The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've chosen to end this relationship. It didn't go well. I realize I need a new sponsor and perspective. I have seen changes in my sponsor in the last few years that were very unsettling. I hesitate to reach out to her. She got rather ugly with me and that was when I said enough finally. She's been my sponsor for many years so this feels a bit sad for me. I do know it's the right decision because aside from a twinge of sadness, I feel relieved. This is how I know this is God's will not mine. I have not secondguessed this decision. I was taken aback by her response. She accused me of wanting to get rid of her ever since she'd made an error in judgement that involved me and hurt me. That really isn't true. I had put it behind us after much prayer which resulted in acceptance of us both as imperfect human beings and gratitude for her sponsorship and presence in my life.
What brought our relationship to an end was her volitale response when we were having a disagreement that was unrelated to program. The nasty look on her face, the bullying body language and challenging words she put forth. You know folks.. we say "You don't have to show up for every fight you're invited to." I honestly felt this was the time to call it a day. I knew it just was not working between us any longer.
What surprised me was the accusation that came from her. She insisted I had not been the same since she'd made the mistake concerning me (it was a serious one). She went on to say that she was surprised I hadn't ended it sooner. In that moment, I was surprised she hadn't had any communication with me about how she was feeling about what she felt was going on in our sponsor/sponsee relationship. She sounded very angry. I didn't want to throw stones and I didn't. I just said it needed to be over. She left.
What I feel left with is that she's been harboring a deep seated resentment for quite some time from what she's perceived as a change in me due to a mistake she made. In reality, my decision is based on her not applying program tools and working a program for a very long time. She's in the program a long time and when her sponsor moved she didn't look for another one. I love her very much but her response to me during a simple disagreement was so ugly, I wonder if she ever cared for me at all or if I was just one more sponsee supplying an ego boost for her. Honestly, I hate to take her inventory but I think it just may be that we've hit a roadblock here. A reason, a season, a lifetime? The reason and season have reached a conclusion.
I would still like to be her friend and hope she doesn't harbor any ill will toward me. Her response seemed to be one of righteous indignation. There has been a sense of inequity for some time now and I shared that point with her. I don't feel comfortable with her. I have waited and hoped she might find a way to let go and display some humility but that hasn't happened. I accepted that it's her program to work how she wishes but she is sponsoring me and consistent choice to not use Alanon tools impedes someone's ability to sponsor others in my humble opinion. My decision to end the sponsee/sponsor relationship is based on a desire to keep growing with someone who is willing to mutually share, open up a bit about their own struggles, admit to having struggles.
I'll take some time and then communicate my thanks to her for what she has given me over the years. I'm going to honestly search my heart and offer any amends to her. I do feel she owes me an amends for her bullying behavior but that's not for me to suggest. Thank goodness I'm no longer a newcomer or I might have been freaked out by such an intimidating stance. I just handed her anger back to her to keep. My boundary is that I don't deserve that from anyone. It wasn't going to engage or return fire. My opinion simply differed from hers and why she reacted in that manner is for her to work through. I didn't try to sway her to my thinking. Sadly, this happened once before not too long ago. That time I just tried to lighten things up by joking because I was unconfortable with her over the top reaction. We are grown women not teenaged girls. We both have things in our lives that give us cause to be angry and disappointed but we have alanon tools to help keep anger from coming out sideways at innocent bystanders. My hp entered this situation and gave me the courage to move on. I do have a bit if a heavy heart over this, however.
Thank you for letting me share with you. I look forward to your es&h. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 22nd of April 2017 09:28:23 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It sounds like you made a healthy decision. you outgrew the relationship, it happens. sounds like things got a bit enmeshed which is not ideal. good on you for disentangling.
I tried to respond earlier maybe I need to rethink what I was going to post .. LOL.
My ESH is my sponsor and I started off our relationship with clear boundaries that either of us could end the relationship if we saw fit for any reason. The sponsor/sponsee relationship is so important not for just the sponsee growth the sponsor as well. I mean even here as I share ESH and what I read hits home at times and there are things I need to think about in my own life as I read what others share. It was freeing to know we each made a choice to be in our sponsor/sponsee relationship and we both valued that a great deal. I would have been hurt and confused had she ended it however I think my sponsor would have been to so I'm so grateful for the time we had together and it was a positive relationship.
