The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses detaching with love. Many of us have interfered not only with a loved one's problems but also with their achievements. We may have the best of intentions, but when we take over other people's responsibilities, we rob them of the chance to accomplish something and feel good about what they've done. Our 'help' may be seen as a lack of respect, so detaching with love offers support by freeing those I care about to experience both satisfaction and disappointment.
Those of us who love alcoholics often have to learn to get out of the way of their bottom; we learn how to detach with love.
Today's reminder --- I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today I will examine the way I offer support.
Today's quote - from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism --- "Detachment did not mean disinterest....I consider detachment 'respect for another's personhood.'"
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When I arrived at Al-Anon, I was deep into everybody's 'business'. I felt responsible for the joy, sadness, actions and misdeeds of my AH and my 2 A Sons....I was insanely buried in their disease and it made me crazy.
When I first heard detachment, I confused it with disinterest/ignoring. I didn't think anyone could detach 'with love' as it was such a foreign concept to me. It was through the steps, the program and the suggestions from my sponsor and others that showed me that I could practice detachment and find success.
Today, my joy is my job. If others are in a sour mood, I have a choice to adopt that or go on with my day. I no longer allow the actions and attitudes of others to drive how I go about my program, my day or my life. When 'things' happen, I can offer loving words without owning any of their business. I still hurt when they hurt and I still am concerned about them, their disease and futures - yet I am reminded by the program that my journey is unique and different from their journey. I do not know what God has in store for me or them, so living in the present moment is my best plan of action, one day at a time.
Detaching is a show of respect and unconditional love. It is one of the best tools from Al-Anon for me, as I am faced with these disease daily.
Happy Friday to one and all - make it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great share IAH . I found that honestly working the Steps helped me to learn the difference between loving concern, helping and interference.
The Steps also helped me to not' beat myself up" for past actions because i came to accept that when i knew better I did better.
Hope you ar feeling better and I certainly appreciate your service.
Detachment was hard for me at first. I did not have a working example of what that was because growing up I had a disinterested parent and a controlling parent. I didn't know how to be caring but keep myself out of the way of my loved ones' choices and consequences. Today I'm grateful I found Al Anon and have made progress towards detaching with love and it has made my relationships so much better ð
Thank you Iamhere for your service, happy Friday to you! Before recovery I was controlling, I attempted to control my chaotic situation by treating my AH like a child which was disrespectful to him and causing me much resentment. At the start of my recovery detaching was a tricky concept for me to grasp, but I was more than willing to give it a try since what I was doing wasn't working for me. At first I detached by changing what I could, me, myself and I, so I practiced simply letting my AH be and leave the consequences of his actions for him to figure out, but I still felt hateful and not very loving. That's when a program friend suggested I try detaching with the opposite of hate which is the program principle of LOVE. With a lot of practice, practice, practice I learned to detach my mind and spirit by having empathy, compassion and trusting HP and in turn my ill feelings melted away.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Thank you IAH and those who shared their ESH before me. I still get stuck on detachment at times. My RAH can go from Happy mood to Miserable in a heartbeat. It doesn't happen very often but when it does no one around him is going to enjoy their day. I still find myself affected at times but since recovery I can get to this is hismood, not mine and go and find something to do or somewhere to be out from under his cloud. Can't say how many times pre Al-Anon that an event or special day was ruined because I not only joined in and shared the behavior. I also would add my opinion which only fueled the fire. Much better when I reach awareness that everyone is entitled to their feelings and some days I need some alone time and so do others.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Friday 16th of June 2017 10:18:47 PM
Awesome shares all - thank you for your ESH.....together we get better - I need each of these posts to ground me often!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is perfect, since I am working on detaching with LOVE. Detaching with anger and resentment was very easy... but not at all peaceful to my soul. I still felt sick inside. It wasn't until I made a conscience effort to detach with love that I began to feel peace inside. The odd thing is, the more I detach with love, the more my AH thinks that I am not being "supportive." So that has become the daily battle. So now I am trying to embrace QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally). It truly is a daily struggle.
However, the place where I think I have seen the most growth in ME is in the dealings with my teen-aged son. He is not a qualifier, but he is a teen. LOL! I am learning to detach from his decisions. That has been hard b/c he was a "gifted" child with some specific learning issues, so I felt I had to really manage his school life so that he could reach his potential. That seemed to work for a very long time, but as he got older (and I got wiser), I realized that I was creating a problem just by loving him and trying to micro-manage him. This was such an eye-opener for me! This A HA moment came the first time with Al-Anon. My son was 10. I found that as my husband's grasp on recovery waned and his addictive behaviors increased, so did my controlling nature of my son! I have since found out that there were two reasons for this: 1) I had a fear that he wouldn't "make- it" in this world and I didn't want him to have the life that I have, and 2) If I couldn't control my AH, at least I could control my son. This was all on a subconscience level!!!
Now that I know better, I am trying to do better! So I have chances to work the tools of Al-Anon every day - with both my AH and my son. In the case of my son, I think it is really making me a better person. I am still working on getting out of the way of my AH's bottom.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I'm a bit behind on the board, but thanks for your service IAH and all above for your ESH; such an important, powerful principle in the program.
Getting detachment "right" will be life long exercise for me, as is all of the program...and that's ok, because even 1% right is so much better than 100% of Paul. For me, that start was just shutting my mouth, and that was a monumental task! Sometimes I just had to leave the room. Sometimes I still have to, and less often today, I don't quite make it out of the room before inserting myself where I shouldn't...but I'm getting better!
I am so grateful for the program guidance that helped me see the need to shut up and get out of the way. This helps me immensely on my journey of recovery, and allows my qualifier the much needed respect and space to learn and grow, less hindered by my misguided efforts to "help" or unloving, uninvited commentary based on my own fears and character defects.
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good to see you Paul - we are having much better weather today - so grateful for the reprieve from that awful humid heat!! 2 games down and 2 games to go!!!
I so agree that just keeping my lips closed really helped in the beginning and is still always a good option. I also agree that 1% is way better than 100% me.....I had 'me' in a pickle before recovery!
PnP - you're doing great - remember it's about practice, practice, practice and always progress vs. perfection.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
