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Post Info TOPIC: Infidelity


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
Infidelity


I really need some help today.  I'm having a difficult time dealing with my emotions.   About 3 months ago my AH told me he wanted a divorce, gave me no reasons other than he'd been thinking about it for a long time and wanted out.   I asked him why and he said it was 100% him but i continued to push.  He then proceeded to tell me I was too controlling, too intense, not compatible, that I was too good for him.  We have been married just shy of 10 years.    He moved out 1 month ago and started divorce proceedings.   I had asked for some tax documents to be sent and he told me to check on Drop box and what I found was even more devastating.  Poking around I found out he had been having an affair with his female business partner and I never knew.  She was someone I trusted and knew quite well.   Here is what I am dealing with....I am trying to work the steps, read the daily readings and forgive both to them.   I just want to know that I'm not the only one to have even gone thru this circumstance.  I honestly feel like my marriage was a big lie and a big sham.  the affair started 1 year after we were married, and I honestly don't know how long it went on or if it's still going on.    I know that the divorce is the best thing that could happen and it's truly a blessing in disguise, i know this but I'm still having such a hard time.   I feel like I never really knew my husband.  He lied when I asked him if he had ever had an affair but once I found the proof he told me he never wanted me to find out because he didn't want to hurt me.   I just can't believe anything he says.   I will tell you that this whole situation is what got me to AlAnon and without Al Anon, I would hate to think where I would be right now.    It truly is saving my life and giving me hope that I can become the person I want to be.   It's also extremely hard.  Just when I think I have a good handle on myself, some stinking thinking pops in my head and completely derails me.    I just need some support tonight.  Thanks!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:

Hugs mojo,

I'm glad you are here and so terribly sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

It hurts horribly to feel so betrayed.

For me it wasn't my XAH's drinking that was the last straw .. pardon the pun .. it was the affair/s. I don't know how many I am sure about one I have speculated there was more than one. I don't understand why people feel the need to hurt others in this way.

My situation was different as I was ready to let go of him and because of the affair I asked him to leave and he did, there was a lot of chaos after that and the divorce was awful. He's remarried to someone else at this point and not the woman I knew he was having an affair with.

For me I started to realize that I could be a victim, martyr, I could take the why me's and run forward with those (it's certainly not to say I did not in the beginning) .. or I could accept that my HP had a bigger plan for me and my XAH wasn't going to be a part of it. He couldn't be because of his active behavior. Our relationship was not healthy. It was a betrayal. It was not ok for him to behave the way he did. However it came down to what did I want .. and honestly .. when I look back I had a part in the demise of my relationship. Time and perspective will help with that my XMIL went through worse with my X's dad and she got stuck for a long time in victim mode which kept her from moving forward. She did not see her part .. and there is no rush in that. Sometimes there is no answer, or it's the answer I am not prepared for at the moment .. again time and perspective helps a great deal.

What you are feeling is perfectly ok. It's processing. I do encourage you to work with your sponsor if you have one .. if not do get one. Read your lit and focus on the things you can change .. which is you. This is what got me through the worst of times .. that and really great friends. I'm sure it's a great deal of shock to find out all of this new information and not know what to do with it. Support systems are HUGE.

Big hugs and I hope you will keep coming back .. S :)





__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Aloha Mojo and good to have you here.  I can hear courage and determination in your post which are strong tools which help us move on.  Affairs....hmmm....eventually I came to the question why do I keep marrying sick addicted women and then why don't I believe what I am shown rather than think "Nah she (they) will find out how valuable I am to them and a relationship.  When I finally was able to add in the addiction my vision cleared up.  Hell I was born and raised in alcoholism...what was I expecting to happen?  Infidelity was only one earth shaking problem I was happening.  I am soo glad I decided to stay with the program and give it the best try I had because I learned so much...like why did I keep choosing women who were alcoholic and had the "Tom, Dick and Harry (and Jerry) perspective on partnerships.  I came to understand that I was (early on) dumb as a stick and needed to sit down, listen, learn and then practice, practice, practice what I was learning.  

Infidelity is soul breaking because I placed so much attention and value on the ego aspects of the relationships...the wanting to have another tell me how good I was...bleah!! There was that stick again.  When I learned how to love myself as I wanted others to I got well and healed and it took tons of weight off of my present wife of 23 years for having to do it for me.  She was also born within the disease so guess how that would have worked out.   

Keep coming back this works when you work it and let us love you until you learn to love yourself.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 484
Date:

Mojo,

My A ex-bf cheated on me, it was very painful. I caught him at his house with a woman there. After, that I found out there were even more women he had been seeing. We did not live together. He really had a side to him I had not know about, and I had known him for over 12 years. I think of it as an illness just like the alcoholism. He will do that to the next person. It took me awhile to feel good about myself after that even though I had not done anything wrong. Alanon has been really helpful. Taking things one day at a time makes a big difference.



