Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lana · Member

So lost

shrnp · Senior Member

Hello Lana,

Welcome to the forum. I do not have a child that drinks, but I wanted to welcome you. There are other members that have more experience with that. I did want to tell you that there are online meetings twice a day at 9 am and 9 pm. if you cannot get to a meeting right away. I am sorry you are going through this. My son is bi-polar and I worry about him when he is not taking his medication right. I hope things get better. Glad you are here, and keep coming back.

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 21st of April 2017 01:12:53 PM

-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 21st of April 2017 01:14:06 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Lana Welcome Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic,progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. I can identify with your pain as I too had a son who relapsed after many years in AA and it was painful enduring his process. It is a difficult road we travel and I urge you to seek support at meetings.

I needed to accept that I was powerless over his disease and him and to learn to love him and still take care of myself in the process. Alanon meetings helped . If you cannot attend face to face meetings we hold on linr meetings here 2xs a day and they are very helpful. The meetings are held in the chat room

Here is the link and schedule

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.htmlAl-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

Acceptance of life on life's terms helped me to let go and let God

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Lana, glad you reached out to the group, and sorry to hear of the pain you are feeling. I don't have experience with a son or daughter, but as with everyone in AlAnon, have experienced distress, confusion, and fear for someone close to me who drank alcohol.

After trying everything else, I found the AlAnon program and tried some local meetings and found incredible relief, answers to my questions and a much clearer idea of the most beneficial steps I could take for my own sanity and for my loved one. I hope you will consider seeking out a meeting and checking it out, I think it will help...

Hang in there, glad you are with us

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lana and welcome to the board. This family has been so often where you are at now and still attained very solid peace of mind and serenity whether our qualifying alcoholic and addict continued to drink and/or use. Its a disease and we get very sick from it until we reach Al-Anon and then we get very well and healthy. Keep coming back....((((hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too send a warm welcome Lana - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. I agree with those above me who suggest finding local meetings and attending. It is in recovery that I found support, help and hope! (((Hugs)))

Stan1 · Senior Member

Hello (((Lana))) and welcome to MIP. So sorry your daughter has taken a detour again. Understand your pain as I'very experienced it. first with my eldest son and now my youngest and it sure doesn't get any easier. Wish there was a magic wand to cure them but as we well know that is magical thinking. Hard is it is to watch them go through the pain it does help preserve our sanity by attending F2F or even coming here if meetings are difficult to get to. My son recently had his 2nd vehicle accident within 3 months and I did mention to the nurse that I thought this last one was intentional since he had been threatening. He is 38 but the Dr said if he was a danger to himself I could sign a paper and have him admitted to psych for observation but said it probably would not be effective if he didn't opt to do it. He spoke with the psych Dr on staff and my son said he would do OPT if I took him home. Doubtful he would follow through but I went home with him, stayed a couple of days while he detoxed and contacted the court re: fines and consequences and OPT. The 3rd day he was somewhat lucid and he told me he didn't need a babysitter and I could go home. I said fine just understand you are now on your own if you have questions call your RA Dad or RA brother because I'm done. That was January and since I've been busy leaning into Al-anon

Lana · Member

I associate so well with your trying to help your adult son. My adult daughter has slipped again and is mixing strong prescription meds with lots of alcohol. After getting a call from her boyfriend last week, saying she was so out if control, I was in extreme panic mode! He said she wasn't going to work or answering calls because she was too out of it, and very incoherent. I tried calling and texting too her too, but no response. Because she lives 2,000 miles away from me, I had no way to check on her myself to see if she had overdosed or had a seizure. I decided to call several of her friends to check on her. They did that for 3 days. She was really in bad shape when they got to her place. Her boyfriend even had to break the lock on the door to get in because she was passed out! Then last night, I had a bad dream about her having a seizure because of mixing the meds and alcohol. I couldn't get her on the phone, even though it was fairly early, so I had friends go to her house in the middle of the night to check on her. Up until today she didn't know that I had intervened from afar. Now this morning she is texting me, and is furious!! I really want to hop a plane and go to her. I don't think she wants me. I've embarrassed her. This behavior has ruined my life. I have trouble eating and sleeping. I did go to Alanon when I lived in a different city, and read their literature daily. I am still a mess. This girl has been to rehab and detox several times over the years. I don't think these kids realize what their addictions do to their parents. I'm a basket case. Any advice?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, As has been suggested, Visit alanon meetings, get telephone numbers, pick up some literature and keep coming back here.

