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Post Info TOPIC: I need some perspective please!!!


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
I need some perspective please!!!


First off I want to say I've been an Alanon member for about 3 years. I'm staying at my single adult daughter's condo to take care of her pets because she has entered a 30 day rehab program for the 4th time. Since I live about 1500 miles away, i flew in here about 10 days ago. I helped her get into a treatment facility and helped her negotiate the leave with her employer so she didn't lose her job. I thought I would be able to stay the entire 30 days to help her and visit her in the treatment facility, but I now discover I need to return home for a few days for some important business.. I'm afraid if I tell here I'm leaving while she's still in rehab, she will say I don't need to come bacK. Coming back is probably more for me so I'm not sitting thousands of miles away from her worried to death. I want to be there for her when she's released. Like I said she's single and the thought if her coming home alone to an empty condo is really scary to me. She has only a handful of friends, who are supportive, but live over an hour away. Unfortunately she doesn't handle being alone well at all. She started drinking again after 2 and a half years of sobriety because of a bad breakup and being lonely. Since I can only see her on Wednesday and Sunday each week while she's in rehab, I'm contemplating not even telling her I'm leaving, and getting a pet sitter to watch her pets. I know honesty is the best policy, but I'm so torn about this. I've even enlisted a friend of hers to help me so she doesn't realize I'm gone. Also i've given so many stories and lies to my other daughter about where I am so she doesn't know her sister is in rehab again, that's it's not funny. The two girls don't even talk to each other anymore, and letting the cat out of the bag about another rehab just doesn't seem to be an option. I know this isn't an advice forum, but can anybody shed any light on this situation? I feel sick to my stomach and can't stop worrying. I know I need to work on myself and my own program, but I'm almost too far gone at this point to even do that. I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday here, and I felt even worse when I left. 



-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 11:05:09 AM



-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 12:18:57 PM



-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 22nd of May 2017 01:51:36 PM

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6617
Date:

(((Hugs))) - my best thoughts are do what you need to do for you. I would attend multiple meetings per day if you want to be of service to your daughter and her recovery. As a double winner, my mother (untreated) was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me when I came out of rehab many, many years ago. She meant well but her hovering and doing for me was more stressful than trying to work a recovery program.

If you daughter wants recovery, she will get it. If she wants to stay sober and be less lonely, she'll engage in fellowship. All communities have 4-5 times as many AA meetings as Al-Anon available, and most have social events every night/week-end. For an alcoholic, it's vital to be busy, stay busy and fellowship in/out of meetings is a huge element of success.

I can't speak to the non-disclosure - I know I grew up in a family where my mother desired to not disclose 'issues' and it made more stress than it should have often. I swore as a young child I would not live that way, so don't. This is a disease, not a moral dilemma. It's deadly if not treated. You are not too far gone to get recovery - never say never!

Keep coming back - try to focus on just one day at a time!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 361
Date:

It sounds like your daughter is in a good place, and hopefully she will go to meetings when she gets out.

__________________

Sharon 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 93
Date:

I'm sorry you're going through this... When I'm stressed I say to myself the serenity prayer, multiple times if I need it, and I have found it does bring back at least some peace of mind, because it makes me think about what I can and what I can't do... I hope you will return to the meetings. I can only say about my own experience so far, but I have found, very recently in fact, that the more I reveal of myself, my thoughts, doubts, fears in a meeting, the more I "undress" there and reveal my various embarrassing thoughts or weaknesses of soul, or fears, the more I benefit and the bigger the relief afterwards. I'm relatively new to Alanon, and this is really weird for me, to be so honest about what I feel and think, I've been censoring myself for a long, long time, and now I've tried to take off my filters for once... Take what you like and leave the rest. (((Hugs)))

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4719
Date:

I understand how desperate this can feel. I had to read over and over again the leaflet on detachment. I had to let go and let God. I can't save my child nothing I do or don't do can cause it or cure it. It's way bigger than me. So I can pray. I can let him know I love him and am hereally for him if he wants help but other than that it belongs to him. Sometimes an overly helpful approach sends a negative message. The message can be I don't believe you can help yourself. I think you need me I know better. Of course we don't want to send this message we love them dearly but this is a situation that needs careful thought. I came to see that my helping was for my benefit and had little do with really helping my son. Fear based help is about me and relief for me. The hands off approach is usually the kindest and most loving but the absolute hardest thing I the world your not alone and you will work this out through your work in alanon x

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3414
Date:

I think we all know that desperate need to try to control the situation - which is really trying to control our own anxiety.

Rehab and the fellowship give people in recovery many options for community, which they can reach at almost any hour of the day or night.  It's okay to let this burden fall from your shoulders.

