The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I've never done anything like this before, but I need some support. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I've been married to my husband for 17 years. He is a major alcoholic. I have so many stories I want to share. I just need to know I came to the right place for a little support. I don't want to feel like I'm in this alone anymore. I have three son's 17, 15, & 12. I feel like I lean on them entirely way too much. They have enough on their plate worrying about their dad all the time. They do not need to worry about me, too. The other night my 15 year old spent the night at a friend's house and the next day he told his friends mom, I need to get home because I'm sure my dad is really drunk and my mom needs me. Talk about feeling like a piece of s*** mom.....
Kub, You came to a good place and we understand. Please do yourself the favor of finding a face to face alanon meeting where you live, and remember we are here pretty much 24/7. Keep coming back :) wp
Thank you WP. I have thought about finding an alanon meeting near me. It's sort of an obstacle for me. I do not drive and my husband's insecurities are through the roof more than usual right now for some reason. I think that's why I'm feeling extra crazy right now. I'm so exhausted from trying to reassure him and putting up with his drunken nuttiness every single day.
Welcome Kub as "wp" suggests, please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. You are not alone. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease many of us develop negative coping tools as the result of living with the insanity and do require a program of recovery in order to let go of the anger, resentments, self pity and fear which we develop because we did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alanon helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by and restored my self esteem and self worth Please do keep coming back
Welcome Kub, You are not alone, there are many people like yourself in Alanon. It is not easy raising children and living with an alcoholic, life can get away from you before you know it. There is help though, it is important to put you and your children's needs first so everyone can be emotionally healthy. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and life did seem to revolve around his different moods when he was drinking, which eventually became everyday. It is important to raise responsible children, but they should not have to live like that. It was very painful seeing what my mother went through. I commend you for reaching out, and I encourage you to find the strength to make it to a face to face meeting. I think Alanon is a great program and you will find a lot of friendly people here.
-- Edited by shrnp on Sunday 25th of June 2017 08:38:40 PM
Hello, I've never done anything like this before, but I need some support. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I've been married to my husband for 17 years. He is a major alcoholic. I have so many stories I want to share. I just need to know I came to the right place for a little support. I don't want to feel like I'm in this alone anymore. I have three son's 17, 15, & 12. I feel like I lean on them entirely way too much. They have enough on their plate worrying about their dad all the time. They do not need to worry about me, too. The other night my 15 year old spent the night at a friend's house and the next day he told his friends mom, I need to get home because I'm sure my dad is really drunk and my mom needs me. Talk about feeling like a piece of s*** mom.....
Hi and YES you came to the right place....LOADS of love and support and good sharing....I am an oldie here who left for a while and came back because I missed that connection with this wonderful place.......please stick around and share...we are listening.....and you are NOT a piece of s**** mom....Just another victim of this awful disease called alcholism, but you CAN take your life back by learning how to take care of you....HERE....In Alanon....when you start goign to the meetings , you will meet other folks who can share what they are doing to take their lives back.....I am glad you came....you have just taken the first step in re-claiming your life........IN SUPPORT
Hello, I've never done anything like this before, but I need some support. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I've been married to my husband for 17 years. He is a major alcoholic. I have so many stories I want to share. I just need to know I came to the right place for a little support. I don't want to feel like I'm in this alone anymore. I have three son's 17, 15, & 12. I feel like I lean on them entirely way too much. They have enough on their plate worrying about their dad all the time. They do not need to worry about me, too. The other night my 15 year old spent the night at a friend's house and the next day he told his friends mom, I need to get home because I'm sure my dad is really drunk and my mom needs me. Talk about feeling like a piece of s*** mom.....
Hello Kub -- you are absolutely in the right place. Welcome. First things first, stop beating yourself up. You should not feel like a piece of ______ mom. You should embrace the fact that your son, and your children, want to be there for you and recognize that the four of you have to stick together. You are there for them in ways no one else can be, and it is OK for them to be there for you in certain ways. You are lucky to have that.
Now, this is the time, right now -- where you must focus on yourself. Not the stories, not your husband, what he's doing, etc. FOCUS ON YOU. You have to get to face to face meetings. Find a ride, take Uber, something, anything -- get to meetings. I understand you do not drive -- but the part about your husband's insecurities being through the roof, more than usual right now, etc. -- that is you focusing on him and allowing him and who he is being to interfere and prevent you from getting better. I get that it might be "true" in your mind -- but figure out what you need to do for you. Don't let him and anything about him prevent you from getting better. You don't have to keep reassuring him. Don't put his feelings and wants above your own. Not any more. This may sound counter-intuitive to everything you've been thinking and doing -- but this is the change you need to make. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You cannot change anything about him -- you can only change YOU. And that's how you will get better.
Keep coming back.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo, putting me before him is going to be tough. I've always been happy to do so. I was able to, because I had a strong spirit with an inner peace that I thought no one could snatch from me. I still have some of that, but I'm starting to break. I've prayed about it so many nights. I cannot lose the little serenity I have left in me. I need to get to a place where I think it's ok and not selfish of me to put myself first for a bit. I need some healing, support and I need to let some things out. I have wonderful friends who are willing to listen to me all night, but they really do not understand. I see the judgement and pity in their eyes and in their words and that's not what I need. I do have my boys and especially my two oldest understand some. I am lucky and blessed to have them. At their age and the things they have witnessed and gone through I'm beyond lucky they have turned out to be such good boys. I'm going to keep coming back. Thank you all for having me.
