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Post Info TOPIC: I Left, I really left


Senior Member

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Posts: 154
Date:
I Left, I really left


Just left today. :( Even though abf is still in AA and doing well, he is still very selfish in real life and the things that have been mentally and physically done to me over the past 5 years have never really left me. He seems to forget the hitting me and breaking my ribs. Obviously I am super co-dependant and never left until now. He never tells me anything he loves about me. Just that I am pretty. I have no clue what he really likes about me as a person. That cannot be normal. at this moment I am mad, but I know the sadness and pain is coming.. i dread it and I hate myself for being so afraid to be alone. My teen daughter doesnt really need me and I dont have friends (his friends were my friends!) I stayed because I felt sorry for him. Now I hear relapses are common. And I dont wanna live in anxiety anymore.

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Aerin xoxo



Senior Member

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I am sorry Aerin,
My ex-A was violent, I could not live with him. It does not ever go away, the memories when you stay with them even after it stops. People should not have to live like that, I was just as sick as he was staying in the insanity. It is hard, all of my friends were his just like you say. I really was not allowed to talk to anybody else. I could but then my ex would say stuff about them, so I just stopped trying to make my own friends. I have been by myself for over three years now, and I feel so much better about myself. My life is so peaceful and I have found happiness just with my little family. After, we broke up my son came around more and now I have a grandson.

Use everything you have learned in Alanon, and lean on your HP. It will be alright, you will see. One day at a time!

__________________

Sharon 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13099
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((((Aerin)))) you are into self focus time and territory and self love time I pray you make the most of it.  I don't believe that we were or are created to direct others to love us and make us feel worthy.  I had to learn it was okay to do that for and to myself and to express empathy for those who could not.  That is a strong decision you made for yourself.   Keep coming back now and learn what we have learned.   

One of the major miracles I received in Al-Anon was learning how to say to my alcoholic/addict wife..."I love you and I like having you here and....I don't need you".  What a major positive understanding which I still practice today.  Please keep coming back and letting us know how it is working for you.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Member

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Posts: 9
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I'll be thinking about you. What I learned after getting away from my abuser was I really do deserve love and people want to be my friend, because I am kind and listen, and I'm actually delightful to be around. I was a teen when I cut him out of my life but I am still recovering from all the lies I believed about myself. Though for years I tried to bottle everything up recently I benefitted from mental health counseling and Al Anon f2f meetings. In the last year I have improved immensely. I hope you find the healing process that benefits you

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Senior Member

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Posts: 176
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((((Aerin))),

You have stood up for yourself in the strongest way! You are correct... a person who doesn't really know the real you, or your likes and dislikes isn't a person who can offer much in a relationship. Remember and take to heart when those who are knowledgeable say that the Alcoholic stops growing as a person when they begin the addiction process... so the fact that he is doing better in AA but is still a selfish person says a ton about his basic personality. Obviously, you don't want that anymore. You are ready for something new... something good... something healthy. Keep utilizing Al-Anon... it will carry you through the toughest of times. And don't worry, as you get healthier, you will naturally attract friends to you!

Sending you peace and light!



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Music makes my soul soar!
Bo


Senior Member

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Posts: 317
Date:

Aerin wrote:

Just left today. :( Even though abf is still in AA and doing well, he is still very selfish in real life and the things that have been mentally and physically done to me over the past 5 years have never really left me. He seems to forget the hitting me and breaking my ribs. Obviously I am super co-dependant and never left until now. He never tells me anything he loves about me. Just that I am pretty. I have no clue what he really likes about me as a person. That cannot be normal. at this moment I am mad, but I know the sadness and pain is coming.. i dread it and I hate myself for being so afraid to be alone. My teen daughter doesnt really need me and I dont have friends (his friends were my friends!) I stayed because I felt sorry for him. Now I hear relapses are common. And I dont wanna live in anxiety anymore.


I understand that you are sad, and this was hard for you...but I must also point out...good for you! Great for you. You took a step, a very big step, for YOU. You seem to have awareness around the situation, and more important, you know how you want and don't want to live your life. That's critical. You realize you are (super) co-dependent. You are not afraid to be alone! Don't hate yourself! Admire and respect yourself! I do! You are not afraid to be alone -- because you made the decision to end the relationship. You did it! So, you are not afraid. I am proud of you, and I respect you and admire you.

So, now, focus on YOU. Go to face to face meetings, start at the beginning, step one, and start doing the work. This is not about him, whether he is sober, a relapse, drinking, etc. -- no -- this is about YOU. 



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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((Aerin)) positive thoughts and prayers on the way.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 471
Date:

(((Aerin)))

What a powerful change you have made! I can only echo what so many others have said already. Good for you. You are taking care of yourself, your are deciding to be happy. You are deciding to have friends and a healthy, happy life. Any change is hard, and you have the support of your program to help you see this one through. You are courageous and strong.

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 317
Date:

Aerin wrote:

Just left today. :( Even though abf is still in AA and doing well, he is still very selfish in real life and the things that have been mentally and physically done to me over the past 5 years have never really left me. He seems to forget the hitting me and breaking my ribs. Obviously I am super co-dependant and never left until now. He never tells me anything he loves about me. Just that I am pretty. I have no clue what he really likes about me as a person. That cannot be normal. at this moment I am mad, but I know the sadness and pain is coming.. i dread it and I hate myself for being so afraid to be alone. My teen daughter doesnt really need me and I dont have friends (his friends were my friends!) I stayed because I felt sorry for him. Now I hear relapses are common. And I dont wanna live in anxiety anymore.


Also, be strong. Focus on YOU. Not on the things you don't have, but what you are going to do, just for today, to be strong, and live your life in a healthy way. Do that, and you will be happy.

Spike up your face to face meetings. Get a sponsor if you don't have one. You can and will make friends in the rooms -- look for them. Strong bonding and camaraderie is very common. Do what you have to do for YOU. Don't focus, concern yourself, get involved with, etc., him, his friends, etc. Don't analyze all of this. Just focus on you and the very next thing in front of you. I admire and respect you, tremendously.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2506
Date:

Hugs,

If it is possible see if you can qualify for some counseling with the domestic violence program. It is important that you work through this .. I did not pick my XAH's either of them by accident .. it was very subconscious and I had to learn to break the pattern still working on it.

It is the isolation that is the worst and it is what keeps people in those situations, the lack of confidence, self esteem and so on .. you are worth it .. you will have a lot of work to do and now is the time to put work into you!

Hugs keep coming back .. S :)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

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Aerin - I'm sending you (((hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts too. I love that your post starts with an action for you and ends with just for today. This first line to me is exactly what recovery looks like.

Be gentle with yourself and maybe just for a bit, breathe - breathe - breathe. We seem to be a society that is hell bent on immediate gratification, quick fixes and instant happiness. I've learned through life experiences this is not a lasting peace or joy.

Know that we're here for you however we can be and know that it's OK to grieve....

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 445
Date:

be good to yourself, allow yourself time to heal and to experience the mourning of the relationship. ive been through similar. listen carefully to your heart. one of the first things i was grateful for was my safety,then my awareness of my 'self' returning. got joy just eatting what i liked and doing what i really liked etc
keep Alanon lit close by. it helped me when i was troubled

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ALYCE R KINIKIN


Senior Member

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Posts: 115
Date:

Hi (((Aerin)))
I'm sorry for your pain. I've not experienced violence of the type you describe but I do relate to not doing the right thing for myself because of fear of being alone. I would suggest that your teen daughter actually does need you. Maybe she's pulled away for now but this may change over time. Taking care of yourself might make it easier for her to engage with you.

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Senior Member

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((Arein)) know you're journey is inspiring to others, it helps me because the day may come that I will make the choice to leave also. What helps me when I'm angry is physical activity, fast walking, running, jumping jacks, it gets me out of my head. There's a chapter in Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie on the process of grieving (I know, I know, not Al-Anon approved) and it really helped me to understand the process and the feelings involved, anger, sadness etc... and how to reach acceptance, I recommend it. You're in my prayers and I'm sending loving energy your way.

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- Carrie

Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle



Senior Member

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Posts: 356
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Good on you. I have been in a similar situation and I was quite fixated on trying to get him to acknowledge the past violence and be sorry for it (I think I thought that would make it less likely to happen again?). What you're doing is hard but the freedom on the other side is priceless...I have found although I still struggle to let go of him and we still see each other I am completely unable to tolerate BS of any kind from him now after living away from it and enjoying peace and safety for so long.
Being extra kind to yourself and focusing on your assets will help you through this more than focusing on any negatives imo. Hugs to you and I hope you're doing OK

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Senior Member

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Date:

Thanks everyone.I followed all the Al Anon steps for over a year. I was amazed when I had boundaries and stopped arguing over his drinking. I am still proud of myself for that! Wasn't sure I could! But I did. He himself finally went to AA which is of course great. But I just really realized that things that happen over the last 5yrs I can't just pretend they didn't happen. I do not trust him anymore. He has said I need to let that go and move forward. Which is true in ways.. but not sure it applies to me being hurt so many times with alcoholic lies and yes abuse more than once. So embarrasing that I didn't think thats a good reason to leave. I wonder why? I do feel in ways that I left a person who is trying to change. that is my co-dependancy talking for sure! One day I will see clearer. It is time to face my fears!

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Aerin xoxo



Senior Member

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Aerin,
It takes time to recover from a bad relationship. It changed me and I don't think I will ever be like the person I was before the relationship. I had a hard time grieving for myself. It is a process but it is so worth it.

__________________

Sharon 

Bo


Senior Member

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Posts: 317
Date:

Aerin wrote:

Thanks everyone.I followed all the Al Anon steps for over a year. I was amazed when I had boundaries and stopped arguing over his drinking. I am still proud of myself for that! Wasn't sure I could! But I did. He himself finally went to AA which is of course great. But I just really realized that things that happen over the last 5yrs I can't just pretend they didn't happen. I do not trust him anymore. He has said I need to let that go and move forward. Which is true in ways.. but not sure it applies to me being hurt so many times with alcoholic lies and yes abuse more than once. So embarrasing that I didn't think thats a good reason to leave. I wonder why? I do feel in ways that I left a person who is trying to change. that is my co-dependancy talking for sure! One day I will see clearer. It is time to face my fears!


 

And you should be proud of yourself for that!!! You did it!!! Yes, you need to let go -- of the anger and resentment, and that will be healthy for you. But it doesn't mean that you let go, pretend it didn't happen, and just get back together with him again, and pick up where you left off. It doesn't apply like you said. Good for you! 

Don't analyze...don't try to find the answer why you did or didn't, or what and why he's doing this or that. You will drive yourself crazy. Just slow down, relax, and focus on YOU. YOU are doing a great job!!! Keep it up.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Aerin

I left too and he got recovery and I never went back and hes been sober in AA for 4 years. Its a trust thing with me too. We both suffer from the disease of alcoholism and we both have symptoms that trigger and fit together really well and I will be honest that scares me. I get the feeling it wouldnt be too long if we got back together before we begin playing out our old roles together on some level. Its not him I dont trust, its us as a couple. It didnt work, I can accept that and now we are both free and its got to the point now where I actually want the best for him, I want him to get out of life all the good things.
I think you made a brave decision, it takes courage to change the things we can and I think when violence becomes part of a relationship then its time to get the hell out!!! Keep up with alanon, the effects are life long and so in order to not find ourselves in the same situation over and over again then we need to change our thought processes and practice new behaviours.

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Bo


Senior Member

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For me, I didn't view it as -- I left when she was drinking, right when she started to get sober, when she was sober, in recovery, and so on. Sure, I completely understand the human mind and thought process -- what if, I left when, too early, too late, but, however, and so on.

I looked at everything. Like others mentioned, trust. That is important. Not only trusting her, but trusting myself. Forgiveness -- yes, of her and of me. I had to forgive myself. I did get past the anger and resentment, but that doesn't mean I didn't learn, grow as a person, forget, etc. The biggest thing with couples getting back together, trying again, etc. -- is, a) not picking up where you (the couple) left off, b) not falling or reverting back into the same ol' same ol', meaning the same roles, being, etc., or c) not truly having the right and healthy reasons with both people being healthy, happy, etc. That last one is not easy, LOL. In our context, both people, in my opinion, have to be "in recovery" -- and wanting to get better, get healthy.

You see, for me, perhaps I am being naive, but I always took for granted that the other person, the alcoholic, addict...they weren't a "bad person trying to be good"...but, far more importantly, what they were was a sick person, an unhealthy person...and the question is...are they wanting and trying to get better and get healthy. That's the simple -- simple to answer -- question.

For me, it just wasn't about whether she was drinking or not. It was also about the 'ism's, how she was living her life, what was important to her, what she wanted out of life, and so on. I once told my mother, it was about "who she was being" and "who she wanted to be" moving forward in life. It's hard to explain in a dead medium, but I am sure plenty of people here understand.

Thank you to everyone for the comments and insight.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

2HP


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Your photo of the lion is a perfect expression of one who realizes who they are (((big hugs)))

Tapping into a power GREATER than you... than your alcoholic, than alcoholism, and greater than all the abuse... that is what enables me to roar like a lion too....

...acting with COURAGE instead of fear and doubt about who we truly are. Knowing and remembering we are not a "less than" (nor greater than).... but an equal child of God who deserves only GOOD things. My alcoholic didn't need to realize that, I did.

He played his role perfectly to get me there. Our experience together allowed me to "come to believe" I am worthy of love and care, and to make the appropriate amends to ME.

So I celebrate you and your courage!!!  Your experience will indeed serve God by helping others... to not only leave an abusive relationship, but to thrive in peace and joy of Higher Power.

The steps will never stop showing you the way, so keep coming back. It gets better and better.



-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of June 2017 12:00:45 PM

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Senior Member

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congratulations on taking action for yourself. your safety is fundamental, and it sounds like you are prioritizing yourself in an essential and healthy way. though my situation wasn't violent, i feel that there are some actions that cannot be forgotten and cannot be healed in a relationship. without trust in a relationship, what do we have? and at the risk of being presumptuous... i want to suggest that i strongly suspect your teenage daughter does need you. she is not grown, and you are setting an example for her, and even if she is silent, she is watching and registering your every move, even if subconsciously. 

i recently left my relationship as well. i've been doing all kinds of work (counseling, meetings, etc., etc.) while my (ex)partner lied throughout everything and went through the motions. he drank and drugged on my dime. it is a really strange feeling now to be so deeply sad, alongside relief and absolute knowledge that i did the right and necessary thing. still, i'm feeling in shock at how suddenly my life has changed. i wish i could fast forward, but it's all a process, like it or not.

it has occurred to me that i was hoping for stability and security in a relationship with a person who is unstable and insecure. not the wisest move on my part.

all the best to you in this new chapter. i truly believe it's better to be alone than to be with someone who does not contribute positively to your life.

 



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Senior Member

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" it has occurred to me that i was hoping for stability and security in a relationship with a person who is unstable and insecure. not the wisest move on my part." Yes... this is definitely true and I need to remind myself of this as I face the facts. I anticipate him asking me back and promising things will change now that he is in AA (he has been in it for almost a year but has only strung about 30-40 days not drinking, even though he goes to meeting every day) One thing I just wanted to point out is I do not live with him and my daughter (who I have 50/50 with my ex-husband, rarely sees him) So I have my own place at least. You would think I would have left during the first set of lies 5yrs ago. Reading up on co-dependancy, stsying on this board and going to improve myself for once in my life!!!! Tired of being afraid to be alone. Gotta suck it up!

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Aerin xoxo



Senior Member

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Posts: 181
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((Aerin))  I hear you. I left 3 weeks ago and am still in some kind of shock. I gave a million chances and fought so hard for my relationship. I wish I could say he did the same because I know he loves me, but he doesn't love himself and hasn't done the internal work needed to be healthy. And despite all the lies and deception and all the wasted time, with me believing he was sober when he wasn't, I still love him along with being furious and horrified. To me, this is not about love... it's about showing up for your life. Plus love is what you do, not just what you say. I'm also reading lots of books inc. re codependency. Facing facts, indeed. Really not fun, and feeling a million feelings a day, but it's all necessary. Here's to OUR recovery.



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