The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Spring! And Happy Easter to those that participate.
So Easter invites went out 2 weeks ago regarding plans at my AH's adult nephew's house. He has a wonderful little family, and a very large house. I asked my AH, "So, what do you think? Are you gonna respond back? Should we plan on going?" His answer was a grunt and then silence. So I put it out of my mind. Then last week he group texts that all three of us will be there. So when I get home I double-check about going. He tells me yes, we'll go and if you want to invite my mom & dad I can. I tell him, no, they probably wouldn't want to, but I will ask. Later, my dad invites us to brunch at a restaurant. I plan on going, but didn't really care if my AH went or not. But when he found out, he told me and my folks that he would love to go.
Fast forward to Friday. He texts me at work (something I've have repeatedly told him not to) if we could go and buy him a couple new shirts as nothing fits him he's gotten so big. Sure I said. Later when I got home from work I asked him what time he wanted to go on Sat. b/c I had several errands to run. We agreed on a time. Come Saturday, low and behold, he doesn't want to go. "OK, how about later in the day?" He says, "Sure."
Later in the day comes, and he is asking if we could go the next day. I told him no, I don't want to go then. He gets all weird and angry with my answer. So I calmly (thank U Al-Anon) explained that I don't want to rush in between my family's function and his family's function. I needed some down time before I go and be with his whole clan, and besides, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and nothing will be open. Still he tried to convince me. I finally just said no, that's not what I want and walked away. As it turned out, I ended up going without him and picking out some shirts (mostly b/c I was going to the store anyway). He liked what I'd chosen, and nothing more was said about that.
This morning my alarm goes off and as I was getting out of bed, my AH says to me... "I don't think I will be going this morning." Luckily, I didn't really want him to go anyway, so I said "OK." Then left the room to get my son up. Brunch was delicious, and it was fun to be with my parents and brother. When we got home, I was able to lay down and take a little nap before it was time to go to my AH's family thing. When I got up and was getting ready, my AH was still in his PJ's on the couch, watching TV. I asked, "Aren't you gonna get ready? We have to leave in 15 min." Of course his answer was, "No, I don't think I can go." I had to say, even though I was seething inside, I was proud that I just said to him, "OK, but please text them so that I don't have to deal with answering all the questions of why you aren't there. I just can't deal with that anymore."
Even though my son isn't as comfortable with that side of the family, we both had a great time. Of course I still got the questions b/c my AH did not text, and I had to have an awkward heart to heart with his mom... she's thinking she should not baby him anymore and she needs to "cut him off." You think? LOL! Anyway, I just told her that she needs to do what she feels is right and that he won't change until he is ready. The funny thing is, he had the audacity to text me several times. Once to ask if I would ask for dinner leftovers to bring home! Ugh! Lucky for him, his nephew made him a "to-go" plate, b/c I didn't even want to.
Well, my son and I get home, and there he is, my AH in the same clothes, same couch, different TV show. Dirty dishes still in sink, and tons of housework stuff to be done. But, I didn't rant, or even ask what he did all day. I went directly to my room and changed my clothes and then sat down to eat. Detachment has been my sanity savior!!! Is it sad... yes. Is it dysfunctional? Yes. But can I do anything to control what he does? No. This is the one tool that I have used that doesn't simultaneously make me sad when I use it.
The funny thing (meaning strange) is that he sat on the couch and just cried and cried. He has been doing that a lot lately. It used to just tear me up inside... but now I see it as a manipulating tool and I don't give it any weight. I do tell him that I wish he wasn't hurting and that I wish I could take it all away, but then I remind him that all of this is in his control... nobody else's. So I think that is progress. I went from trying to fix him, to ignoring that behavior, to lovingly telling him I was sorry for his pain, but only he can control... he needs to take his meds, he needs to see psych, etc.
Lately, my son has been asking more questions about his dad... but that has given me some great opportunities to repeat Al-Anon ideas/slogans - mainly in the hopes that he can see my point of view as well as hopefully being able to use some of those tools himself!
As I post here, I just realized that is why he was so adamant about going on Sunday to get the shirts. He was already planning on not going!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I think you acted brilliantly well. I know i was always tempted to go right ahead and isolate along with the a, before program, and even to just go right ahead and isolate as a go to response well before the a and before programme. Good on you and keep coming back.
It sounds like you are doing really well. It does sound like your husband is enjoying a big babt pity party. Your while story made me think of him like a little spoilt child attention seeking and getting rewarded for bad behaviour the shirts the food the focus of attention throughout the day and at the end crying for himself. You did so well and I'm glad your working to not enable this. Enabling can stunt a person's growth and cause real damage. We all must have the full proper consequences of our own actions to begin changing. For example. He decided to not go out and make the effort to get shirts he needed but he got those shirts without any effort really. He decided not to go to the event but he got a plate of food with very little effort. He is getting what he wants because others are doing for him what he can do for himself. He can stay in child mode. He even turned on the waterworks much like a child would when they want sympathy and attention. It's a disease that needs a firm hand. Allowing him to be in his discomfort of his own making is vital.
Awesome work in progress PnP! Glad that you and child had a couple of lovely family moments!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all! Yes, I had progress, but el-cee's ESH showed me that there is still some work to do in not enabling. I am glad that others can see what I see. Too bad his family doesn't have as clear of vision!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
