The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sorry to not be able to credit who included TOAST in one of the posts here not too long ago. I believe it stands for "Turn it Over And Stop Talking." This has been my most recent go to slogan. It really has helped me to let go and not make a situation worse by commenting with my opinion all the time. Believe me, if it is important enough, I will give my opinion! HaHa. However, by stopping myself from adding a response or commentary on what has been said by my AH each time, it truly has saved a lot of potential bickering or conflict. Especially if he is in one of his "I say red and he says blue" moods, I just keep my conversation to a minimum. It is not done in anger or retaliation, I just know that my own mental health will be improved if I don't engage in a lot of chit chat with him depending on his mood.
Also, on Easter and another recent event, AH was feeling no pain. Not falling down drunk, but obviously under the influence. I would have LOVED to bring it up the next day; let him know that his behavior was embarrassing. However, I decided to "TOAST'.....and not with alcohol.... I knew it wouldn't make one shred of difference for the next event and would only be met with denial, accusations, and arguing. So, TOAST it is and to satisfy my own need to DO something about it, I decided I will have to set a boundary for myself for the next occasion. Perhaps plan something earlier in the day, or meet company out on my own.....or something that will truly make a difference. Talking about it doesn't change a thing.
Also, because AH has a tendency to ask me for information, rather than find out on his own, I also have stopped talking in a way. I will say, "I don't know" or "good question" or "you'll have to ask so and so about that." I am tired of being the only one putting in the effort to find something out. It is time to STOP TALKING all the time.
So, it may be helpful to add this acronym to the toolbox for anyone who thinks, "Oh, why did I even say anything?!" Again though....if it is something of importance or I feel strongly, I WILL talk!
Happy Wednesday to all. It is going to be high 80s here in western NYS tomorrow! Woo Hoo!
Great share Ellen - thank you for the lovely topic!! It's cloudy and cool here today (KS) and kind of a humdrum day! We are going to go through the rest of the week with cooler temperatures than before - that's just how spring rolls around here....
I too learned that my added 2 cents usually cost me tons more in the long run. I wonder at times if NO means Maybe only in my home!!! I've worked hard to retrain myself in commenting and reacting as well as retraining others in how I want to be treated.
I often take my own car to events and that works well. My AH doesn't drink like he used to because of heath issues but 'this' small step changed things up as he doesn't want a DUI....he knows I would not bail him out and has nobody else to call. Most of his 'over-the-top' drinking was sneaking around late at night - which is not desired but certainly easier to tolerate.
All 3 of my qualifiers will argue silly things just to disagree. I sincerely deep down believe that they do it for 'sport' and 'pleasure' and demand to be right AND get the last word in. I engaged toe to toe BR (Before Recovery) and try hard now not to do so - makes my serenity much better!
Enjoy your lovely weather day!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great share El. I really see so much growth in your posts. I admire your self reflection. My group talked about the communication chapter in How Al Anon works this past week and your post reminded me of that chapter. Before I found Al Anon I used to be an explainer. I thought that if I just explained or talked about something enough with my AH (or anyone for that matter) that they would see things my way. I can laugh about that now which is a good thing for me. Sometimes when I reflect on how much I "told" my AH about his drinking and the arguments that ensued. At the end of the argument he came out even stronger in his denial and I believe that is how cunning this disease is. Weeks, months, even years after I saw/see him trying to "prove" to me that he doesn't have a problem. Every time I engaged in that discussion it just strengthened his desire to fight with me about it and it took the focus off him and put the focus on proving me wrong or arguing me into a corner where I couldn't win anyway. When I stopped giving him someone to argue about his drinking with so much of that tension stopped. Now I actually see my AH saying to me "Wow I think I drank too much last night" which he wouldn't dare have admitted in the past because I was so strong in confronting him. The less I push my opinion on him the more insight I see in him. I'm not saying he has seen the light and is going to AA (my pre alanon goal) but I see tiny insights. My AH tends to ask me how much he should drink or if he drank too much and it's always a trap so what I often say to him is "you're a smart guy I'm sure you can figure out what is best for you". And the best thing about it is I finally mean it in a positive way. In the end it's not my business it is his and I am grateful that I can let go of that "responsibility" I thought I had.
I've been there with social events and holidays as well and I've never found talking to him about his drinking any help whatsoever either. It just starts an argument that doesn't help anything. Kudos to you for recognizing that yourself. Gives him another argument to focus on to take the attention off him. I still attend social engagements with my AH but I really try to detach and do what I can to focus on myself. I also hold back all those things I used to do that I thought lessened the embarrassment (intervening, laughing when he says something offensive to lighten the mood, changing the subject) and focus on enjoying myself and leave him to sort out problems he may run into. I also speak up when it's important to me. Rather than focus on the drinking I will focus on the behaviour that bothered me and keep it simple. "I found it offensive when you said x about me last night and I don't appreciate it". I say my piece and he can take what he likes and leave the rest ;).
Thanks for your share El.
Thank you for explaining TOAST! For me, as a recovering obsessive thinker, I could rephrase it as "Turn it Over And Stop Thinking." That could work for me.
Thank you so much for the replies with your own ESH added!
Iamhere, I agree.....sometimes the arguing does seem like it is chair-side entertainment for AH. All the more reason to cut it short!
KT, thank you for commenting on my growth. I can feel it, although some days it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 back. That is what I love about our program......progress, not perfection! I also appreciated the reminder that when we are in the company of others to not try and intervene on AH's behalf by making light, changing the subject, etc. I need to stand as I am and he can stand as he does.
Freetime, that is also a great take on TOAST.......stop thinking! I am an over-thinker by nature and really should apply to be aTV drama writer....I can turn anything into a thick, complicated series. HaHa.
I have had to open this up and see what the letters stand for multiple times each day since I saw this.
I may be resistant, but I'm going to get it and implement it.
Thanks
Good afternoon all and thank you for your ESH on how to apply TOAST. Turn IT Over And Stop Talking was a tool my sponsor taught me many years ago and I still practice it when tempted to jump in and offer advice or my opinion. When really upset I,be taken it physically to my garden where I visually turn my problem over in the soil and maybe plant a flower or two. Only a good plan for summer, winter I shovel the driveway. Just my cool down, think it over technique :)