Someone once said to me "you can't give from an empty cup, and boy do you want to give."
I'm not good at keeping my own batteries charged but, to be honest, it helps me to carry on giving, which is what I want to do.
My AH will lean on me in an effort to find his own serenity but sometimes it feels like I'm giving into a black hole. I struggled to recognise that our support was not mutual and became tired, irritable and nearly in danger of becoming something that I didn't want to be - a bitter old lady! Where was the fun in my life thought I!!!
It felt very selfish to me to do things for myself and I didn't feel like I had the energy to do anything much anyway, but the way I figured it was that if my husband did stop drinking I would be about as lively and as welcoming as a heap of week old washing, in need of care myself - that wasn't how I wanted to be!! So when I started to learn about taking care of myself I was doing it for others - which was ok, since it got me onto the road of taking responsibility for my well-being and I pledged to gift myself something nurturing each and every day - I started by painting my nails!
Eventually I came to realise that taking responsibility for my own wellbeing, being happy regardless of what my husband was doing, not only helped me, but it also took some of the guilty pressures off him as well. Who knew?!!!
I've just completed one year at university and it feels great. My husband says he is proud of what I've done, although these days it matters more to me that I am proud of what I've achieved with my days. However, I've come to recognise that by trying to keep my husband's peace instead of my own I was getting in the way of letting him pick up his own tools.
This place has helped me so much and I'm glad you found us. Recovery can be fun!
Bo, putting me before him is going to be tough. I've always been happy to do so. I was able to, because I had a strong spirit with an inner peace that I thought no one could snatch from me. I still have some of that, but I'm starting to break. I've prayed about it so many nights. I cannot lose the little serenity I have left in me. I need to get to a place where I think it's ok and not selfish of me to put myself first for a bit. I need some healing, support and I need to let some things out. I have wonderful friends who are willing to listen to me all night, but they really do not understand. I see the judgement and pity in their eyes and in their words and that's not what I need. I do have my boys and especially my two oldest understand some. I am lucky and blessed to have them. At their age and the things they have witnessed and gone through I'm beyond lucky they have turned out to be such good boys. I'm going to keep coming back. Thank you all for having me.
I hear you. I've been exactly right where you are. That is part of our disease, part of our sickness. Many people don't like to hear that -- our disease, our sickness -- however, alcoholism is an insidious, cunning, enigmatic, baffling, progressive, and decimating disease. What many people don't realize is that the sickness that comes from it -- is contagious. No, we don't "catch" alcoholism or become alcoholics. However, we become sick. We suffer from other ailments, disease, effects, and so on.
These other things -- co-dependency, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear, depression, stress, and any number of possible medical problems.
So, yes, you are starting to break -- but you are not broken. You must disentangle yourself from him, from the drama, the chaos, the constant back and forth, minute to minute minutia, etc. Yes, you need to talk to someone, people, and yes your friends don't understand -- that's why it is critical for you to GET TO FACE TO FACE MEETINGS! And when you go, ask for and arrange for rides, look at buses, uber, whatever you can. When you get there, get the two books -- One Day At A Time, and, Courage To Change. Get all the brochures -- they are free -- The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage, a merry go round called denial, so I an alcoholic, detachment, and more. Get a beginners pack and other brochures as well. Get a telephone list call people. Get a meeting list.
This disentangling is the first step in detachment, not enabling, not perpetuating and not contributing to his behavior, drama, chaos, etc. Stay out of his way. Don't engage when he's been drinking. Stop doing what you've been doing, and realize that nothing changes if nothing changes.
And keep coming back.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hello Kub, so glad you found us and reached out I, too, found AlAnon when I was at my wit's end after trying to understand the effects of alcohol in another, and trying to figure out what was best to do for them and for myself.
In AlAnon, I found the answers I was hoping for, and wisdom and guidance that helped me beyond any hopes I had for resolution and clarity. It was at a meeting and in the literature that I gained the insight, understanding, and tools that brought immediate relief; one such tool was the simple slogan: I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, and I can't control it...that realization helped so much!
Though many of us in AlAnon relate to the feelings and challenges that you've shared, no one else knows exactly what you are going through, all of the details, what you should/should not do, or what you need to do. These are all things that only you are able to determine based on what works/doesn't work for you, and the guidance you receive for god or a higher power.
In hearing from people from varied backgrounds and experiences in AlAnon, and from my own experience, I can echo the general recommendations above that you seek out AlAnon meetings and readings because it has helped so much. ALAnon works by providing a framework and guidance that allows each of us to find our way out of the chaos and insanity we find ourselves in.
Hang in there, there is hope, so glad you are here with us
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
By the way Kub, I noticed your avatar -- I know it's not literal, and I certainly don't mean to debate or argue -- but, you are not his cure. You can't be. It is up to him, and there is nothing you can do about it. He will only quit if he wants to, and when he wants to. Period. He can't do it for anyone else. He has to do it for himself. He has to want it. Right now his disease is stronger -- exponentially -- than any love for you, children, etc. You cannot cure him.