It's not any different than outgrowing a relationship of any kind, friendship, therapist and so on. You know sometimes you just have to move on. It's not uncommon to have that happen. My sponsor who had 25+ years in program had it happen to her. It sounds like similar reasons. Reality is doing what is right for you. It really sounds like you did what you needed to do and that's a healthy response to an unreasonable situation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I've experienced something similar. It was sad, for a while, and now it is just something I learned a great deal from and am grateful for.
Remember that, close friend or not, what she thinks of you is none of your business. Maybe even more so in a sponsoring relationship? That was my take-away.
You took smart and decisive action and you've made room for a more stable and supportive sponsor and/or whatever lessons are next for you, so, well done! As to friendships, they ebb and flow. I lost touch with a friend for over 20 years and now we talk almost daily. If for right now being in her company isn't positive for you, then it is what it is, and it could be different in the future.
You've handled this with diplomacy and courage...now do something nice for you!!
Hugs
We often talk about similar behaviors when talking about recovery. Often also angry expression is about suppressed fear and guilt. She might be expressing guilt from the past from how she treated you and also because you didn't react as she would have expected. She is as human as we all are. Hand her over to your higher power and continue to love her unconditionally. ((((hugs))))
I am currently experiencing a similar situation with a long time sponsee. I do believe that the time often does arrive when, the relationship changes, the issues are more complex and maybe it is time to move on. We both have grown together and now it is time for her to fly on . No finger pointing, just well wishes .
(((TT))) - I've left sponsors and I've left sponsees. The reverse is true as well. I am one that welcomes change and believe that what is should be and change is good. However, I've seen others who truly take it personally and are quite hurt.
I am reminded that 12 Step programs are made up of people affected by alcoholism and one characteristic is insanity. A wise person here once said to me, "It's a good thing we aren't all crazy at the same time!" This is so, so true. I am working with a young gal right now who came from a very controlling sponsor. She's a double winner and the home group she came from has many young people and then a husband/wife as the 'leaders'.
Based on my experience, this group doesn't align well with the traditions. When she spoke with her sponsor about needing change, growth, etc. her sponsor got a bit testy. This young gal is married to a fellow A who has relapsed and she wanted to attend Al-Anon. The A sponsor thought that was a horrible idea!!
So - she's shell-shocked by her husband's relapse and then she's been told that Al-Anon isn't necessary. God gave me and a friend the words to share - recovery is a personal journey and we must go to any lengths to protect what we've gained, learned, needed. Sobriety, Serenity and Sanity are not givens, they are promised if we do the leg-work. When we are struggling, we must truly do what is necessary to get back to the center of the boat.
For me, if that means change sponsors, change meetings, change routines, etc. I am willing. I was told early on that I needed to always remember HOW - Honesty, Open-Mind and Willing. These ring true still for me today. If you are sad, that's where you are supposed to be. When others react to what I share/say/feel, that's not about me - it's about them. I often grieve when a sponsee stops contact, but not if they've moved on. It's more when they've gone back out (AA) or when they've stopped recovery in Al-Anon. In both cases, it's hard to watch the destruction and pain return so I am saddened for the risk they are taking.
Hang in there - sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts that you find a great next sponsor!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I went through this as well... my sponsor kinda turned on me, becoming overly harsh and critical. it was indeed painful but you know what they say, "if you're in pain, you're growing." cripes.
It was a long process that took time but in the end... after lots of inventories... after finding a professional counselor to support me through it... I got to see that we are "equals" more than ever, despite her forgetting... her ego falling into playing role of superior teacher, it's okay, it's human. And safe for me to remember that God is the only teacher ever guiding me back to HIM. My attachment to my sponsor... and her attachment to her role... whatever needed to be undone was undone through this experience. God pulling me closer to Him as the only attachment that is right and good. Personally, I needed that lesson, painful as it was.
and even though years earlier my sponsor told me to NEVER put her on a pedestal, I observed that she had her own sponsor on a pedestal and think that she expected the same treatment, again only human. I forgive her for her words and actions not matching up and whatever other weaknesses, she just forgot. I forgive because I know how quickly I can forget and yet how very quick I am to forgive myself.
so the relationship had changed and I got to see..... that God was the sponsor behind the sponsor... the teacher behind the teacher.... the friend behind the friend... the father behind the father... the mother behind the mother.... God never went anywhere. With a sincere desire to get ever closer to Him as the only solution, nothing has changed. My attachments only needed some correction.
