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Ive been feeling kind of rocky today, like I've been hit on the head with something pretty heavy. I finally got to analyze this, and I've come to this. Short backstory: A couple of days ago my ex-abf sent a message to me that strongly suggested he wants to attempt suicide. I called cops. Well yesterday he told me the cops came and the medics sort of checked on him, and when the cops asked him what's going on he said he had a row with me, and that I've stormed off away from home in the middle of the night myself at times when I had been drinking, and he seemed pretty entertained when he told me this, like this was his big opportunity to tell someone what a crazy person I was and what he has to put up with. and he said he didn't pick up the phone when I called him after that suicide suggesting message because he just wanted to see how the situation would play out. Like I'm a guinea pig. Truthfully, this isn't the first time when he does something like that. Now I feel like he's just been p**ng on me after taking a s**t on me, probably thinking all the time he's doing me a favor. Well, now that I think about all this, REALLY think about this (took me some 24 hours), I'm MAD!!!!! And to think that yesterday I brought him food, AFTER all this s^^, cuz he's famished, you know, and I don't want him to starve himself. While, of course, there's enough money for booze. I'm mad at myself too, this "I'm starving" line soooo works on me, he can pull me through hell and cut me to pieces, and I still will want to at least feed him, the poor thing. I just need to get this out, cuz I'm angry as hell and I can't let go before I do that. -- So that's why I've been feeling like I've fallen from the Moon since the fake suicide episode, cuz I just went and made myself a gd victim again, and trying to let go before really realizing what I'm letting go OF. I love him, the old him who I believe still lurks somewhere unseen, but I think I really can't even be "friends" with him anymore, cuz this is not what friends do, ever. This pains me, but much much less than it used to. He's sick, and he's bringing me down with him if I'll allow it. I don't ever want to get NEAR that h** hole I was in before I got some recovery. ... I'm grateful I didn't continue in my denial. Also, this venting did me good, I feel like I've gotten rid of some poison in my system. Awareness - check, acceptance - check, action - to be done.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 13th of July 2017 02:29:40 PM
It sounds like A LOT has been going on. I absolutely believe you handled the situation with your XAB appropriately by involving the police .. now it's time to take a big step back and let him deal with everything .. he now knows you have no problem calling the appropriate authorities if he chooses to go down that path. I never like to see someone do that after dealing with my XAH and his pattern .. his pattern in my case was about attention as well as deflection of what was really going on. I got the police involved and let him deal with everything else. After the 2nd time of police involvement .. he got the clue .. he did jail time for that and he wound up admitting himself into a psych ward not because of his threats because he had literally jumped out of his mind.
When I started to truly understand how sick he was .. when I really understood how mentally unstable he still is in my mind that's when I was able to say NO NO NO NO NO. I had to detox from the insanity I was immersed in because it was all to easy to think and believe that this time it was going to be the time that "saved" him and the reality was .. it was not me who was going to save him .. he had his own stuff to work through.
I really hope you will continue with your program and allow yourself some time to heal and will be gentle with yourself .. I know it's not easy.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aline,
I had a bad day last week, and someone told me that people in Alanon can have slips too, that we can fall out of recovery just like an alcoholic. That made me feel good because I had lost my serenity for the day.
Yah. Love when the walls of denial come tumbling down. It made me angry too. I could have been violent with him I got so angry but it passed with the program. I learned it's not personal he's behaved just as a sick person behaves and it's nothing to do with me. What is completely my responsibilities is my choices and I had to learn about enabling and how it was hurting both of us. I managed to gradually make changes one day at a time and stopped enabling my sick son to keep being sick. The fear though God it's hard that fear of hunger or starvation thing gets me too. Along with homelessness. These two things and I'm triggered big time and can easily and have done switch to fix it saviour rescue mode. Your doing brilliant thank you for sharing x
Aline - good on you.....love the three A(s) and I'm one that needs 'strong nudges' at times to become aware! Anger in me is a good motivator for change. Just keep leaning into the program and you'll keep moving forward.
I did get a chuckle from your share - my son called me Wednesday and asked to spend the next 3 days (until payday) here with his kids. He's so broke, he can't feed himself or them - so the hunger card was used. I spent some time thinking before responding and gave him ground rules - including no politics!!! It's been OK - better than ever before even though we are very different people - progress is what we desire and I can 'see' it and 'feel' it.
Life is never easy with this disease, yet with recovery, we can carve out our own place and we can find peace and joy. It's different than I ever projected many moons ago but today, I can just be grateful for what is! The easiest way is to be grateful for what is working well instead of what's not.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Denial...wow, this is such a great topic for me. In my history and experiences, denial has reared it's head and appeared in many ways -- one being justification. I justify why I did or was doing what I was doing, as unhealthy as it may have been, and I make it "OK" so to speak. I want what I want, and I wanted to do what I wanted to do -- so I justified what I did. I manipulated and told my story, so that I didn't have to detach, or found an OK way to enable, whatever I was doing. I was in it. Ironically, I always felt I was doing something to make the other person feel better or not feel pain -- and in reality, what I was doing was to make me feel better or so that I didn't feel pain. So, I did it. Then, even if I felt better, or avoided pain -- it was only brief. I ended up feeling worse and more pain! There was the irony. It was a vicious, circular, hamster-wheel type thing; and it was so unhealthy for me.
I also rationalized and vacillated other unhealthy things I had done, or was doing, in part to make it OK and perhaps to continue doing it. Uggh. I needed to change, and wanted to change...but didn't want to change. The pain or fear of saying no, was greater than the pain or fear of continuing and saying yes. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I no longer wanted to be a doormat, I got up off the floor. For me it was the realization that I wasn't a victim...I was a volunteer. But I kept doing it -- giving money, paying the rent, accepting unacceptable behavior, continuing to accept being treated poorly, being taken advantage of, and so on. But I was in denial, about all of it. Oh, was I mad at myself. First, I was mad at her for "doing this to me" -- but more importantly, I was mad at myself for allowing it, for not having a voice and not saying "no more" or "I am done" and walking away. When I finally got on a quality path, a healthy path of recovery -- step by step, no pun intended, I was able to work on this and make progress, on this and everything else.
Thank you again for the excellent topic.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
