The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing that has been really difficult for me to do is take the focus off of other people and putting it on me. I can talk about things in my life, what I'm doing, what my schedule is, however when I first came to Alanon I could not tell someone what my favorite color was, what kind of movies I liked, books I like to read outside of anything for escapism, .. it was crazy when I look back on it .. I could tell you what my kids liked, I could tell you what my XAH liked, for me to tell you what I liked was awful.
The worst question ever .. what do I like to do for FUN?! WTH was FUN?! It was the worst F word ever .. LOL. I was like a deer in headlights when I was asked that .. what did I like to do for FUN? UGH!! That goes with what's for dinner for me .. ask me anything else .. please don't ask what is for dinner! LOL .. I don't know I haven't gotten that far in my day!
I have a better idea of what I like to do for FUN now, even now I struggle with what do I really like or do I like it because someone else does or I think I should like it.
AND it's easier to focus on what I don't like vs what I like because it actually goes back to a negative connotation in that regard .. I mean what don't I like .. Hmmm .. no one could possibly guess that one .. LOL .. what DO I like .. hmm that's a harder question to answer which goes right with the what do I like to do for FUN?
Alanon helped me figure that out and I'm still learning about me and the program has taught me to keep an open mind, look at the positives of the situation as well as take what I like and leave the rest.
What do you do for self care and what do you like to do for fun?
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for your share, It took awhile for me to figure out what I liked to do. I spent a lot of time wondering what my ex-A was doing at first. It certainly is a process, it does get better with time. Thank God for grandchildren, I had an empty nest for awhile.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 02:09:24 PM
Worst F word Indeed lol! Today, I like to put on make up, style my hair and dress up. That is something I have always enjoyed and ticks the self care box as well. I enjoy reading, walking fast, and writing, talking to people in the world about small things and spending time with girlfriends. I'm also a bit cheeky in person, banter is fun, eye language is fun.
-- Edited by a4l on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 04:37:44 PM
Fun for me = softball, golf, fellowship, food and exercise.
Self-care for me = prayer, meditation, meetings, healthy food and the above.
I too can revert to old patterns and focus beyond me. The gift of the program is it no longer feels 'good' or 'productive' or 'normal'. Instead it feels uncomfortable and kind of yucky. When I can stay aligned with our program, things are pretty good! When I allow my EGO to enter, things can go south in a short while.
Great topic and great share!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for posting this! I used to have TONS of fun in my 30s and 40s and I will sit some of the things that I used to do. After a painful separation i am unable to find my FUN at the moment but praying to HP to get back to it. These are some things that can gently "lead " you back: listen to fun uplifting music that you used to love, try things that you used to do as a child such as bake or a sport. I learned how to crochet at age 50 and also learning tennis but i have NOT kept up with it.
I love Netflix and Comedies and even in my dark night i try to watch comedies mostly or light movies.
The key to to try things out and see if they feel fun to you and do little at a time. you may like gardening, painting, crafts, sports, games cooking, etc.
It is SO hard in our families of Alcoholics to figure out what we like. For me that was easy for a long time but now i just feel down so I am blocked a bit. I hope this helps. great topic!! xx
Fun for me is tennis, hiking, yoga, and spending time with friends both individually and in groups.
Self care is prayer, going to meetings, calling my sponsor and working my steps. I also like to get a pedicure when I can afford it and I do go to the salon to get my hair done because I don't trust myself to color it on my own, lol.
I also learned that exercise is not just 'fun' it's also part of my selfceare.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Fun for me can be hiking in our beautiful lakeside trails, hosting a dinner party (keep it at 10 people or less) and listening to live music, preferably with my friends.
Self-care is my walking, my prayer time and at the top of my list is my Al-Anon meeting on Tuesdays at noon.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Good topic and better timing! It has just dawned on me that I have been pouring myself out, with nothing coming back in, and I wonder why I am (and my relationships are) out of sorts. Time to start getting the inflow going again.
As I once heard it well put, "output, without input, equals Kaput!"
1911A1 .. I love that .. "output without input, equals kaput!" that is soooo true.
While I was living with the active alcoholic I stopped doing everything regarding self care and some of why I did was the XAH would make fun of me. Unfortunately I bought into it at the time. A mentally/emotionally happy mom radiates happy kids too. That is highly important to me. I no longer allow other people's opinions to sway me with what I want to do.
I came to Alanon with no sense of humor, .. I had a razor sharp wicked wit .. still do however I have tempered that with more humor than cutting skills .. although that's not always a defect .. I understand better where to utilize the knives and when to put them up. I am far more relaxed and just happy in general.
Last week I decided it was time .. past time to really start taking care of myself so I am trying to drink more water, exercise at least every other day and I'm putting in at min 2 miles walking and next week will start the free weights. I'm not looking to loose weight however tone and just feel better (I could stand to loose 30lbs health reasons not my primary goal if I focus on that .. I will lose interest).
