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Post Info TOPIC: do i speak up?


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do i speak up?


A relative with family 3 kids, moved in with my us.  Idea was to help both families. For the most part it is good.  But, a big but.  Ive been thinking and praying over this for about 2 months.  I go to 2-3 meetings per week, working hard to take care of myself, (self care so foreign for me).  Any input ??

 What Id like to say, I think..................... I love you all and I want to make that very clear.  I care about this and I'm not going to just act like its ok   The alcohol in this home is really bothering me. Id said I really liked the fact that this home was alcohol free, a safe place for anyone.    I do not like seeing full cans and bottles and empty bottles and cans.  It is easily accessible. There is no way to know who helps themselves.  Its available and there for anyone......... any age.  I do not want to live knowing the temptation and danger it is putting people I love in.   I want it gone.  The anger in this home is really bothering me.  Alcohol and anger is a bad combination.  I want to hear please and thank you.............in pleasant tones.  I love you and want you all here. 

 (as Im reading and re-reading this it dawned on me if we were in their house, Id be making plans to move for self sanity and peace)  ugh  thank you for your care.  I love and am so grateful for Al-Anon.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, Runi, 

This must be very hard to live with.  I also found self-care to be a foreign concept, but after going through very difficult situations, I finally realized it was essential and I deserved it.

I learned that with the alcoholic in my life (and maybe other people too, regardless of drinking habits), my communication of my needs/wants had to be very brief and simple.  Too many words, and they just didn't hear it. I also tried to use nice, kind, polite words so as not to hurt their feelings, but the result was it didn't get my point across.

Maybe something like "I love you all, and I need this home to be an alcohol-free zone. Will you support me on that?"  

Once I set that rule in my home, the alcohol did come back, but it was hidden.  So it's worth thinking if that would be OK for you, or if not then what is Plan B.

Best of luck and please let us know how this goes.  It might not be easy to accomplish, but with your meetings and this forum, you are not alone. If one thing doesn't work, then YAHOO = You Always Have Other Options.

 



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Member

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thank you freetime, i can so relate to what you said, (the alcoholic in your life and other people too, regardless of drinking habits ), communication of my needs/ wants has to be brief and simple. in my case voicing my wants and needs is also foreign. when I've tried i am hit with controlling, judging, nagging, etc. so it's easier to stuff.... Al-Anon has and is helping me to see my value and have a voice. I like what you said, "I love you all, and I need this home to be an alcohol-free zone. Will you support me on that?" I also appreciate your experience and asking me if i could live with Plan B. I think i would be ok if it was hidden. (They would have to be deliberate, intentional in drinking and hiding it. In my opinion, it would / may tug at them on many levels) (trying to be brief and simple ) ;0) I will keep you posted. praying, waiting for now.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I usually qualify my thoughts and feelings with How Important Is It .. as well as Say What I Mean .. Mean What I Say. I also try to be direct to many words get in the way and I'm good for that .. LOL!!!

I truly believe in to thy own self be true. It works or it doesn't and I agree have a plan B .. however there are 26 letters in the alphabet so you are not limited in choices of what you want to say .. just be clear, concise and know what you want.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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runi wrote:

A relative with family 3 kids, moved in with my us.  Idea was to help both families. For the most part it is good.  But, a big but.  Ive been thinking and praying over this for about 2 months.  I go to 2-3 meetings per week, working hard to take care of myself, (self care so foreign for me).  Any input ??

 What Id like to say, I think..................... I love you all and I want to make that very clear.  I care about this and I'm not going to just act like its ok   The alcohol in this home is really bothering me. Id said I really liked the fact that this home was alcohol free, a safe place for anyone.    I do not like seeing full cans and bottles and empty bottles and cans.  It is easily accessible. There is no way to know who helps themselves.  Its available and there for anyone......... any age.  I do not want to live knowing the temptation and danger it is putting people I love in.   I want it gone.  The anger in this home is really bothering me.  Alcohol and anger is a bad combination.  I want to hear please and thank you.............in pleasant tones.  I love you and want you all here. 