I know it must be exhausting to be engaging in deception toward the one daughter, and contemplating deception towards the daughter in rehab.

Al-Anon advises us, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." 

When I realized that I could just say my truth, in a kind way, it was so liberating.

You are afraid that if you go home, your daughter will tell you not to come back, and (if I understand you) you won't be able to endure the anxiety of being far away and not knowing whether your daughter is starting to drink again.  And trying to stop it?

It is such a heavy burden to think that we stand between someone and alcoholism.  Remember the first step: we are powerless.  She has all the tools she needs to go where she wants to go.  Where she wants to go is up to her, and even if you were glued to her like, well, like glue, you couldn't change her mind.

But also we tend to anticipate problems.  Maybe she will not tell you to stay away.  Maybe your honesty in the relationship between you will start a new era of authenticity. 

I hope you can find a good meeting to think these things through.  Take good care of yourself.



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Thoughts??


My posts are from a couple of weeks ago, and a lot has happened. My daughter entered rehab 3 weeks ago and we were getting along well. I visited her a couple times a week and attended family counseling sessions with her. I returned home last Sunday for a few days, and was planning on returning when she was discharged. Then all of a sudden, she told me not to come back when she gets out. Her ex boyfriend reappeared and inserted himself into the situation. He had been out of the picture for several weeks, then decided he missed her. This is the same guy who said he wanoted to be single and not be controlled by her. Up until this point, he had not offered her any support by calling her or visiting her. He told her I called all her friends long distanceall to go check on her when she was on a drinking binge and passed out. She had no knowledge I did this. This all happened well over a month ago. Why he decided to tell her about these calls after all this time, is beyond me. It has just caused so much tension between her and me. I was in the past and should have been left there. I live thousands of miles away from her. Nothing was to be gained by her knowing I was in a panic and reached out to her friends. Now I guess I have to sit and worry again while she tries to get her life back on track.. 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2384
Date:
I need some perspective please!!!


Welcome back BG,

As I read your post I think what strikes me is what is and what is not my business what happens when I force my will into a situation.

I'm really glad your daughter sought out help. It is unfortunate that this boyfriend has chosen to behave the way he has bringing up the past, and this is a "me" thing as far as I believe in taking the bull by the horns .. if you did it .. you did it .. own it. I find owning my short comings and apologizing for my lack of judgment is a far better way for me to roll. It also takes away the power of the other person who is feeding the information to cause havoc .. not saying it will fix everything .. at least there is an acceptance of yes I am not perfect .. yes I love and care about you and you are right .. I was out of line.

If my mom did what you did regardless where she was coming from I would be not pleased .. and my mom has pushed a few envelopes recently .. one was a friend request to my bf .. umm NO. I have a complicated relationship with her .. my boundaries are .. I choose the time and place we interchange .. nothing more and nothing less.

I really encourage you to allow her to be where she is at and you go to your meetings .. are you working with a sponsor? If not .. you are not using the program to the fullest .. sponsorship is being able to take these situations and have someone who knows the specifics and work with you program talk and walk. While the past is in the past .. I know I am still responsible for the series of events I have set into play .. and I only have to deal with my part.

Sending prayers your direction .. S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6617
Date:

Good to see you again and so sorry for the pain and insanity this disease brings. I'd be gentle with you and trust the recovery process for you and she...it's so hard to be of service without overstepping....especially when it's your child. I know that feeling.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - one day at a time!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Followup advice please!


My daughter told me not to get a flight and return to support her after she got released from rehab, so I didn't. While she was in rehab, she continued to call to her ex-boyfriend. He told her about all the times I had called her friends to check on over the past few months. He continues to rub salt in the wound, by still talking about it, even though it was awhile ago. I'm not sure why they are talking at all, about me or anyone else. He was very non supportive and hateful to her about her decision to go to rehab. He drinks heavily and convinced her to drink again, after 2 and a half years of sobriety. She gave up listening to him nag her about it, and the cycle of alcoholism and mixing prescription meds started up again.  I'm really concerned about her getting sucked in by this guy again. My daughter, who is once again sober and has been out of rehab for a week, is refusing to talk to me at all. I know I need to work my program and go to meetings, but this really hurts. I have been through several rehabs with her, and have been there to offer support, with calls and emails. This is a slap in the face to not even be able to converse with her at all. Family support is very important in recovery. I feel like this guy is just trying to cause more problems for our family. 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2384
Date:
I need some perspective please!!!


While family support can be extremely important it seems to me that your daughter has at this point made her feelings very clear that she is not interested for now. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go and let God. Are you working with a sponsor? People skip sponsorship as part of program work and while I can attend meetings all day long if I'm not doing the extra step of having a sponsor for a different perspective I am not working my own program. It is extremely important and helps redirect the focus back to where it needs to be.