This is a "WE" program and it works when we work it together.

shrnp · Senior Member

Lana,
Have you ever worked the 12 steps in Alanon? It is good place to start if you cannot get to a meeting right away. The first and second steps are pretty important. The second step is that, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." You are in a good place, many of us have had loved ones as sick as your daughter. My ex-bf has tried to overdose by taking to many pills more than once. I have sent the police and the ambulance to his house numerous times to check on him because some how he has gotten a hold of some kind of medication he should not have. If something was terribly wrong they would take care of it. If something was not wrong than he would get mad at me, but it did not really matter because at least I knew he was safe. If the police thought my ex-bf was a danger to himself they could do a temporary detention order and have him evaluating at the hospital. Have you spoken with any professionals in the area where your daughter lives? It might ease your mind. Many of us have come to rely on our higher power in times of intense worrying. If you can get to a face to face meeting you could get a sponsor that can talk with you one on one. I will be praying for you and your daughter, keep coming back.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Lana )))

There is not much you can do unless she decides to get help. I have been were your at with my son and I learned to let go and live my life so I could be there with something that would really help when he needed it.

I'm sorry your going through it...I do understand your pain.

(( HUGS ))

Lana · Member

Since my daughter was in such bad shape, I decided to hop on a plane, fly 2,000 miles to visit her, and rescue her yet again! Of course she objected that I was coming, but I didn't care. She seemed to be doing ok when I first got here. I didn't see any alcohol or prescription meds even though she had been on a week long bender. 2 days ago her boyfriend broke up with her, and she was a mess. She didn't understand how he could do this. She really wanted to have a future with him. I texted him and tried to talk him out of leaving her right now because she was promising to get sober again, but of course he refused. I think he was just tired of being embarrassed by her and having to babysit her all the time. Then while she was at work yesterday, I stupidly decided to monitor her social media sites. I wanted to see what she was telling her friends, and what they were saying to her. I guess I did it out of fear because of all the negativity surrounding her. She caught me when she got home, and it got really ugly really fast! She said she hated me and her life and she just wanted to go to the bar and get drunk. I was in panic mode. After about an hour, with lots if yelling and crying, I was able to get her to calm down but only after I told her I had been diagnosed with cancer. I know I shouldn't have said that, but I was desperate and it's all I could come up with on the spur of the moment. It was a huge lie. Now I need to try to pick up the pieces. I've told her so many lies over the years so she would stop drinking. I guess I don't know how to stop. If I can just figure out how to get out of this current situation, I'll try to do better. I know I need to let go and let God, but I really dont know how to do that. I'm so depressed all the time. Thinking and worrying about her consumes my life. Why does she always relapse and why am I so caught up in her life? I need some solid advice about how to handle this lie and how to learn not to overbearing. I don't know how I got so lost.

-- Edited by Lana on Wednesday 26th of April 2017 08:17:47 AM

-- Edited by Lana on Wednesday 26th of April 2017 08:23:10 AM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Lana))) - so very sorry that you've been consumed by the disease again. We truly don't give advice and the suggestions won't differ - embrace Al-Anon, for you and your recovery from the effects of this disease. I would find meetings where you are, today and begin the journey to heal you.

I know it's hard to watch the diseased self-destruct - especially when it's your child. I also know that they are not mine to fix, change, cure or lead/direct. They are equal to me in being one of God's many blessings. He's got the grand plan for her life and letting go will allow him to lead her where she should go.

In my own life, each time I engaged with the best of intentions to 'save him', I ended up with a new set of debt, and I significantly disrupted their journey and potentially delayed their bottom. I always have had the best of intentions....and took action with love in my heart. Yet, these 'intentions' were distractions enough to allow their disease to continue.

Working a program can help you with all of your needs, concerns and issues.

Lana · Member

Thank you for sharing and reminding me she is God's child and he will direct her.

Lana · Member

I am still visiting my daughter, but I leave tomorrow and I'm really worried something bad is going to happen. Last week after her break up with her boyfriend, she went on a several day bender and skipped work.. She passed out multiple times and was extremely incoherent when awake. Several of her friends were worried about her, and stepped up to check on her after I pleaded with them to do so. But they all live at least an hour away, and cannot continue to babysit her. I'm so depressed and fearful. If she had family closeby to make sure she was ok, I would feel so much better. Has anyone else been in this situation where their alcoholic child lives several thousand miles away and seems so alone?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I have experienced this painful situation. Calling the AA hotline and requesting that an AA member make a12 Step call helped as did calling 911 and requesting a wellness check
This is a deadful disease over which we are powerless.
Plese keep coming back

Lana · Member

Thank you! I never thought about having an AA member do a wellness check.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Luck Lana. Please take care of yourself and remember that AA members will do " 12 Step" calls. That mean they will visit and explain AA principles to a person The police will do a wellness check.