 (as Im reading and re-reading this it dawned on me if we were in their house, Id be making plans to move for self sanity and peace)  ugh  thank you for your care.  I love and am so grateful for Al-Anon.


 

Situations like this can always be difficult, for innumerable reasons. You can certainly ask yourself questions, etc., and apply the basic tools of the program:

  1. How important is it?
  2. Does it need to be said, does it need to be said now, and does it need to be said by me?
  3. Check your motives.
  4. Say what you mean, mean what you said, and don't say it mean.

And there are many more. However, what is even more important here -- is that -- this is about you. What is your role, your contribution, your part in this? You are saying a lot in what you propose saying. There seems to be a lot going on here. I would also suggest objectivity -- meet with your sponsor and ask him/her for some insight, perspective, and yes, objectivity. 

As far as self-care, unfortunately, this means so many different things to so many different people. You can look to Maslow -- and one of the core, foundation elements is...safety. Not just physical, but emotional, physiological, and more. Self-care is not just caring for oneself in an action or task way. Sure, the massage, manicure/pedicure, weekend away, etc., all of that is important -- but it is not a one-time event. Self-care should be a constant, a way of being, a way of life. I found that to be the case after recovery -- which is a journey, not a destination.

Good luck.



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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Member

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You can look to Maslow... What is Maslow?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Self-care and a decision to have an alcohol-free home are not related to love for another. My home is alcohol-free, and I just state it kindly and directly. I add - No Exceptions. I have 2 times in 30 years allowed adult beverages at my home - the first time, folks indulged. The second time, (to my complete surprise) nobody brought any therefore did not indulge.

I would skip the love part of your discussion as love has nothing to do with comfortable home. Instead, I would just freely state, "We had previously discussed this home being alcohol-free. That's not what is going on. I understand completely if you want to move out/move on, but I truly need this rule to be respected."

The less I say, the less room there is for misunderstanding, confusion, discussion and/or debate. It is your home, and no matter who is living there, visiting, etc. you get to set the house rules. We learn in Al-Anon to not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. We learn in Al-Anon to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. I spent too much time BR Before Recovery putting other's feelings in front of my own.....I now try to take care of me first. If the alcohol in your home is bothering you, you have every right to establish a clear boundary for your space.

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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runi wrote:

You can look to Maslow... What is Maslow?


Abraham Maslow is perhaps one of the most famous psychologists in history. He was perhaps best known for his work in "motivation in psychology" -- in short, which talked about how people move through different stages of five needs, and how that motivates their behavior. As a result of his work, he ultimately was best known for creating "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs"

Maslow was a Professor of Psychology at Alliant International University, Brandeis University, and Columbia University. He was also very well known and stressed the importance of focusing on the positive qualities in people, instead of treating them simply as a mixture or "bag of symptoms" so to speak.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

in case you are wondering. monday evening i said something like "I would really like you guys to do something for me. I know you guys drink. I would like you to remove all the empty containers and bottles that have built up. And remove the empty bottles and empty containers as you use them. " they were very nice and agreed. i proceeded to beat myself up with guilt even though i knew it was the right thing. well........with in 30 min one of their kids took a bunch of pills. they realized as soon as it happened. 911, hospital. fine. (physically). i went to 2 meetings this week. working on self care. so foreign. awful week. prayers needed.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Big hugs Runi,

I hope you know whatever was going on the pill taking was NOT about you and what you decided to say .. it is ok to make appropriate statements.

Prayers your direction for the family as well as you.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



Member

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Date:

yes i know the pill taking had nothing to do with me and what i said. actually i said it to the parents with no kids in the house. i wanted to respect them as 'adults' thank you for your prayers. appreciate them

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Runi )) glad that you found the courage to speak up as well as attend face to face meetings. Positive thoughts and prayers continue.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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(((runi))) - I too send positive thoughts and prayers your way! Good for you that you were able to speak your peace! So sorry for the 'other' - I am sure that's a stressful situation, and my prayers go out to all affected.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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