-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 23rd of May 2017 11:19:27 PM

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Sharon 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

I can understand your hurt and confusion and I think your right where you should be. Your acknowledging accepting your anger and hurt and your using the tools to help you. This pain will pass and boy oh boy the joy at the other end. Infidelity just fits really with the disease don't you think? The disease is a thinking disorder partly so women are often another distraction to get them out of their own heads. Sad really I imagine real genuine connections or love is virtually impossible. In fact these things were impossible for me too before alanon. Funny. Every statement I make about an alcoholic I end up seeing the exact same thing in me. I've got the disease of disturbed and distorted thinking too. They come and go for me too. Alanon is the medicine.x

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

I'm late to this thread, but did want to send you a welcome MoJo - keep coming back!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1008
Date:

Keep coming back ,it works when we work it,
So glad you found us,
Hugs to you,,,,lu

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Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 661
Date:

With courage and strength, you WILL get through this. I found out that my AH was communicating with another woman via texting and I was devastated! We had been married for 30 years and I had gone through hell with his drinking. This disease in cunning and beguiling. I put the focus on me and got better, while he got much worse and ended up dying from his alcoholism at age 52. Take care of YOU, you're worth it!

__________________
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1788
Date:

mojotwist wrote:

I really need some help today.  I'm having a difficult time dealing with my emotions.   About 3 months ago my AH told me he wanted a divorce, gave me no reasons other than he'd been thinking about it for a long time and wanted out.   I asked him why and he said it was 100% him but i continued to push.  He then proceeded to tell me I was too controlling, too intense, not compatible, that I was too good for him.  We have been married just shy of 10 years.    He moved out 1 month ago and started divorce proceedings.   I had asked for some tax documents to be sent and he told me to check on Drop box and what I found was even more devastating.  Poking around I found out he had been having an affair with his female business partner and I never knew.  She was someone I trusted and knew quite well.   Here is what I am dealing with....I am trying to work the steps, read the daily readings and forgive both to them.   I just want to know that I'm not the only one to have even gone thru this circumstance.  I honestly feel like my marriage was a big lie and a big sham.  the affair started 1 year after we were married, and I honestly don't know how long it went on or if it's still going on.    I know that the divorce is the best thing that could happen and it's truly a blessing in disguise, i know this but I'm still having such a hard time.   I feel like I never really knew my husband.  He lied when I asked him if he had ever had an affair but once I found the proof he told me he never wanted me to find out because he didn't want to hurt me.   I just can't believe anything he says.   I will tell you that this whole situation is what got me to AlAnon and without Al Anon, I would hate to think where I would be right now.    It truly is saving my life and giving me hope that I can become the person I want to be.   It's also extremely hard.  Just when I think I have a good handle on myself, some stinking thinking pops in my head and completely derails me.    I just need some support tonight.  Thanks!


 

What you are feeling is natural. Don't beat yourself up. Not for anything!!! Not for any reason!!! This entire situation is 100% about him -- not you. So, now you need to focus on you. And, you are doing that. You don't have to hope you will become the person you want to be...YOU ALREADY ARE THAT PERSON! You will just get even better!!!

Sure, stinking thinking pops into our heads all the time. We can't prevent it 100% of the time. It is what we do about it -- that's what dictates our well-being, getting better, being healthy, etc. Stinking thinking can be a trigger. It can result from a trigger. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Don't let it consume you. When it happens, don't fight it. Surrender to it. Have awareness that is happening...and to not have it consume you, here's a punch list of things to try:

1) Pick up the phone. Call your sponsor. Tell him/her exactly what you are feeling, thinking, that the stinking thinking popped into your head. Feel it and talk about it. You can't go around it, under it or over it...you have to go through it! That is recovery. Talk it through and do the work with your sponsor.

2) Pick up ODAT, Courage to Change (or HFT), and go to the back of the book, in the index and pick the topic, the feeling -- and go do a reading. Do two. Three. Focus on the reading, focus with intense, laser precision focus, do the reading two times, three times...and change your thinking. YOU control your thoughts...they don't control YOU.

3) Go to a meeting. When you have a bad day, go to a meeting. When you have a good day...go to two meetings! LOL. Share the stinking thinking. Talk to someone about it. Get reinforcement, hear the slogan, the catch phrase, get back on track.

4) Look at your "ME" folder -- I have a folder, with a few cards, thank you notes, letters, etc., from my daughter, a friend, a client -- that simply makes me feel good because they tell me how grateful they are for ME. My daughter gave me a card on my birthday when we were in NYC celebrating, and I read that card whenever I get any stinking thinking. That card tells me who I really am.

You are doing fine. Keep up the good work. Keep doing more. Keep getting better. You have a lot to be proud of and you are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:

Hi MoJo, I am so sorry for your pain. I certainly know how you feel. Infidelity is such a deep and painful betrayal. It changes how we view the world and how we feel about ourselves. Hopefully al anon can help with your focus.

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