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Post Info TOPIC: A Success Perhaps?


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 115
Date:
A Success Perhaps?


I brought up something with my AW when I got home today. Something that I was pretty sure she wouldn't want to hear. But, I tried to do it the Al Anon way and not project or expect or hold resentment before the conversation even started. I said what I meant and tried not to say it mean. It was something that in the past I would have thought myself to death over it before finally bringing it up. Then would have been a nervous wreck which makes my AW paranoid because I start acting nuts. 

So the conversation was had and she was mad. I was second guessing myself afterwards so called one of my people and ran the scenario by him. It doesn't seem that I messed up. I wasn't perfect. Progress I guess. 



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Senior Member

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Posts: 471
Date:

Great job, WestMan, bringing up a topic in the Alanon way and being intentional about not obsessing before and saying what you meant without saying it mean.

It sounds like great progress to me!

One thing I noticed when I started using the Alanon tools with my AW is that she hated it. I was changing how I acted and spoke, and she didn't know what to expect or how to control and manipulate when I used the tools. I wonder at times if she was angrier about the topic of conversation or about my deviation from our normal unfunctional mode of communication. I did get better with practice, and she got used to me using the Alanon tools. One thing that helped me to deal with her anger was remembering that at some point, I stop and she begins. She can be mad or upset or whatever, and that does not mean that I can or should do anything about it, especially if I said what I meant and didn't say it mean.

You are doing great!

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6985
Date:

Way to go westman!!! Like Skorpi, as I began using the program tools, my folks around here did not like it much at all!!! They were used to a crazy woman with logical thoughts who stormed in like a downpour! They did not know how to react or respond to a calm woman who was trying to speak her truth....

For me, the less I said, the better it was. You are doing fantastic - keep working it - ODAT!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4775
Date:

Huge success. I remember when my faulty belief system meant I thought I had power over everything including peoples reactions, so this led me to people please believing another persons unhappiness or anger or whatever was due to me. When I think about it, its a pretty arrogant way to think that I have so much power over others. Now I can speak my truth, I am careful not to be mean or hurtful but the facts or the truth is just that and any emotions brought in are the choice of the other person and I definately and gratefully cant control that.



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 115
Date:

Dealing with some of the fallout today. Didn't sleep well although that's not entirely because of this situation. Got a bit of a cold lately. But she didn't get home until sometime after 2AM. I try to let it go so my mind will settle but it worries me of course. Now today I'm fatigued and trying not to get over anxious. Also trying to not dwell on the text storm that may ensue. I guess this is where one minute/hour at a time can be helpful?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13099
Date:

 

 

One step/day at a time works for me real good...try that one and keep progressing.  (((hugs))) wink



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 194
Date:

Hope you can get a good nights sleep today, I know I'm much less able to do things the Alanon way when I'm sleep deprived. My abf was also almost constantly mad at me after I began recovering, not that all was well before that, but I guess I just kept cutting off opportunities for his justifications when I began to be less insane, leaving him facing his own insanity instead of focusing on mine... Keep coming back :)

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Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 317
Date:

WestMan wrote:

I brought up something with my AW when I got home today. Something that I was pretty sure she wouldn't want to hear. But, I tried to do it the Al Anon way and not project or expect or hold resentment before the conversation even started. I said what I meant and tried not to say it mean. It was something that in the past I would have thought myself to death over it before finally bringing it up. Then would have been a nervous wreck which makes my AW paranoid because I start acting nuts. 

So the conversation was had and she was mad. I was second guessing myself afterwards so called one of my people and ran the scenario by him. It doesn't seem that I messed up. I wasn't perfect. Progress I guess. 


 

If your qualifier is mad at you...then...you are probably doing something right. 



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 424
Date:

Hey Westman,
I'm so glad to hear you addressed something even though you were nervous. Hang in there and take care of you. One of the things I learned that my AH being mad at me wasn't the end of the world and in fact a lot of growth can happen when I say something. I hope you got some rest tonight.


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