most was no longer living.
The writing comes to realize that a living amends is possible. Not being able to change the past, all that could happen was a change to present behavior. With this knowledge, he/she focused on just that - making sure to not shirk responsibilities, talked to newcomers, chaired meetings, shared his/her story, etc. With each action, amends were being made to the friend no longer present.
Today's reminder -- I Can't make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in its rightful place and leave it there.
Today's quote -- "Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness." from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
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I came to recovery full of blame directed at others. As I worked the program and put me first, I realized I had contributed to the issues, chaos and insanity. The awareness brought about guilt and it did feel like a heavy coat worn in summer often. A part of me was growing - my thinking was clearer, my ability to respond vs. react was better, etc. Yet, I still felt a heavy load over much of the past.
It is forward progress in the steps that helped me 'see' that forgiveness and amends were about healing me - not about feeling better about what others did or did not do to me. It's about humbling myself enough to own my part, lay it out there, correct it if possible and then let it go and move forward without it.
Working the steps gave me the most sanity back. All tools of the program support my new freedom, but the steps truly are what set me free. I'm grateful the program is here for all who want it and for all of you.
Happy Friday to one and all - got the babies this morning and then back to 'normal'. Make it a lovely day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Working the steps was scary for me at first. Sure, one starts with step 1, but eventually, one arrives at step 9, and step 9 was scary. But through the process of working the steps, I discovered that step 9 isn't about groveling or begging for forgiveness, it is about acknowledging my faulty behavior and trying to do better in the future.
Working the steps helped me to see that AlAnon is about helping me focus on me, helping me to let go of old guilt and old burdens, so I can focus on today and enjoying today. Working the steps really was about freeing myself from my past and allowing me to move forward in a healthier and happier direction.
Enjoy the babies and your Friday!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you IAH and Skorpi for your service and shares. I appreciate this page as a reminder of what I can control, and what I cannot. The past is certainly one that I cannot, yet that didn't stop me from trying. That resulted in a constant, dark cloud in my conscience.
As was mentioned, working through the steps helped in ways I never expected, as they allow me to work through some of those feelings and the anchors holding them in my mind. Learning to use the tools in AlAnon, including the Steps, has left me feeling so much 'lighter' and free. Truly a blessing of the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
It's about humbling myself enough to own my part, lay it out there, correct it if possible and then let it go and move forward without it.
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Yea, I used to think I had to lay on the railroad tracks to pay my pentence....Not anymore...I just , IF SAFE, get wtih the other person, own my part in the relationship problems or break up, take responsibility for MY actions andthen I let it go.....NO expectations that they will reciprocate and own /take responsibility for their part, hence, the freeing of me because I mowed my yard and picked up the leaves.....if they can't or won't??? its no reflection on me or my moving forward......this REALLY freed me of lingering bad feelings........thank you for your service......great reminder about good ole, used to be scary, step 9
I absolutely embrace and enjoy this reading -- thank you for posting it!
The freedom, for me, is that the steps, and having worked them, gives me the ability to live my life in a healthy, happy and meaningful way. It gives me the ability to be a better person, brother, son, father, partner, and friend, and I say better because not only am I (more) happy and healthy, but I am able to be there for others, do for them in a healthy and supportive way, etc. My parents raised me with compassion being so very important, and working the steps has brought me to an even more meaningful, more substantial role that compassion has in my life. That's truly amazing, but again, that's just me.
In working the steps, one thing that has become a constant is that I look at my role, my contribution, to whatever the issue is. I take ownership of my actions, my behavior, and while I hate the labels, both good and bad (Uggh). All of this, has a major role in "making amends" -- on many levels for me. Whatever it was I was facing, dealing with -- I can't go around it, over it, under it -- I have to go through it, and I can, because of this program and the people in it!
I like the past vs. present aspect of this, living amends, not being able to change the past, etc. -- and the whole thing about the present, present behavior, focusing on living today, happy, healthy, giving back, giving service, and so on.
The steps got me to focus on me, and while that's a good thing, like Iamhere said, it allowed me to look at and see my role, my contribution -- and yes, to the drams, chaos, and turmoil, and all of the things that I said I wanted to get away from! Working the steps was empowering, enlightening, and absolutely life-changing. It gave me a clarity and focus which allowed me to reach an even higher, better, healthier, and happier plateau of living. As I've said, miracles happen...I've seen them in the rooms.
Thanks again for sharing.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Good morning IAH, thanks for posting your thoughts on this important reading. Step 9 and the thought of making amends was very frightening to me at the start f this journey. It was suggested that I just take one step at a time. and by the time I reached step nine I would be ready to follow through with amends . This was so true. Naturally I learned that making amends did not mean that I run around saying sorry-- that I could do and did all the time without ever feeling sorry.:(
I found that making amends meant owning my part in the situation, learning the lessons from the interaction and then letting go of the anger, resentment and shame. Someone pointed out in the meeting, working the steps helped them to let go of the" idea of having a better past". That worked for me.
Today I practice step 10 religiously so not have any backlogof amends
Great shares everyone - love the ESH! My little guys have been dropped at day care, I've been to the store, filled up with gas and doing much needed laundry....I love my little guys dearly but I also love my 'me time'....
I too practice Step 10 each evening ... don't like to have any backlog if I can avoid it! I also have no issue with starting over at Step One any time I am feeling powerless over a person, place or thing. I truly am grateful that we have a blueprint for living that can help us restart our day over...
Make it a lovely day all!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
