Serenity,
I see different post about why we get into or stay in relationships with alcoholics and I do not agree that everyone is the same. I think that is wrong of people to try and say that. I am sorry that you had two bad relationships with addicts/alcoholics that you speak of. I have had three relationships with alcoholics because I am an addict/alcoholic. The first two men, I have a lot of nice memories of, and I hold those men in high esteem. We did not stay together but that is life it had nothing to do with any dysfunctions. The last alcoholic man I was in a relationship with I believe has some kind of mental health problem besides his drinking and it was a crazy relationship. I think he is a true narcissists. I do come on this forum and say things that generalize men like this because drugs and alcohol cause brain cells to change and can in fact cause someone to act very bipolar. The only way to tell if they truly have a problem is to know them when they have stopped drinking or using. It is not uncommon at all for people with mental health conditions to self medicate and that would explain some of the crazy behavior. I think it is wrong to try to say we are all like this and that and it can hurt people feelings. I don't believe that we all are dysfunctional in a sense that we are damaged. Alanon is not a program people come to to beat themselves up. I think sometimes people go overboard with some of that. What other people think about what is the right approach and the wrong approach to the program seems to undermine a lot of what is so good about it. It seems like a contradiction to have to prove a point.

I hope you can agree to disagree with anything I said. I really do enjoy your post. I might have taken the things you have said the wrong way, but someone can totally relate to what you are saying and someone else has a entire different thing going on. 

-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 22nd of May 2017 09:02:19 AM

I can relate and agree with everything you have shared here. I see this as the disease of alcoholism already in me before I began relationships with men because even if I look back on my close friendships through school as a child I always picked people I could be comfortable with in relation to my self esteem which really has been low for as long as I can remember back. So I was born into dysfunction and unhealthy thinking caused by the disease of alcoholism whether the drinkers or those effected by the drinking. I think it goes back generations on both sides of my family. So of course I would feel comfort in my comfort zone which is chaos, drama, excitement, never calm rational kind of behaviours or attitudes. Healthy people scared me because I felt they could see me and my fear and insecurity and also I never felt good enough. 

I think its so important for our recovery to look at ourselves right the way through and not to beat ourselves up but to help us understand where weve came from and this understanding is the foundation of recovery because if we dont understand then we cant reach the acceptance part and change cant begin.

Thank you for this.x

For me, what recovery has taught me is I always have choices.....I seriously did not realize this or consider this before. I have said before that my picker is broken - and that is truly an over-simplified way of saying I had a lot to learn in life and I was still doing the best I could with what I had - I just didn't have much.

I believe I have had to go through what I did to get to where I am. There are no regrets about my life, my partners, my choices or my past. Each step along the way has happened for a purpose and a reason, even the worst and most painful.

My BR (Before Recovery) thinking suggested habits are bad. Recovery has taught me I can also choose to replace old habits with new habits if I am willing to do the work...some are easier to change than others for sure.

I don't get to 'test' this yet as I'm a married gal but I tend to attract 'like' people. I have suffered from low self-worth and low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, thus tended to attract high-maintenance folks, such as me. I always felt 'less-than' too so I attracted broken souls. I don't have lists or qualifications for relationships and would not operate that way - not my MO. I've let go of many friendships as I got well because I prefer to spend time with others who are forward-facing, spiritual folks. BR, I had high-drama, high-chaos folks around me.

I do believe we are each entitled to our personal journey - whatever that may include. BR, I did quite a bit of judging based on appearance and first impressions....I have changed that up too as I believe I can learn from each person, each exchange, each event and everyone - if I am open and willing. I work to keep my focus on me, what I want/need and how to go through this day with as much serenity as I can have, and let go of the rest. I do know for me that continuing to focus on my past tends to make me sad or mad and is not worth my time unless I'm having present issues that may be related to an event from there.

I just took a long walk with the sun shining brightly, the mountains all around me and not a cloud in the sky. I sit here now completely humbled by the beauty of all that is around me in the state it is, exactly as it should be. I'm very grateful for my recovery and this day in front of me. Enjoy the moment all - that's a choice!!!

I've come to realize that I made bad choices in relationships because of MY disease not their's. I have had four painful disastrous marriages, each worse than the one before. The only non-alcoholic was the first one and over the decades since that relationship ended I have built him up in my mind I think to be much better than he actually was. His life since our marriage ended has been very successful and he became a well-known public figure. But he was a philanderer of the worst sort and I just gave him a "pass" because he wasnt abusive or alcoholic.

Someone in the program told me that we choose partners just like us and I needed to look at myself to find the characteristic I shared with my partners. I'm not sure I believe that since I havent done to my partners what they did to me. Nevertheless I have looked deeply at my flaws and now recognize the parts of me that matched the dysfunction in my AHs. Hard to admit but important to keep me honest in my inventories. I just didnt act like them just shared their character defects.