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Post Info TOPIC: Feeling Stuck...


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:
Feeling Stuck...


I don't know what is wrong with me. At times I feel strong, and I've got this problem under control, and other times I feel incredibly codependent when I think I'm the most independent woman on earth. My ex and I were giving it another shot, he was this new man out of rehab, and then he relapsed. Now, it's back to the erratic behavior, the ups and downs, zero communication, ghosting me, and when we do talk it's all about him. How do you know when enough is enough, or do we hang on? He's now on a medication to stop, so he hasn't drank in a week, but he's in the middle of jobs, and it's just always something. Why am I so down about this and wanting him when I know he's toxic? Maybe he isn't. I attend meetings when I can, I'm working steps, all of that, but I can't help from feeling this way.

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Jodi DeConcini


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 487
Date:

JLD,
You are the only one that can decide what is or is not causing insanity in your life. Some people can cope with the ups and downs and go about their lives. Otherwise, I think you just know when you want out. There isn't a timeline, everyone is different. I hope things get better for you.

__________________

Sharon 

Kmt


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

Hi JDL. You are definitely not alone. That is my life everyday. I have to keep reminding myself I am POWERLESS over his situation. I have to stop owning his sickness and work on me. My AH is not willing or capable right now to help me with anything. I still love him, but I am learning to let go and let GOD my higher power take care of him. If I don't start taking care of me I will be lost. I remind myself everyday of my blessings and what I am greatful for. I try to keep a positive attitude, but have to stop allowing his choices steal my JOY. I am looking for a meeting to join. Just move to a very small town so I really appreciate this forum. Keep coming back. Know you are not alone.

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Kathleen Taylor


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13361
Date:

 

 

JLD only one of the things I had to learn about the alcoholic/addict marriage I was in was that I was as addicted to her as she was to her drinking and drugging...just as addicted.  I came around to understand that and reapplied the steps to my recovery.  The first 3 steps were worked constantly and with commitment to the recovery I was needing.  I learned the definition of sanity which we spoke of in our meetings; "The continuous and orderly process of thought" and when that started to come about I knew it was starting to work as I worked it.  Stay with your commitment, the program, your sponsor and your Higher Power and watch what happens.   Keep coming back. (((hugs))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 663
Date:

I second Jerry's response about being addicted to them .. yep same for me .. he chased the drug of choice I chased him .. I relate fully to what you are sharing up there .. we have a saying in alanon we become 'even sicker than' the alcoholic .. we become angrier more fearful worried  confused etc ..  I remember coming into alanon and finding a sponsor and telling her the same .. things are toxic and yet ? I cannot .. walk away .. (even just emotionally or mentally etc .. ) I am so comfortable with this person I feel like I have known him my 'entire life .. I remember her saying you have me .. you've known the behaviors .. I also remember just standing there looking at her as I had just been hit with a huge dose of spiritual insight and truth  .. when I stepped back and set the bottle aside and looked at behaviors only yep .. I knew I had known these behaviors forever .. (blame denial criticism targeting excusing justifying minimizing) .. they felt familiar (comfortable) and I unknowingly felt right at 'home even though real comfort is supposed to be a good thing .. good people at home but as they say .. this isn't about being weak or bad or even really good .. this is about a 'family disease .. Everyone becomes effected .. thinking disease, not just drinking disease ..  without the fellowship and folks in alanon to reason things through with I can become confused all over again in mock 10 ..  ..  .. will say one of the biggest things I have learned that becomes wrong with me ? we read it in every offline meeting here .. our thinking becomes 'distorted (by trying to force solutions) ..



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T84


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 6
Date:

Hi JLD

Wow, Jerrys post:  I am addicited to her as she is to her drinking!  That is an eye opener!  As I am slowly following the steps and looking at my life choices, this is it.  Why am I still in this relationship, Why have I not left her long ago?  

A new topic for me to bring up at my F2F meeting this week!

 

Love this website!



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Wow. I'm amazed at how helpful and caring all of you are. It's not advice I need, it just helps to hear certain things to make you feel not so alone, and that the work you're doing is all worth it to her to where some of you are now. Thank you.

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 211
Date:

Hi JLD3. You're obviously a loving caring person. I can relate to seeing a loved one get sober, change behavior and I start to feel hopeful. Then they slip and it seems like their progress was wiped out. Brings home the meaning of being on a roller coaster.

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Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 393
Date:

JLD3 wrote:

I don't know what is wrong with me. At times I feel strong, and I've got this problem under control, and other times I feel incredibly codependent when I think I'm the most independent woman on earth. My ex and I were giving it another shot, he was this new man out of rehab, and then he relapsed. Now, it's back to the erratic behavior, the ups and downs, zero communication, ghosting me, and when we do talk it's all about him. How do you know when enough is enough, or do we hang on? He's now on a medication to stop, so he hasn't drank in a week, but he's in the middle of jobs, and it's just always something. Why am I so down about this and wanting him when I know he's toxic? Maybe he isn't. I attend meetings when I can, I'm working steps, all of that, but I can't help from feeling this way.


 

I am going to take a different approach, and give you what might be a different perspective. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Don't just read the words, think about them, think about the meaning behind them. They can be the most powerful words with someone who is "giving it another shot" and then experiences the same ol' same ol', or the proverbial question of "how do you know when enough is enough." Well, that's where nothing changes if nothing changes can really be a lot more than words.

I would think there are many people -- myself included -- who felt they were giving a never ending supply of "one last chance" to their spouse. I know, because I did. The desire to hang on can come from many places. It doesn't matter where. Or why. If the person is toxic -- if it's unhealthy for you -- then two forces weigh and battle against each other.

When the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving...you will leave. When the pain in staying is greater than the pain in leaving, you will leave. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will leave. When you are so unhappy that the unhappiness of staying is greater than the unhappiness of leaving, you will leave. When all of this takes over and starts trickling into other areas of your life, and you start taking it out on other people, lashing out, getting depressed, feeling alone, ready to stop the denial, then you will leave.

You will know. It might be later than sooner, or later than you wanted, but that's denial, rationalization, vacillation, justification, etc. So, you will know. You can only hope you will know...and you will, if you focus on you and do the work with a sponsor or someone else. Keep coming back.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

I have taken pieces from each one of your comments and applied them, and took it upon myself today to tell him I'm moving on. I want to co parent our son and have a peaceful relationship for him, but when I told him today I just didn't feel respected, he told me how incredibly selfish I was, and I just thought enough. To ask for respect and a little love is not selfish of me. Yes, he is going thru a difficult time, but there are people married going thru this, and if he really loved me, showing a little love to someone else wouldn't be such a daunting task. He dissected everything I said, and I just can't do it anymore. Nothing was changing. It did temporarily, but went right back to the way it was, but worse, because I felt like he didn't have to try and I had to put all my focus on him. Co parenting is all I want, and all he deserves right now. He needs to focus on him, and me on myself. It's tough, but I did what's best for me, and I know everyday I will see this as easier and for all the right reasons.

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Jodi DeConcini


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4871
Date:

I think your asking the key questions, like why do we just keep going round and round on the merrygoround? when is enough and where do you go from there? I learned that we become as sick as the drinker, with similar symptoms and we can be addicted to them, the whole drama, will he wont he? whats going to happen next? when is the next crisis? its all very dramatic and exciting and the chemicals in our bodies during this heightened state are addictive, so on one level we are comfortable with this 'excited misery.' So any change for us comes in accepting this and getting recovery for us. Alanon meetings, the literature, sponsor, steps have all got me free and relatively quickly when I think of the long years I spent living this way.



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Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 393
Date:

JLD3 wrote:

I have taken pieces from each one of your comments and applied them, and took it upon myself today to tell him I'm moving on. I want to co parent our son and have a peaceful relationship for him, but when I told him today I just didn't feel respected, he told me how incredibly selfish I was, and I just thought enough. To ask for respect and a little love is not selfish of me. Yes, he is going thru a difficult time, but there are people married going thru this, and if he really loved me, showing a little love to someone else wouldn't be such a daunting task. He dissected everything I said, and I just can't do it anymore. Nothing was changing. It did temporarily, but went right back to the way it was, but worse, because I felt like he didn't have to try and I had to put all my focus on him. Co parenting is all I want, and all he deserves right now. He needs to focus on him, and me on myself. It's tough, but I did what's best for me, and I know everyday I will see this as easier and for all the right reasons.


