LINKS

Al-Anon Group Home Page
Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room
Site Technical Problems or Questions?
Step Work Board - A Step each week!
Online Meeting Schedules


Al-Anon Family Group
Message Board

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"Real" Al-Anon Meeting Directory


A new step every two weeks in the order they were written!


Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Consistently messing up...


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:
Consistently messing up...


I detached from my ex just merely a couple days ago. To be honest, it hasn't been amazing the last few weeks, and it was only good a couple weeks til he relapsed, and we had been broken up 3 years. Today he contacted me regarding a coparenting issue. I accidentally said I was going on a date, yes, pure accident, not even thinking because we have been so far gone for a long time, even the 2 weeks of bliss don't really count. Regardless, he said I messed up and changed everything. I made a mistake, a human mistake. Why is what I said so awful that you have to go to those extremes? Does he think I'll never move on? I know hearing about it is never fun, but my goodness it was a mistake. I feel awful

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 179
Date:

You've been broken up for 3 years you have nothing to feel bad about. And it seems like you told him in the best way possible. Quick and to the point. If he has a problem it's his problem right? I hope you thoroughly enjoy your date. You deserve to be happy.

__________________
Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 393
Date:

JLD3 wrote:

I detached from my ex just merely a couple days ago. To be honest, it hasn't been amazing the last few weeks, and it was only good a couple weeks til he relapsed, and we had been broken up 3 years. Today he contacted me regarding a coparenting issue. I accidentally said I was going on a date, yes, pure accident, not even thinking because we have been so far gone for a long time, even the 2 weeks of bliss don't really count. Regardless, he said I messed up and changed everything. I made a mistake, a human mistake. Why is what I said so awful that you have to go to those extremes? Does he think I'll never move on? I know hearing about it is never fun, but my goodness it was a mistake. I feel awful


Why do you feel awful? Because he said you messed up and changed everything? Or because you are angry, disappointed, etc., in yourself? Don't let his words dictate how you feel about you. Go easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Accident, mistake, doesn't matter. Don't let it consume you. Let it go. Co-parenting is not easy. It takes work to do it, and be healthy. I've done it for many years. I never let her "relapse" become my relapse. She relapsed, I had boundaries, I co-parented, limited the discussion to co-parenting, and that was it. I detached, and kep the discussions at a safe and healthy distance -- safe and healthy for me. How you live your life, now, is none of his business. Don't let him infiltrate your life and your being happy and healthy. Co-parenting is just that -- co-parenting. Being a parent, along with the other parent, dealing with the child, well-being, health, education, maintenance, and so on. It doesn't have to do with him and his life, and you and your life.

You are doing fine...so keep doing it. Focus on you!



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Thank you. We broke up in 2014. In Jan., he called me after putting my life through hell in court to sabotage me. It was nothing to do with our child, but every attempt to ruin my life. I am now $60k in debt and he has no fees since his uncle was his attorney. Fast forward to Jan., and after all of that when he hit rock bottom, I was there for him and our son while he went to rehab. He came home a wonderful man, but I should have known after 45 days he wouldn't redo 41 years. He was amazing, we were amazing and decided to give it another try, then he relapsed. He relapsed a couple weeks, we fell apart, however I was understanding and supportive, yet he pushed and pushed. Now he's sober again, but he isn't in a place to even give me 1%, so I detached in a loving way to remain peacefulness for our son. I even wrote him a letter last night because he will manipulate me and make it "not over." Even with Al Anon I make mistakes. This is tough, but it is for the best because I do deserve to date, to be healthy and happy. He really needs to continue on track and he isn't in a place to be humble right now. He couldn't give me anything, and he said he could at first, but he's always going to be wishy washy. I just detached and we talked about it earlier in the week, so when I mentioned the date by accident, as it just came out because we have been so far gone, he assumed I had moved on so quickly and was heartless. Technically I have never moved on, and I realized he didn't care I had a date, but his problem is he doesn't want me with anyone else. I don't think he even wants me, and that's okay, because I don't want him anymore either. I had to do a letter. I kept it with how I feel, and I had to explain it's done.

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2584
Date:

I'm completely confused .. you have a right to your own life .. I guess the life lesson could be .. it is your life and really none of his business.

You didn't do anything "wrong", it wasn't intended as hurtful, it wasn't intended as hateful .. those are the actions I have to watch .. what are my motives .. you over shared .. I don't view that as a mistake .. I view it as a misstep and now you can move forward with a little two step and know not to disclose that information. Unless you threw it out there to be hateful and I do know people who do that .. it just is what it is .. you are right .. you have a right to move on.

My X's over dramatics was always about the issue of control .. controlling me and I allowed it for a long time .. now .. ehe not so much .. LOL.

It really seems to me that some good solid step work with a sponsor would help a great deal .. I hope you have a sponsor and are attending meetings .. it will help YOU move on without the unnecessary guilt. It's really not fair to even date if you are not clear on what it is that you want.

Keep coming back .. hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Thank you. I listened to The Recovery podcast that I recently discovered and realized we obsess over things, and I obsess over everything I do wrong in his eyes. It's not the way I want to live, so I have to hold these boundaries, and not allow him to control me. I'm not perfect, but I do know that all I can control is myself and my reactions. He didn't allow slip up's on my part. I wasn't allowed, which only allowed him to continue controlling me. I honestly don't know if he will ever have a healthy relationship unless he pumps on the breaks and really does work on him for a year, maybe even 2. I want the very best for him. I can now love and support him from a distance, and I won't have to write about him anymore, but now I can write about my journey.

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 912
Date:

Hello JLD3
Consistently messing up? It hurt my heart to see this, because it sounds like what I used to feel about myself.
If I heard someone tell someone else about that, I would know right away the speaker was unfairly taking an episode from the past and sticking it in the listener's brain. Not fair.
I hope you will find this a safe place to come and process what's going on with you. I have.
Keep coming back.

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Jill - thank you. I spoke with my sponsor last night and she reminds me I'm never a failure. Talking face to face with my A was never beneficial, so I wrote him a letter last night, and now boundaries are set. It's up to me to stick to them. I said all I wanted to, I need not respond to his message, but keep strong and focus on me. I sound selfish, but it's not about him, it's about me, and being a healthy version of myself for my kids. He really had an impact on my life.

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2584
Date:

If you are listening to the Recovery Podcast OMGOSH .. I just had the best laugh and a small cry listening to Mary Pearl .. my Lord can I relate to that woman.

She talks about growing up in a family where her mom did not drink however her mom was def a product of alcoholic parents and it was a horrific upbringing. I just think it's important to look at where did I buy into the belief I wasn't good enough .. I know my journey did not start with the qualifier (most recent with my X) .. it wasn't him .. it was me .. when did I buy into the belief I wasn't enough .. it's not about pointing fingers it's about finding the origin so I can then heal from it.

Keep doing what you are doing .. we are told to have so much compassion for the A .. sometimes I think that there needs to be a shift in having compassion for self first and THEN allowing that to overflow the direction of others .. without filling my own cup first I can't begin to be the woman I can be so I can then give to others.

There is a difference between being selfish and self centered and putting self first and taking care of self so there is more to give. Alcoholism/addiction is incredibly selfish and self centered .. recovery is about self first and self care. At least that's just my experience. By all means put yourself first because no one else is going to voluntarily do that for you. I coming from the mothering aspect of .. I can't function if all I do is give .. I am worn out and exhausted ALL of the time. Happy healthy mom means I am more engaged with my kids. That's a win for everyone.

Hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us