Lana · Member

Thank you for clarifying that. Since you seem to have expertise in this area, I would appreciate your input. I'm supposed to be returning hone today, which is 2,000 miles away from my daughter. She doesn't want me to stay, but she is in a very fragile emotional state and I'm afraid to leave her. Is it wrong of me to want to stay and support my daughter?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You are her Mom and I see nothing wrong with feeling as if you need to stay Program reminds us that we are powerless over people places and thing and that HP is in contro. I have done as you have because the anxiety of staying home was too great. As soon as I left the insanity began again-neighbor's calling etc. I finally decided that my being there was not helping It is up to you to evaluate
the situation. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.

Lana · Member

After much agonizing about it, I decided to leave and return home. My daughter was in relatively decent shape when I left. She was still taking a very strong prescription med but no sign that she was mixing alcohol with it while I was there. And she went to work everyday. Even though her boyfriend broke up with her while I was there, they are still texting each other on a limited basis. She is absolutely heartbroken and I'm scared to death she will realize how alone she is, and start heavy drinking again along with mixing drugs . I said some pretty mean things to her boyfriend, blaming him because he wouldn't stand by her and support her effort get sober again. What kind of man acts like that to someone they love? Now I'm thinking I need to clear the air between him and me. I doubt that they will get back together again, but I'm really feeling guilty about how I treated him. She has no idea that I said anything to him and was angry at him after the break up. I'm wondering if I would feel better if I apologized..

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the steps is made direct amends whenever possible .. my experience with my own mother is .. it would piss me off to the nth degree for her to stick her nose into something that was none of her business and continue .. and she has done this action and it has backfired on her horribly. I have a limited relationship with her and I like it that way because she refuses to acknowledge this is a problem between us.

Her latest thing was to send a friend request to my current boyfriend who she knows about however knows nothing about nor has she met. She has not mentioned anything to me regarding the fact he's not friended her and we (him and I) discussed it and I asked him not to friend her because our relationship is absolutely NONE OF HER BUSINESS. She knew she overstepped and will not say anything because for me I will call her out on it.

My suggestion is to leave it alone at this point should the opportunity present itself then to me it would be an opportunity .. I do not find my meddling (or anyone else's) to benefit anyone in the situation. More will be revealed if I will just mind my own business.

Hugs :)

Lana · Member

Thank for your input. I know you are probably right. I just feel so bad for interfering in the first place. I shouldn't have done it. I live over 2,000 miles away from my daughter, and I'm desperate for someone to be there who lives closeby to support her attempts to get sober again.. She has gone on benders where she's mixed a strong prescription with alcohol and has been unreachable for days..I'm always in a panic and have reached out to the ex boyfriend and others to check up on her. She has very few friends that live nearby, but her boyfriend does live close. . He would go and check in her. That is the reason he broke up with her. .He was tired of babysitting.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I would really suggest if you are that worried call the police for a well check as already suggested .. I can understand how this would get tiring for her friends .. this is not their responsibility and it doesn't have anything to do with how much they care or not.

I truly empathize with the distance that you are in .. I am at odds as to how this is benefiting either of you? For your sanity and that of your daughters I really encourage you to attend some meetings, work the steps and do your best to let go and let God. That doesn't mean I stop caring as a mother .. it means I allow my kids the dignity to make misteps .. them asking for help is different than me rushing in at every turn to keep them from falling.

Admitting I was powerless over other people, places, things and addiction specifically .. it made a huge difference.

I choose to live 1200 miles+ away from my mom for the simple fact I find her emotionally manipulative trying to control my life and what she thinks I should do. I'm sorry my bad decisions are mine just like my good decisions are mine .. having her smoother me drove me further away not closer. Again .. she just managed to seriously piss me off it's actually very disrespectful on her part to continue to do things as a form of manipulation and control.

Take what you like and leave the rest .. I truly do empathize with your current situation .. only you can get help for you .. you are not going to fix or save your daughter or anyone else. I think sugar coating it any other way is a disservice to both of you because you deserve peace and being able to live your life without this invisible tether of guilt.

Big hugs .. please do seek out a meeting and take care of yourself. Until you make the decision to help you it will not help your daughter in the least.

Lana · Member

In trouble

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene