Good morning, Paul. Thanks for bringing today's topic.

Beginning with me was a foreign concept to me when I arrived at Alanon, I was fine, it was the alcoholic that was the problem. lol. Through working the 12 steps, I discovered that I had my own problems and challenges, and that I was contributing immensely to my own unhappiness.

Focusing on myself and my own program has really helped, because through my actions, I am able to be an example to new comers about how AlAnon can have a positive impact on their lives, and by taking care of myself first, I find that I have more compassion, understanding, and encouragement to share with others.

I hope you have a lovely day

Good morning and thank you for your service. The balance that the writer of this entry speaks about was something I found difficult. I came to Al Anon with so much frustration and resentment towards my qualifiers that it was all I could see. As I learned to put the focus on myself I discovered that I contributed to a lot of my misery. As I learned to be more kind and understanding towards myself I was able to extend that to others. Letting go of all of that resentment and blame I put on my AH was a relief for me. I built my AH up with too much power over me. Now I just see him as an imperfect human like the rest of us. I can be compassionate yet not feel the need to get overly involved with solving his problems. I don't have to take his actions personally and I think I live my life as a good example. I have seen my AH adopt some of the tools I have learned and he has seen me use in Al Anon. I don't attend al anon to help him but it seems to have a side effect of helping those around me. I hear my AH use slogans that he must have heard me say like keep it simple, easy does it, and Principles above personalities. He may never find sobriety but our lives are so much more peaceful these days. All because I learned to take better care of me.

Thanks Paul for the daily and your service.....thanks to all for the ESH above me.

When I arrived, there was nothing gentle about me/my style. I was 'good' and they were the issue/problem. I was full of anger, fear and much more!

My efforts at being kind started with just closing my mouth when I wanted to react or respond. I became aware early on with the help of a great sponsor that much of my reactions/responses were not loving, but rather were grating and controlling....ouch!!!

It took me a while to learn to pause, breathe and then respond as calmly as possible, many times without words - just a nod. As I worked the steps and became more aware of what makes me tick, I saw things I could work on that might help me build more kindness and compassion. It took one of my boys telling me that I was kinder to strangers/new members in recovery than I was to them to drive home my own 'expected standards' - which were hogwash!!

I am quite certain putting that out there was not easy for my child. I am quite certain that my words/actions trying to 'help' and 'cure' him were hurtful even when my intent was vastly different. These words were a game-changer for me and that's the catalyst that keeps me working hard, one day at a time, to be consistent and kind across the board.

Practicing kindness and listening helped me with compassion. I've learned that when I listen to hear instead of to respond, I have more empathy for another's story. I'm grateful how this all shook out for me. I too love, "Let it Begin With Me..." Interfacing with 3 active As daily gives me tons of opportunity to practice our program tools, and this one pops up front often.

My day has gone different than expected - had 2 little guys spend the night, one screaming for a few hours before sleep!!!! I'm so out of practice for having babies who are up in the night! My credit card company called this morning and some shyster tried to charge some 'things' during the middle of the night - had to go through the cancel process and fraud process. And a few hours ago, my son (father of the 2 little guys) asked if the 3 could come stay until Friday as he's broke, out of $$, hungry and needs help - so...I've got guests for the next 2 nights!

Life happens to all of us - I am grateful when I just roll with it as best I can and leave the outcomes to one more powerful than me!!!

This is a nice reminder

My case:  daughter--5 plus years clean of cocaine....I encourage the "you know what" out of her when she talks excited about a meeting she got some good ESH on, and the kinds of people she talks/hangs out with,  I tell her she is my little "star" for "womaning up" and getting honest and real with herself and getting the help she needed to be on the nice path she is on now....

When she was using, I loved her the same, but had to detach..let her reap what she was sowing...let her hit bottom and MAYBE (which she did when she went to jail) she would get help...I remember her tearful phone calls to me wanting me to help her....I had to say "no...you got yourself in this mess, you gotta learn the lesson being handed to you...."   It was the hardest thing a mom can do...let her child reap what she sows...experience the bad karma she made, BUT it was my ONLY hope of her getting her ass into recovery...I was not gonna blow it by enabling her...i did that b4...not since recovery, though and guess what??? loving her does not mean enabling, it means "i'm here WHEN you want to help yourself"  and I kept my word....she was going to meets..got sponsor..has tons of workbooks on the steps et al, and she WORKS it...she lives and breathes her program...she cut loose all the drinkers and druggers and teh drama kings and queens out of her life......she really cleaned up her "who is in my life" inventory as I did.....she told me she took a lot of pages out of my book and I am glad I had them to share with her WHEN she was READY to absorb them....

now we talk program and work steps together.....and I am her biggest cheerleader....she tells me I am her hero......i love her and that will never change...but she knows full well that I will not clean up her messes....not anymore....to do that would rob her of the lessons she needs to advance to a healthier and happier girl......to enable them is the biggest disservice we can do for them....it robs them of learning....like my alkie bro, tonight  "will you tell J I asked about her???"  my reply  "you got a phone...YOU call her and YOU do your OWN PR work...I'm not your mommie or your secretary..."   and he gulped and said  "oh yea, your right"   we shall see if he texts her....

not my business......I will help /encourage ANYone who WANTS to help themselves....the ones who are not ready or are on a self destroy trip??? I bless them and cut them loose......don't want to be drained by them....

Hi Lexie, welcome, and thank you for sharing.

When I first found AlAnon, I was resentful, frustrated, and no longer able to interact with my qualifier at a level that I found acceptable. Step 1 helped me recognize that my life had truly become unmanageable, and my best efforts had proven to be powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic.

I saw the 'Three C's' slogan on the wall at my first meeting, and it had a great impact on me: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and I can't Control it. Step 2 suggested that I needed help to return to sanity...and indeed I did...I had become someone I no longer liked and respected as I tried to control and deal with the disease my way. The program suggested that I had become as ill as the alcoholic.

AlAnon suggested that I keep the focus off of the alcoholic, and on my own, needed recovery. I learned that my happiness did not need to depend on what anyone else, including the alcoholic, was or was not doing. The program guided to see how my own actions and perspectives were responsible for the pain I was feeling, and make adjustments.

This was not a quick change for me, but by just starting with seeing the Three C's, I started feeling relief. C2C had some very helpful guidance on the topic Resentment, p. 178 one of my favorites, that helped me see how much my negative attitudes were really hurting me, and what I could do to make adjustments.

Hang in there, be patient with yourself, changing long held feelings and perspectives is not an overnight thing. I am grateful for the love and patience of the program for providing the guidance but allowing me the time to find my way. Glad you are here