Today, as my act of forgiveness, I send my blessings and love to her through text messages and snail mail cards... hoping that she feels my love and releasing her from the burden of "failing" me in any way. what she gave me was perfect at the time I needed it, and I still feel immensely grateful for that.
To love "unconditionally" is a bit of a stretch for me, I am not a saint. It's more do-able for me to just try to ACCEPT unconditionally... and I accept that she is just like me... perfectly imperfect... within an imperfect fellowship... in an imperfect world... and still ALL IS WELL.
Thank you for sharing because it feels so good to know I am not alone. It was a difficult time for sure, but God didn't bring us this far just to drop us on our heads ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 23rd of April 2017 01:05:57 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 23rd of April 2017 01:09:41 PM
((((((((hugs TT))))))))) Couple things that popped out at me while reading your post - I agree it is so important to keep working your own program whether you are sponsee or sponsor. I read that sponsorship pamphlet and whatever else I could find on the topic before picking a sponsor. It always stood out to me that it should be someone who has what you want. I also kept in mind that a sponsor isn't there to tell you what to do. Their job is just to share what they've learned by applying our program principles. Can't really share if you're not applying/using them, eh? We sure do get a lot of people who want to just tell ya what to do. That's not program, unless of course they are telling you to read certain topics to help you. lol But I'm sure you know what I mean. Glad you are moving on to something healthier!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I appreciate your post here .. I have had a long term sponsor who fell out of alanon .. our recovery hasn't been the same for a long time although it has been so hard to leave her because her recovery itself has been so helpful for me .. it's possible she has given me all she is able .. this has been over a couple years now ongoing .. but I am thinking after reading this: I do know it's the right decision because aside from a twinge of sadness, I feel relieved. This is how I know this is God's will not mine .. It might be a relief for me to finally make the decision to turn my life will wants needs confusions fears all of it over to the care of god and allow myself to consider changing for the better .. it is so hard to let go of someone who has been such a personal part of my journey .. I have shared more or less my entire life with this person but see I don't need to turn my entire life for a life time over to 'her care .. I need to grow the trust I will be 'again led to the right person ..it might be better than carrying around this gnawing feeling of unavailability for me with me everywhere I go.. I have always chosen emotionally unavailable persons .. for years now .. her circumstances have changed and her emotions are overly invested elsewhere with less balancing ... the sad feeling I get is I am 'always' less 'important' than her .. seems I am giving up more of my 'self worth than growing it .. thanks
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 24th of April 2017 10:19:43 AM
Thank you for sharing something similar that touches many. You handled the situation with dignity and grace as you detached from an unhealthy situation. Sending you prayers for comfort and also sending prayers that the situation may mature to something favorable, if it is meant to be.
Thank you (((everyone))) for all the wonderful responses. I very much appreciate reading your experiences and thoughts on this topic.
I attended my meeting for the first time since making this decision. My former sponsor was there as well. It's important to me to continue with my Alanon group. My group is my lifeline. I especially needed my group this week after something extraordinarily awful occurred near my home. I had a lot of feelings to work through concerning it.
I chose to do service by chairing the meeting to ground myself and restore my sanity. My old sponsor offered a hug at the end of the meeting. I just went through the motions with her and left. I was numb from the happenings that caused me to desperately need a meeting. I had adrenaline fatigue from the incident that happened in the early morning hours.
My old sponsor really owes me an apology but I doubt I will get one from her. By her own admission recently she "never apologizes." It just doesn't matter at this point. I accept that this is who she is.
What's important and what I hope newcomers who are reading this will take away is that you have a right to be at any Alanon meeting you want to attend for recovery. We gather for support and recovery. You may secretly think that my recovery is not so great and I might not believe yours is. We all make judgements that's human. It also helps us to make choices and create boundaries concerning ourselves and other people.
With that said, experience has shown me that if you stick around long enough sooner or later you'll hear the Alanon message somehow in some way from every person in a meeting place. Higher power speaks through all of us and for me, that's cause for gratitude.
So, it was a very good first meeting after choosing to end my relationship with my sponsor. Same meeting opening, same hand holding, wonderful shares, closing, same loving support - Let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
Thanks for the unconditional love and support and letting me share with you. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 4th of May 2017 08:01:53 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