Friends are a staple for me .. it is important to me I touch base and keep them close. They remind me consistently of what is and is not important how short life is, how much I value people in my life .. I still struggle with relationships. I still try and that's what counts.
I also do not want to be the bitter old lady when my life is all said and done and I'm watching that in other people .. it makes me sad for them.
Fun is a must because that is also part of my self care and I have learned valuable lessons going forward of what is and is not ok for me.
Hugs all :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
fun for me is rediscovering myself after 5 yrs of being with xah. i like to see new things,thrift store shop,read,crochet,play with cat,watch movies esp old ones,attend theater,travel on metro train with boyfriend, binge watch tv series i missed watching while stressing over xah. etc today im going to a adult coloring book session at library. i like coloring in my books of costumes/clothes from old eras etc...can i say making love with my boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 yrs is fun ? |]
For a long time I could tell you what I liked and didn't like but couldn't tell you who I was, what I wanted from life or any goals that I had. I never got to know myself! After getting into al anon online, I am finally starting to figure some of this stuff out. I am meant to be on a beach somewhere wearing sundresses and sandals every day. That's just one of the things I have learned (finally) about myself.
Great topic. I also completely lost myself as a person. Enjoying learning about myself now. I discover I love the quiet things in life. Quietness fills my heart will happiness. I like subtle colours, not bright loud ones. I like little things not big overwhelming things.
I love cooking healthy meals, doing a healthy grocery shop, talking with quietly spoken people who listen. I listen to them, they listen to me. I love styling my hair, having nice shower products, pretty make up. Well fitted, low key gorgeous clothes.
Same here. I read and gym and do things with my teenager. Other than that.. nothing interests me. I have become very boring because my emotions seemed tied to his issues. if hes sad or upset I stay kinda quiet because he doesnt really get my jokes or humor. He can watch the news and make no comment and I HAVE to say something during it. So I have lost a lot of my personality in ways. I really have no friends. everyone is married (I am 46) and no one really wants to meet up these days
I am 48 and I have two kids that are fairly young. My youngest is 13 and my oldest is 18 .. LOL. I just started dating after 5 years of nothing and being married for 17 years. I have been seeing a lovely man now for 8 months I think it's been. The kids love him and he's very good to them and me .. it doesn't make the relationship perfect.
Now I laugh only because I have wonderful single women friends who I see and I have friends who are married and so on .. I go and they have been my life lines when I have struggled .. do I relate to my married friends the same way I do my single friends? No .. that would be silly of me to think that I would .. they have a different life than I do. Given my demographics it really made things challenging. My financial situation is way different than most of my friends as well. Meaning I'm the poor one .. LOL.
One thing I have promised myself through recovery is making sure that I do not wrap myself so far around any relationship that I loose myself again. It was a very painful lonely time of being alone however I am SOOO glad I went that direction. I rediscovered me. So when my BF and I can't do something together and I want to go out regardless if I am alone or I call a girlfriend .. I go. I usually plan a breakfast/lunch out with friends sometimes we go for drinks after work. Sometimes we do something else I have done the whole art, or comedy club, movies, groupon is soooo my friend .. we always have a good time regardless of what we do. Point is these people did not just fall into my lap.
I had to put myself WAY out there and find people who were like minded and who enjoyed similar activities. I moved to a whole other State so that really took away my safety net .. so putting myself out there was not an option or I would be talking only to my kids .. LOL .. trust me that would weird them out big time.
I have learned so much about friendship .. I really figured out I have to be a good friend to have good friends. Alanon has taught me how to open myself up that way. I even tried a dating site and actually have a very funny post about some of my experiences on them .. not for the faint of heart and not something I was close to being ready for 5 years ago .. LOL!!!
Keep coming back it gets better .. FUN is important even if it's the other F word :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Same here. I read and gym and do things with my teenager. Other than that.. nothing interests me. I have become very boring because my emotions seemed tied to his issues. if hes sad or upset I stay kinda quiet because he doesnt really get my jokes or humor. He can watch the news and make no comment and I HAVE to say something during it. So I have lost a lot of my personality in ways. I really have no friends. everyone is married (I am 46) and no one really wants to meet up these days
OH, yes. i'm like a worker bee and completely forget (1) to have fun and (2) that i have a body that requires some thought and care. Reminders tend to crop up now and then...
For me, fun = reading a good book, taking photos, seeing movies or various types of art/performance, travel, seeing friends
Self care = reading a good book, massage massage massage, some kind of movement/exercise (endless challenge for countless reasons), sufficient sleep, healthy (not emotional) eating, and doing one thing at a time rather than multitasking
