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I guess I spoke too soon on my last post. We live on a farm and I noticed my A was sitting in the car down there a long time. I walked down there and he's beyond drunk with the bottle in his hand. For whatever reason our lawn mower is on and he's covered in gasoline. I manage to wake him up and get him to the passenger side of the car and drive him up to the house. Once we got here he starts yelling and not making any sense. I told him to just get in the house and go to sleep. He spits in my face and say, "you're a worthless b***h". I told him to just get in the house and balls up his hand like he's going to punch me and says "that's what you want isn't it?" And spit on me again. I grab his arm and make him get out of the car and he swings into the air and falls down. I finally get him up and walking again and while I'm opening the front door he spit on the back of my head. This is nothing my husband would ever do. What is going on?! I should have just called the police and left him in the car but I was just in so much shock. He's never going to believe he did any of this.
Sorry for all the run on sentences. I'm a mess
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 17th of April 2017 08:17:26 PM
((Isthisreallife))) I am so sorry that this has unfolded as it did. I agree, next time please do call the police. Are you safe now? Sending positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Isthisreallife,
I am sorry you are going through this. I have been trying to read your post. My ex-bf was binge drinking and he was not eating. Is your husband eating, because not having the proper nutrition can make them very sick and they might start acting violent. Not eating and only having alcohol in your system can cause cells in the brain to change. You said that he normally does not act like this. I cannot give you advice and I would not want to say something to make you worry but has he seem any medical professionals? It sounds like you might need a little extra help if you are worried about calling the police, I have called the ambulance before.
I am glad that you are all safe for future reference. Here are some helpful numbers:
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111. National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
I am concerned about the spilled gasoline Do you think the fire department should be involved?
Shrnp- he eats regularly because I make him eat. I think that he's taking medication too. I don't know for sure but I think he's stealing medication. His mother just had surgery last week and he's been going to check on her(she's our neighbor). He has seen a Dr and was on medication. He had a reaction to it and ended up in the er. He's refused to go back and take any medication since... well you know besides what he steals from me and his mother. I take xanex for anxiety and Ambien because I'm so on edge I can't sleep. My Dr is well aware of my situation.
Hotrod- thank you for the information. I don't think the gasoline is an issue. He was outside when be got it on him. I took his clothes off of him after he passed out and put them in the wash.
Yes, next time, call the police. Whenever it gets physical, no matter how trivial, call the police. You don't know what you don't know, and these situations, incidents, etc. -- they change in a split-second. They -- the person and the incident -- are unpredictable.
For now, you've gotten through it. Just for today -- focus on you. As far as tomorrow -- find a meeting and go. Start doing the work and you'll get better. Keep coming back.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I am so very sorry for your pain. I have no "suggestions", but want you to know you are not alone. Medications mixed with alcohol made My now RAH INSANE acting too. You are likely right that there will be no memory tomorrow (or at the very least, it will likely have been your fault ***in his inebriated mind***).
Please consider your safety above all other things. An alcoholic is going to drink...what are you going to do?
Please stay safe. Call the police next time... you and your family's safety is paramount! Healing vibes your way.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
You can still call the police. Why would you wait for next time? That's insane. It's ensuring a next time. He should be held accountable and responsible for his behaviour like any other adult would. Why all the excuses? Maybe his nutrition or medication etc? This is what recovery is for to help us see that covering up cleaning up sweeping away the truth is damaging and life threatening. Be brave and give him the gift of proper consequences.
I would hang-dry those clothes instead of putting them in the dryer.
This situation doesn't sound sustainable. It sounds to me as if he's finding more ways to get more intensely out of it. And acting that way makes him more aggressive to you. This might be the time to plan what you would/will do if this keeps up. You might think: suppose he had some kind of untreated longterm insanity that made him be irresponsible and dangerous? What steps would you take to protect yourself? Because basically that's what he has. Would you start saving money so you can move away? Would you talk to a Domestic Violence shelter for advice? Ask him to leave? All of the above? Or ? Because sadly unless arrested by going into recovery, this just gets worse, not better.
(((IsThisRealLife))) - so very sorry for how the disease is unfolding. I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I too am glad that you are safe. We've had some moments here that while unfolding were stressful, anxiety-inducing and more. Be gentle with you - hindsight is just that - a snapshot in time to review a past event to see how to prepare for a next time should there be one...
Taking care of self is the best suggestion I have. Each of these insane moments here gave me some nudges to review boundaries and set new ones as needed. I have called the police and the results are mixed. Each of us is gifted with the power of choice in our recovery and we do deserve to live in a safe environment.
