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Hi, dear MIP friends :)
I had a situation this afternoon I'd like to share and ask your ESH about.
I'm currently living separately from my abf, and will continue to do so for 3 months. If after this time he isn't drinking, I'm moving back. (I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking to my boundary, and moving to a healthier road in my life!!! ) He is well aware of this.
So today he called in the morning and asked if I could come over after work and bring him some food, cuz he is feeling pretty weak and said he didn't think he could go to the store. He does have a health issue right now, so I thought I might as well help. Seemed like a normal enough thing to do, didn't seem like enabling - although he did sound still somewhat drunk in the morning... He got up early after only a few hours of sleep, he said. Well, I brought some burgers and fries, waking him up as he asked, so he could eat something. The encounter went ok for around 1 minute in total - after eating a couple of bites he "playingly" and lightly slapped me on the head, I said don't do that, then second time, after which I moved a meter away and continued to eat my fries. He then chucked one fry at me, playingly and lightly, then another. Then I got up and left the room, eating my food in peace in the kitchen. I then took a couple of important little things I had forgotten to bring with me before to my mum's flat, and also figured I'll take my bicycle. As I am spending the summer in another town, it will be nice to ride it on weekends. I told him I'm leaving soon, I had to get to the train in time, and he came to the corridor. He said something like "are you really leaving me alone now?" I said something like "I brought you food, like you asked. I've got to get to the train. But I could buy you some medicine, if you really need it". I didn't mention going to a doctor, I've suggested it twice already this day over the phone, which is one time too much anyway. He just glared, left the corridor, I heard him cry, and he kept silent so I said good bye and took off. A minute later he called, I had just gotten outside, and said he has never meant any harm, and the he loves me very much, and he wishes me a good life, and that he's gonna die today, he's feeling so bad. He hung up before I could say anything. I texted that I will bring any medicine tomorrow if he needs it, or other help, just to let me know. I think he was probably hungover plus sleep-deprived, which, I know from experience, makes hangover worse. Also he has an infection which he is treating with appropriate medicine + some 4 liters of beer daily, so it's no wonder he can't get better. I also think he was manipulating, trying to get me to stay. I did what I came to do, bring over some food, and offered constructive help. My staying there would not help him. There seemed to be no immediate danger to his health, so calling ambulance, for instance, is also ungrounded. But I'm still a bit worried he really is that ill and will die... Also, I'm doubting now the wisdom of my decision to come over at all - no doubt his drinking contributed to his feeling ill... In which case - was I enabling? I probably was... I'll appreciate any ESH... Thanks for reading...
I think I'm still confused by a couple of facts in terms of things that you have mentioned one is that he was throwing food at you? I don't consider that play .. I consider it RUDE as well as passive aggressive. That is anger in my mind.
If you are truly concerned about his health and well being calling for a well check by police is appropriate, it's not for me to say if he's being manipulative or not .. however .. ehe .. if it quacks like a duck .. looks like a duck .. it's probably a duck.
I'm curious as to why your boundary is he has to have 3 months sober for you to move back in and yet .. you are engaging him while he's been drinking or you suspect he's been drinking.
I found that for me when my 1X who was a drug addict would pull that kind of thing my statement was I'm sorry you don't feel well it sounds like you need to address whatever was going on .. (I have no idea why I had such great boundaries then and then they went to crap in a hand basket quickly). It was always about him .. his inconvenience and so on. I don't find it wise to be alone with someone who has that kind of anger issues going on .. again that's me .. my 2XAH got out of control one time and it was bye bye now he had to leave and he knew I was calling the cops.
You did some great boundary setting however .. I think I question what are you doing in terms of meetings and so on .. I think it was you who mentioned going to meetings however no sponsor yet .. which is fine .. I still encourage you to get a sponsor .. are there DV (Domestic Violence) offices available in your area because you should be able to get free individual counseling.
I'm really sorry that this sounds all advice like because that's not where I'm coming from .. however I'm always disturbed when people make a conscious or unconscious decision to put their physical safety at risk. I get that you love him .. however I really encourage you to love yourself first and let that overflow to others vs loving someone and not filling your own cup. That's my stuff right there .. I know what my response would be to either of my X's calling and pulling that crap .. 9.1.1. Don't call me and tell me you are going to die .. that's not ok.
Hugs S :)
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for your share, Serenity... About that "playfully and lightly" - I meant, he probably thought it was so. I didn't. I should've put the words in quotes or something :D About going to see him suspecting he's been drinking, you're right, of course, it makes no sense if I'm to be really true to my boundary... Honestly, I'm really afraid of calling the cops... Afraid that this action will really be the end of any hope for our relationship to exist ever again, cuz he will probably hate me for this... Sigh... I've admitted it. Doesn't make it untrue, though... I have a lot to work on, on ME... I am attending meetings regularly now, btw. I guess I will look into DV counselling... Going over "helping" like today clearly was not healthy. He didn' t even thank me for bringing the food over. I'm still a mess, clearly. Still, there's progress on the whole... Now that I've got a bit of recovery to look back at, I'm feeling more hopeful, because some foundation of positiveness is set, and now I feel I can build on it.
GFU .. that's what is important .. being able to see progress and go from there .. My feeling is this .. focus on taking care of you the rest will take care of itself.
Big Hugs .. sometimes this stuff is not easy.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
As far as what your boundaries are, that's up to you and how you work your program. I am sorry he's sick and weak.....that certainly makes it tough when you love one with this disease. As a reminder, boundaries are for self-preservation and self-protection (of all kinds). If a boundary punishes another, it might not be suitable - just how I was taught in recovery.
I will feed mine when they're active as I consider that service work. I will not endure staying as I just can't watch them self-destruct. I do not tolerate any disrespect (defined by me) and will go if it happens. I typically do not share a meal as I prefer 'better company' when I dine.
I do know that mine have discussed, threatened and suggested suicide at low points. I am not a mental health professional, and choose to not wonder if they are serious or not. Anybody that threatens suicide to me knows I will contact the authorities. I would not ever want another's desperate act of certainty to be on my conscious. Mine stopped threatening it around me - I hope they don't do it at all.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aline,
This sounds so familiar to me, I did not live with my A ex-bf after a couple of years. He would wake up after a night of being on his cell phone, and call me wanted something to eat. After awhile, I stopped doing it because I did not like seeing him hungover. Sometimes it was like he had never gone to sleep, and was still drunk from the night before. He would try to hug me and wanted affection but I was not really feeling it. It was not always like that, I use to go to his house and cook dinner or we would cook on the grill. I wish those times did not stop, and it is sad thinking about it. Unfortunately, being in love with an alcoholic can be very lonely. It is good that you have been trying to set boundaries. Just be careful putting exact time limits on things, so you are not overly disappointed if it does not work out.
My ex would threaten that I would not see him the next day too. I called the police and had them check on him. I would just get angry and turn my phone off after awhile.
I've never had pretend play with my ah....it was pretty blatant and I've seen him cry once in the years I've known him, but my ex before he, was a crier and pretend play fighter and I gotta agree with Serenity, its passive aggressive anger. Walking out was a great response; its not cool with you and you didn't stay. I'd be watching for any other signs of that particular boundary being tested.
Recently, I got the experience of being able to be the one who does the walking with the ah; for years between us if we fought he'd throw a drama queen exit and take off leaving me with the messy house, messy emotions and three young kids to look after. So, when I got to walk away recently after a disagreement, peacefully, it was a good feeling. I don't have to put up with this anymore if I don't want to. So I wonder, did you feel good once you put space between you two? I like good feelings. They encourage me to take small actions. It's the small things we do for ourselves that start changing the bigger picture I've found. One day at a time. You've made some good changes for you so far, do give yourself some moments to enjoy them.
Thank you for your responses, shrnp and a4l. Regarding 3 months and what if he doesn't stay sober, well, I'm actually pretty sure he won't manage to do that for so long, not yet, anyway. I won't be disappointed, because I really don't have any expectations about this. I do feel good after leaving to live on my own, it's a lot more peaceful. I especially appreciate that moment each evening when I get into bed when I want to and know I will get good-nights sleep and noone is going to ruin that for me. I felt especially good for the first few days after leaving - freedom! The initial high is gone, but I'm still very happy with my decision. I don't see that chaning :) I guess I've been keeping busy, visiting family, working of course, going to two meetings per week and working on myself. Thanks again for all your shares...