As far as "I was saving you" -- unfortunately, you may have tried, constantly, in the past. But you weren't. You can't. You can love, try, beg, plead, scream, threaten, name it -- it will not work. You can only detach, not enable, focus on you, and try to be there in a way that is healthy and supportive, for YOU!
The rest -- is true. He is your disease. He and his disease, and all of the byproducts of it are killing you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hello Kub - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. You are in the right place and you are not alone! Alcoholism is a powerful progressive disease that's never cured. It can be treated if one is willing - it's also considered a family disease....this is so as each person who lives with or loves an alcoholic is affected by the disease. We take on roles that aren't ours, we suffer from distorted thoughts and we often suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth. There are many reasons for this - for me, I felt beaten, defeated, over-whelmed and full of anxiety. Mostly because I consider myself a strong person and I am not a quitter - yet Alcoholism was and remains a powerful force I can't compete with - no matter how much I love another.
There is Al-Anon for friends and family and there is also Al-A-Teen in most communities. It is in meetings that I first felt I could breathe deeply for the first time in a long time. Those who came before me gently offered their own ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) with me and listened if/when I was ready to share. It was suggested that I take it easy, and just start with small things for me - read a book, take a walk, go to meetings, bubble bath, etc. Most of us, myself included, have neglected 'us' and the easiest way to learn how to focus on self is to take small actions lined up with 'me'...
Meetings for me were a safe place to rest, listen and share when I was ready. Literature is available at most meetings and literature is very helpful to recovery. We do try to focus on One Day at a Time - if that seems too much - go to one moment at a time. Recovery is available whether your person is actively drinking or in their own recovery.
Al-Anon is a gentle program allowing each of us to progress at our own rate in recovery. We avoid giving advice and directives as many of us have already lived with that for years. Instead, we use literature, slogans, steps, meetings, other tools and each other to heal/deal as best we can with the affects of living with the disease. We are a judgement free organization and we suggest aligning as best you can with the program and those who are working it well.
Please keep coming back and know there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
By the way Kub, I noticed your avatar -- I know it's not literal, and I certainly don't mean to debate or argue -- but, you are not his cure. You can't be. It is up to him, and there is nothing you can do about it. He will only quit if he wants to, and when he wants to. Period. He can't do it for anyone else. He has to do it for himself. He has to want it. Right now his disease is stronger -- exponentially -- than any love for you, children, etc. You cannot cure him.
As far as "I was saving you" -- unfortunately, you may have tried, constantly, in the past. But you weren't. You can't. You can love, try, beg, plead, scream, threaten, name it -- it will not work. You can only detach, not enable, focus on you, and try to be there in a way that is healthy and supportive, for YOU!
The rest -- is true. He is your disease. He and his disease, and all of the byproducts of it are killing you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I thought about that when I chose the avatar. I guess I've felt like that for so dang long I really related to it. I'm slowly but surely realizing I cannot cure or change him. I've delt with addicts and drunks my whole life. Both my parents died from overdosing. You think I would totally get it by now. I think I'm just going to change my avatar, because the point of me even coming here is that I don't want to feel that way anymore. Thank you for your insight :)
i dont drive either but i was lucky to meet an aa member whose girlfriend was in alanon and she drove me to my first meeting. i spoke up at the meeting,hoping to get a ride. a lady who lived near me was gracious enough to take me there and back for 2 yeaRS TIL I moved... dont be afraid to ask..service is important to alanon members.
By the way Kub, I noticed your avatar -- I know it's not literal, and I certainly don't mean to debate or argue -- but, you are not his cure. You can't be. It is up to him, and there is nothing you can do about it. He will only quit if he wants to, and when he wants to. Period. He can't do it for anyone else. He has to do it for himself. He has to want it. Right now his disease is stronger -- exponentially -- than any love for you, children, etc. You cannot cure him.
As far as "I was saving you" -- unfortunately, you may have tried, constantly, in the past. But you weren't. You can't. You can love, try, beg, plead, scream, threaten, name it -- it will not work. You can only detach, not enable, focus on you, and try to be there in a way that is healthy and supportive, for YOU!
The rest -- is true. He is your disease. He and his disease, and all of the byproducts of it are killing you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I thought about that when I chose the avatar. I guess I've felt like that for so dang long I really related to it. I'm slowly but surely realizing I cannot cure or change him. I've delt with addicts and drunks my whole life. Both my parents died from overdosing. You think I would totally get it by now. I think I'm just going to change my avatar, because the point of me even coming here is that I don't want to feel that way anymore. Thank you for your insight :)
That's good. You FELT that way. No more. You are making change NOW. Get to that meeting. And another one. You will find rides. We had a young woman come into a meeting and said she didn't drive, but she desperately wanted and needed to come to meetings. There were too many people who dropped her off and picked her up as well. And, most of them...went out of their way to do so.
That's what we do. Get to that meeting. Start doing the work and focusing on YOU today. We are here for you.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