I hear that you want your daughter to succeed in sobriety and I get that, .. however I don't hear that you are listening to her. This is about her and her disease. Yes, being a parent cut out of a kids life "after all I have done" hurts the reality is she needs to heal and only SHE can do that .. you really do not play a part outside of being supportive .. if not speaking is being supportive then do that. It goes back to the whole I am powerless over (insert the noun here).

As far as the boyfriend she's going to have to figure that out, give her to her HP and let her sort her life lessons out .. telling her she's wrong or whatever is not going to help your situation and that's an opinion .. again .. I'm not an alcoholic .. my mom had behavior .. I do not have a good relationship with her all of the time and we go a long time without really speaking. It would seriously piss me off if she was trying to manage me from up close or a distance .. I will turn away in a heart beat if I feel that's going on. We do not have a healthy relationship all of the time .. we have glimmers and that's what as an adult I choose to focus on .. sometimes she's just to needy for me.

What I have learned is as a parent my children do not owe me anything .. they give freely it's not a requirement of love or acceptance. My mother believes that love is conditional based upon behavior .. if I am good .. if I do what she wants me to .. and then will follow that with you OWE me .. noooo .. I seriously do not OWE her. Any more than my kids OWE me. This is regardless of what I CHOOSE to do for them .. those are MY choices I am responsible for.

I go back to the beginning of the message which is .. focus on yourself and work your own program .. your daughter will reach out when she's ready if that's in HP's plan .. you do not get to control when she does or doesn't reach out and no .. she doesn't owe you because you went to rehab with her.

Hugs S :)


__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 6617
Date:

I have 2 offspring who have been in more than 12 rehabs (combined). Currently, one is (I think - can not find him) sober and one is active. The insanity of this disease knows no calendar, stranger, etc. It is chronic, progressive and subtle as well as powerful, baffling and deadly.

They are adult age now and no matter how much it hurts or how much I worry, they have the power to ignore me, order me away, avoid me and detach from me (any way they want). While I truly wish it were different, it's not and the program tells me in Step One that I am powerless over alcohol (alcoholic) and my life has become unmanageable.

I had to learn in recovery that we don't have to like what's going on, but we do need to accept it. We don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior, but we can't change others - only ourselves. The single best thing I have ever done for me and my family was to embrace Al-Anon, dive in with both feet, take my energy, anxiety, fear and other to the program and work this program to the best of my ability one day at a time.

I am so sorry for the pain caused by the disease in your life. My hope is you lean into recovery and find your path to peace. We truly are powerless over other people, places and things but we can get healthy in mind, spirit and body in recovery. When things are very crazy, I am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer...

Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 139
Date:

Buckeye Girl wrote:

My daughter told me not to get a flight and return to support her after she got released from rehab, so I didn't. While she was in rehab, she continued to call to her ex-boyfriend. He told her about all the times I had called her friends to check on over the past few months. He continues to rub salt in the wound, by still talking about it, even though it was awhile ago. I'm not sure why they are talking at all, about me or anyone else. He was very non supportive and hateful to her about her decision to go to rehab. He drinks heavily and convinced her to drink again, after 2 and a half years of sobriety. She gave up listening to him nag her about it, and the cycle of alcoholism and mixing prescription meds started up again.  I'm really concerned about her getting sucked in by this guy again. My daughter, who is once again sober and has been out of rehab for a week, is refusing to talk to me at all. I know I need to work my program and go to meetings, but this really hurts. I have been through several rehabs with her, and have been there to offer support, with calls and emails. This is a slap in the face to not even be able to converse with her at all. Family support is very important in recovery. I feel like this guy is just trying to cause more problems for our family. 


 

You are very focused on your daughter -- and while I am sure everyone understands that, why, etc., and it appears and feels completely normal to you -- you should speak to your sponsor as to whether or not this is the healthy way and healthy thing for you to do. You are just so focused on her, and have determined what is important, best, appropriate, etc., for her. Not you. She has been through several rehabs -- not we -- she. Her sickness is her sickness and her recovery is her recovery. It is not "we" or "us" -- and your sickness is yours. Start dealing with your sickness and start your recovery. 

You are right -- you need to work your program. Do the work. If you do, with focus and clarity, you will get better....she may not...but you will. See, the two are independent of each other. You may not see that or feel that, but they are. You are "messed up" because she is. Detach. Really detach -- emotionally, not just physically. Work with your sponsor. Every day. Do the work, every day. Focus on you. Laser precision focus. Acceptance. Powerlessness. That's where you start with your sponsor.

Keep coming back.



-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 17th of June 2017 06:41:00 AM

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

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