Be gentle with you and know that you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone, as expected he has no memory of anything that happened. He called me from work to ask me to do something and I was very short with him. He asked why i was mad and if he has done something. I very calmly told him what happened and if he didn't get some help the kids and I would be leaving. I told him if he ever spoke to me like that or behaved like that it would be the last. He's completely mortified and said "so this is what rock bottom looks like". He's agreed to get some sort of help. So for now I will prepare myself to have options to leave if the situation ever gets like that again. Here's to praying this is the end one way or another. Thank you again
I am so sorry you had to go through that. What really helped me was to make a backup plan in my head of what I would do if my AH didn't get sober. I was really close to leaving when he finally got sober but it helped to know what my options looked like for my plan B. It does sound like your husband is heading to his rock bottom. Hopefully he reaches it soon before you leave or he hurts someone driving around. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
This is practice time...this is the next time...call the police (coming from a former addictions family therapist). Calling the police sets in motion the recovery process; yours and his. Your husband might never treat you this way however your alcoholic has and often will and will do worse. Remember this is a fatal disease. Do not take that lightly. My experience is wide in this disease...I was born and raised in it and have a family that has been greatly destroyed by it. Let the police know that you have another issue in the community they need to keep eyes on. Sad and Sorry and Frightened with you. Call the police. Give them info and get info back. Let us know.
He is not a bad person...he is a very sick one. (((((hugs)))))
I agree fully Jerry. It's the right thing to do on many levels. It's not easy but it's about taking action to set that clear boundary. I've done it and my son was arrested. It was the proper and right thing to do. It gave him the dignity of being treated like an adult who faces adult consequences. It stops the abuse dead in its tracks. Abuse anf alcoholism thrives on being hidden and cleared away and it gets worse until the correct action is taken or its taken out of the hands of the abused because someone gets seriously hurt and then the harm is greater for all concerned. The lesson repeats until it's learned. This wasyear experience and when I finally got the courage the consequences were bigger than need be for everyone. I don't understand why alanon members here aren't in support of taking this action. Surely this is what the program tells us about enabling this insidious disease to get worse and worse.
I am sorry this is your experience right now. I echo others in suggesting you contact the police now, to give them a heads up and you can also ask them what type of situation merits a call. The one you shared obviously did, as he was threatening, spitting, etc. My AH's behavior was never so outright threatening - but it was scary, and domestic abuse counseling in my county advised me that things can quickly escalate from verbal abuse to physical abuse when alcohol is involved.
I am glad your husband said this is his bottom, but I also want to share... my husband said his intervention was his bottom. Then he said it was his bottom when I left for a month. And then when I moved out and signed a lease for a year - he said the moment he saw the empty closet, he hit his bottom. Then he got in a hit and run, a whole year later, and said that was his bottom. That was 8 months ago. Now we are getting divorced. He is telling me how harmful divorce is to children (ours are 12 and 14) and asking if we can slow things down. His intervention was three years ago this month. I am exhausted, I don't want to be legally connected to him anymore, and I now get that none of these things were his bottom, because he is still drinking, hiding his drinking, and blaming everything on me.
So, please have your backup plan, and have it rehearsed in your head what your options are if things take a turn for the worse again.
I really wish I had called the police several different occasions. It would have really helped my case. Most of the scary and verbally abusive times took place in private. Now, I am getting divorced and asking for full custody because I cannot trust him to drive the kids, and he will do nothing to show me that he is sober when he has them. I have very little evidence or witnesses aside from my own notes. Really wish I had evidence of these things occurring when they did.
Hang in there, and be prepared - it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids. Like Jerry said, your AH is not a bad man, just a very sick man. Regardless of how he feels about what he did and can't remember, now you know what he is capable of - or what alcohol is capable of when it takes over, I should say.
((((Isthisreallife)))) You have gotten a lot of good ESH here. I just wanted to write and strongly agree with those who recommend police involvement, especially since you have children in the home. Aside from all of your protection, a police record is the only way to will be able to avoid giving him large blocks of custody time if you guys end up divorcing. What you say doesn't matter. He can just say it didn't happen. I didn't call the police when my ex threatened and assaulted me. I really wish I had because now he has joint custody of our child and still continues to stalk and harass me. I have no legal protections because I can't "prove" he did anything.
Also please visit with a domestic violence advocate and let them help you make a safety plan. That way you'll have everything ready if he gets crazy again and you and your kids need to get out quickly. Please take care.