Bring the focus back on YOU. It is easy to get into it with him, analyze the situation and conversation, say if he really loved me he would ___________ (fill in the blank). Don't try and apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation. It won't work and you will drive yourself crazy! Focus on you. Don't get into the back and forth with him. Detach. Don't engage. 

This is about YOU. YOU should and can CHANGE. Keep coming back.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 487
Date:

JLD3,
I agree with a lot of things Bo has said. At this point it probably is a waste of time trying to get him to recognize your needs. Some people are so good at consuming more than they deserve. Sort of like a parasite, living off of someone else to the point of diminishing that persons reason for being alive. Not all alcoholics are like that, and some people are like without even drinking. My ex-A is like that, we can have a conversation and he seems to be the only one talking. Be strong, things get better with time.

__________________

Sharon 

Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 393
Date:

JLD3 wrote:

I don't know what is wrong with me. At times I feel strong, and I've got this problem under control, and other times I feel incredibly codependent when I think I'm the most independent woman on earth. My ex and I were giving it another shot, he was this new man out of rehab, and then he relapsed. Now, it's back to the erratic behavior, the ups and downs, zero communication, ghosting me, and when we do talk it's all about him. How do you know when enough is enough, or do we hang on? He's now on a medication to stop, so he hasn't drank in a week, but he's in the middle of jobs, and it's just always something. Why am I so down about this and wanting him when I know he's toxic? Maybe he isn't. I attend meetings when I can, I'm working steps, all of that, but I can't help from feeling this way.


 

You see, you are strong and you do have this situation under control...and then "it" happens. The trigger. It's our slip. It happens in the smallest measurement of time, and we don't see, know or feel it at that exact moment sometimes. Remember, this is about YOU. However, that doesn't give you a free pass to beat yourself up. Go gentle unto yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are human. You don't want him. You don't want what's going on. You want what doesn't exist. He -- when he's drinking, even sober, with all the 'ism's, the behavior, the chaos, turmoil, volatility, and more -- is toxic. 

This isn't about his drinking, or his being in the middle of jobs. It's not about him at all. It is about you. You want your life to be better...that is up to you. You are strong and you know what you need to do...focus on you, get better, and you will know what to do. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Don't keep shopping for bread in a hardware store.

Go to more meetings. Work with your sponsor. You will get better. I am proud of you and where you have gotten to...keep going. And, keep coming back.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 32
Date:

Thank you. It hasn't even been 12 hours since I completely detached, and I feel sick. It's like going through our breakup process all over again. I hope tomorrow is better because today is awful. Thank you for the reminder about myself. That's where my focus needs to be.

__________________
Jodi DeConcini


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 2677
Date:

I had to detox from my XAH .. I am actually grateful for the restraining order because of the fact it meant I could not contact my X and even better he legally could not contact me. I think we would have had months of more dysfunctional dancing between the two of us. It had been going on long enough and it had to give or one of us was going to become a dateline story.

I think Jerry F recently mentioned being addicted to the addict and that is a true true true statement for me .. I was addicted to the drama, chaos and looking back ridiculous and do I mean utterly situations that would come up because surprise .. the problem/s in the room were neither the elephant in the room that turned into the bookcase or the rhino who was the magical coffee table. They happened to be the adults in the room. Or lack of adults possibly is a better way to phrase that .. I had to detox from my XAH and once I did things got a whole lot clearer about what my part in the dysfunctional dance as I took the time to lead that dance was and then a big portion of healing could happen.

The one thing I noticed recently is .. sometimes people invite the drama because it is what they are accustomed to and getting used to average/healthy behavior is boring. There is nothing like the exciting misery of an A .. they bring something to the table that is far more enticing than just the average guy. After all if I only can love them the right way .. everything will be different.

Be easy on you today and just relax .. this too shall pass .. it's a feeling not a fact .. it doesn't define who you are .. it is the trappings of would have could have should have beens.

Hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay

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