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Post Info TOPIC: 4th step without a sponsor


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:
4th step without a sponsor


Hi! I would appreciate your thoughts on the topic of doing the 4th step without a sponsor. I approached a fellow Alanon woman to be my sponsor after the last meeting, but she can't take any more sponsees right now. I'm doing the steps on my own for now, with the help of the step work board here and some other resources and all was well, I'm already learning alot about myself. But now I'm at step 4. I started by identifying feelings from the past, thinking about some past situations and now understanding my responses, motives, etc, one or two each evening, and it was fine, though much of it not really pleasant, but I was fine. But yesterday I started with my fear list, and I wrote down 6, didn't even begin to analize anything, but I felt this doom and gloom, which is not something I really want to submit myself to before falling asleep, lol. So I wonder if there's some other step 4 activity I can take at the same time that would help me not to sink into a dark place, or maybe I should just get another person to sponsor me before I proceed. I'm already doing daily gratitude and asset lists. Or is this something I just have to get through? Has anyone else done step 4 (or all the steps) by themselves?

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 356
Date:

I did step 4 solo. There just wasn't anyone available to work with me and I didn't want to lose momentum- I knew I was ready. I used blueprint for progress to start with and Paths to recovery and worked through a page or so each day, and one thing that I found really helpful was examining each "defect" that I uncovered and asking myself- is there a positive aspect to this trait? Is it possible this is in fact an asset that I've been using wrong? Often the answer was yes (but not always, lol).
So, I'd say it's possible to do it effectively on your own but only you know if you feel ready. If it makes you feel very fearful or anxious then maybe you aren't done with the earlier steps yet and could revisit them and trust that if a sponsor is what you need, then they will arrive at the right time?


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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 397
Date:

I also did Step 4 using the Step Work board here. One thing I remembered, as I had learned from my in-person sponsor in the past, was to be gentle with myself. I kept in mind that a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself was not meant to be a punishment, but a road to freedom. I took the approach that I did not have to re-visit every single bad event from my past, because I could always come back and work this step again in the future, as many people do. I'd also had some therapy prior to this, which had helped me get past some old traumas.

When I wrote out my steps, I generally did not do it at home or at bedtime. For some reason, it was easier for me to do this at a coffee shop, or on my breaks at work ... somehow a neutral location made it easier for me to relax and be open.

Best wishes on your step work! I hope you reap the rewards of your hard work.

__________________
Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 317
Date:

Aline wrote:

Hi! I would appreciate your thoughts on the topic of doing the 4th step without a sponsor. I approached a fellow Alanon woman to be my sponsor after the last meeting, but she can't take any more sponsees right now. I'm doing the steps on my own for now, with the help of the step work board here and some other resources and all was well, I'm already learning alot about myself. But now I'm at step 4. I started by identifying feelings from the past, thinking about some past situations and now understanding my responses, motives, etc, one or two each evening, and it was fine, though much of it not really pleasant, but I was fine. But yesterday I started with my fear list, and I wrote down 6, didn't even begin to analize anything, but I felt this doom and gloom, which is not something I really want to submit myself to before falling asleep, lol. So I wonder if there's some other step 4 activity I can take at the same time that would help me not to sink into a dark place, or maybe I should just get another person to sponsor me before I proceed. I'm already doing daily gratitude and asset lists. Or is this something I just have to get through? Has anyone else done step 4 (or all the steps) by themselves?


 

I respectfully challenge that the 4th step, or Blueprint For Progress, ideally is something to do with a sponsor or someone else. Step 4 is the opportunity to take a very long, hard, truthful, open and honest look at yourself, but that does not have to mean by yourself. It is very hard to do that -- and do it properly, well, completely open and honest, truthful, without the help of someone else. How can one have objectivity about themselves? Sometimes there are blindspots. Sometimes there are things that we will never be able to see in oneself. Recovery, al-anon as a program, has as it's core, the camaraderie, the friendship, the common bonds -- all of the words in the steps -- us, we, our; something, someone other than ourselves, and more.

There will always be things, about us, etc. -- aside from objectivity -- that we cannot see, understand, perhaps relate to, etc. Having another perspective is part of doing the steps with someone else. Accountability can be part of it as well. And more. I think a lot more.



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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 118
Date:

Hi Aline, I did a 4th step on my own, for me this step was about bringing my fears into awareness and I too had feelings of doom and gloom, so I guess I wasn't being very fearless, sigh, lol. I do know I did the best I could. I discovered my shortcomings to be more like attributes that HP had gifted to me, I was using them for ego or my will and not HP's will, so with some action on my part and applying program principles I was able to balance them out from defects to assets. Just remember you're not doing it alone, a power greater than you has you wrapped in loving energy and is by your side always, so the activity I would suggest is definitely prayer and meditation

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- Carrie

Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 14945
Date:

Allne, I believe that going to more alanon face to face meeting and  sharing what you are uncovering in this step work will help tremendously.  Glad that you have embraced the Steps and  are willing to share your progress 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:

Thank you so much for your suggestions, I have gather a handful from you!!! You are wonderful! :)

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6985
Date:

Aline - I'm with Betty - keep going to meetings and keep asking questions....I have done the steps more than once, and it has been 'deeper' and more meaningful with a sponsor than alone. I don't think my intent was any different but she asked me questions that I had not considered. Also, Step 5 does suggest we share with another person so having someone from the start that you are comfortable with and is loving you and guiding you towards recovery is such a wonderful form of self-care - hard to describe in words.

None of the Steps have I, Me or Myself. It's We, Our, etc. Recovery is a personal journey that we share with others for mutual growth. (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:

Thank you for your post, IAH :)

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