The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as advised, I have been attending Alanon meetings and taking care of myself.
My ex is in her first year and half of recovery - she broke it off with me in a particularly brutal, unilateral way that took me completely by surprise. When people are in pain they cause pain. She simply has too much contempt for herself and feels too hurt by her actions (past and present) and is in despair, and found it impossible to work on our relationship as well as her sobriety. it's very common. We never played games with each other. Ever. But addiction and then sobriety plays havoc with brain chemistry and relationships. And i have to face the fact that I was in a relationship with an addictan extremely high functioning oneand I stayed because a) I love her and b) we had an uncommonly strong bond. We also made each other happy most of the time. But strip away her life-long coping mechanism (drink and ritalin-look up withdrawal systems after years of self-medicating with ritalin - blood-curdling) and all of her anxieties and problems are still there waiting to be dealt with.
The crap she spewed at me the night we broke up was unreal, dishonest and just plain off. The slightly sadistic way she's handled this is repugnant. I asked if there was anyone else because it all happened so abruptly, and she broke down and said i was the love of her life, she loves me, is still attracted to me. but she's adamant and hopeless about us.
But I know it's not about usor me. I believe she's under the influence of a pretty hard-line sponsor and in my naivité and blind faith in us refused to see the signs.
I also very clearly see where i compromised and stayed in our relationship despite her withholding and emotional problems. Withholding distorts reality. It makes the people who do the withholding ugly and small-hearted. It makes the people from whom things are withheld crazy and desperate and incapable of knowing what they actually feel.
So I am releasing myself from that. Dont be strategic or coy. Strategic and coy are for jackasses. Be brave. Be authentic. Practice saying the word love to the people you love so when it matters the most to say it, you will.
Right now, and this is only around 5 weeks out, while taking the break up very seriouslyI'm trying to heal and I have a very good support system and professional helpthe reality is that she left meso i have to be very clear with myself and not run after any false hope, because i innocently thought that we were for better or worse and we'd only run into a rough patch. It was a nuanced, complicated and beautiful relationship, there were problems like all relationships, and like all relationships, there were areas of miscommunication and friction.
I was blindsided, and am astonished at her actions; they were extreme. While telling me she loves me she is also saying i need to go in order for her to save her life. (that's entirely in keeping with recovery rhetoric and logic). i've read and heard that people in recovery go through personality changes/brain chemistry changes/lose all their moorings while building themselves back up and taking stock and making amends. it's actually very good not to be with her right now since i need to get real around my denial of her behavior in the last days we were together, and the way she conducted herself. i really hope she gets professional help as well as sticks with her sobriety, people who know her and us think this is either self-sabotage or a cry for help.
I want to understand. I also want to walk away from what wasnt working and stop dwelling on the past. Start to think about what I want to do differently, perhaps recommitting to a new kind of relationship with her, perhaps not. But most of all, I need to care for myself.
So no. No games. But perhaps a start to an even better, more conscious life with or without her. But I miss her and love her.
Yes. Go to alanon if you are in any way open to you having a part in all of it. I'm not talking about blame of either her or you but the disease of alcoholism rarely has only one person in its grip it's a family disease. If you can accept you are effected and the signs are distorted and disturbed thought processes along with negative go too behaviours or feelings such as resentments self pity martyrdom controlling etc then there is help for you in meetings the literature sponsor the steps. It's a spiritual program that gives us tools for anything life throws at us.
I've heard that sometimes we and the drinker often obsess and become addicted to other people places and things even if alcohol is no longer there. Her sponsor may have recognised that in her in relation to your relationship and if staying sober is a life or death situation then maybe it's really important she gets to know herself. Very difficult in any relationship especially one that the disease has impact3d on. So the best chance for you and her is if you catch up with her in terms of recovery.
i don't feel inclined at all to "catch up" with her in any sense. in fact, i'm very happy to say that i wasn't controlling in the slightest, there was no matyrdomin fact, i absolutely stayed in my business around her drinking. It was her decision, her problem eventuallythere's my business, her business and God's business and I never, once, took her to task for her habits.
If she believes her story so strongly now that it meant "I love you, you're the love of my life but i need to let you go in order to save myself" then it's all on herit's her narrative. how can al-anon help me with this?
Alanon provided me with the tools to be able to "accept life on lifes terms" - not mine. I found that "acceptance" was the key to all my issues. I needed to work the Steps, honestly look at my motives, actions and own my part in the relationship and each problem event and then slowly develop new tools to live by as I let go of old destructive attitudes and actions.
Keep coming back
Things take time, and life is full of situations that we can allow ourselves to grieve over. It is true that for people in addiction sobriety can mean changing people, places, and things. I do not think that AA encourages people to break up with their partners unless it jeopardizes their sobriety. It is extremely difficult to understand the mind of an alcoholic or addict unless you have a personal experiences with the disease yourself. Many people that have found themselves alone when their partner goes through rehabilitation have done nothing wrong. It is just an unfortunate consequence of loving an alcoholic. You are not alone, there are other people that have been in your shoes.
They do have open AA meetings that you can go and sit in on. In order to get the full benefit of the Alanon program people should work the 12 steps. You might not have things in common with everyone you meet at an Alanon meeting. However, you might hear someone else's personal experience and relate it to your own. It is also recommended to try different Alanon groups because they are not all the same.
((Bailey71)) no advice here, just want to say i SOOOO relate to your post. i'm sorry for your pain. i'm in a very similar place, and the way you describe your relationship reminds me of mine. my ex's substances of choice were the same as your ex's. he hid it all from me quite masterfully, most of the time.
i left him after a particularly brutal week of him unraveling and basically losing his mind. i had to make him leave though he had nowhere to go. and i still love him and miss him. i stayed through 3 attempts at detox/rehab, but for this 4th i had to step away.
but i'm looking at my own compromises, and the various red flags i saw and moved past despite seeing them all along - from the beginning, really. looking at my very fierce dedication to a relationship with someone who was going through the motions of recovery without taking the actual actions he needed to take. looking at my belief that i could have a secure relationship with someone fundamentally insecure.
all we can do is look at ourselves and work to change whatever we want. you sound like you're on the path. just saying you're not alone.
-- Edited by Junenine on Wednesday 21st of June 2017 12:51:04 PM
