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I'm finally posting on this board because I have had a lot of difficulty attending in-person meetings - I'm hoping to have more childcare by the summer but waiting is starting to feel crazy - I have a two year old, and my H is an alcoholic. My mother is a recovered alcoholic and she has been in recovery for over a decade, she did so much work and is just an amazing person, but it's so crushing for me to be dealing with alcoholism again in my life (I know that's how it goes, but still)
I read the entire Al-anon book a few months ago and it was very helpful, a lot made so much sense to me, but it gets hard to keep it straight when my partner is always trying to twist things around on me. His drinking has been escalating over the years, but everything started to fall apart at the end of 2015 with the death of his father - he basically lived at bars and left me at home with our baby, he was arrested a few months later for cocaine possession, and has been seeing a therapist since and we are almost done with the legal issues as well. I think he has actually quit cocaine since the incident, but his drinking is really severe and therapy is doing basically nothing.
At least a few times a week he doesn't come home from work at all, he just goes out drinking. I'm getting better about detaching and moving on with my night and not letting it drag my mood down. Last night he showed up around 9 (usually he's out until very late and I get to avoid dealing with him), which totally caught me off guard. I was just sitting down for dinner myself after putting our daughter down and finishing some work. He was totally drunk and I just very nicely said that I wanted some time to myself to just relax, and I didn't want to get into talking about why he was late and what he was doing. He does this thing where he claims he was out doing important things for his job, and then he gets incensed about it when I don't want to hear about it. I always say I'm happy to talk about it but not right now. He got really aggressive with me, which isn't uncommon, badgering me about how I won't spend time with him. Then he slipped on some cardboard by the door and he picked it up shoved it on me while I was trying to eat. Like it's not a huge deal, but it's obnoxious and he's being a bully. This morning I don't bring anything up, I just get my daughter ready, and he just starts right back in with the same stuff - it's all me, "hopefully you'll actually talk to me tonight" and telling me I'm shunning him, and that never gets anyone anywhere. His mood from his hangovers in the morning are almost as bad as anything else, I just grit my teeth until he walks out the door and I do my best not to get angry at the things he says.
It's fine for me not to spend time with him when he's drunk right? I mean he already blew me off and didn't come home, that's fine, I try and move on and take care of myself. I don't want to sit down with him and "try and have a nice night" as he puts it. It's not because of punishment or anything, it's that he's drunk, and he repeats himself, he is really touchy and often looking for an argument. I just want to avoid the whole thing because it gets exhausting. I guess I'm looking for some reassurance. Looking forward to learning from everyone else on here.
Welcome to MIP Vicki - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism, as you know, is chronic and progressive. It's truly never cured but can be treated through recovery and abstinence. In my situation, my qualifiers also 'resisted' my efforts to detach. It really did get worse before it got better and I believe this is just because there was change (me) and they were uncomfortable with change! The insanity of the disease took it's toll on all of us but I don't believe they ever expected a point in time where I would actually step aside and allow them to do as they needed/wished.
I do believe you (as we all) have choices. You have every right to find your peace however you can/need to. Where the meetings really helped me was to hear the ESH of others on how they detached with love and how they established their boundaries.
In my home, I had to find a way to state that I was very uncomfortable being around others under the influence. The biggest change in how I stated what I needed to was I worked hard to remain calm and stated what I had to using I statements. In the past, I used many You and Yours and that was met with big-time resistance as well as added fuel to a fire that was simmering just below the surface.
Here at MIP, there are online meetings. If you look to the top left, you'll find the schedule and the link to the meeting/chat room. Those might help you until you can get to F2F (Face to Face) meetings. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Vicki Welcome as you can see you are not alone. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which are powerless. Alanon is the recovery program for family members who need the support of like minded people because by living with the insanity of the disease, we tend to abandon our own selves, loose our self esteem and require our own recovery program in order to grow and thrive . Learning how to truly care for ourselves, while being kind and compassionate to others is a gift of program. Please do keep coming back and try the online meeting here- they are great
My story reads almost like yours, as most of our stories do. The one thing I found when I first came to this board is that WOW I am not alone. It was so validating, it gave me hope. I struggle with f2f meetings too, started with the online meetings here (in the evenings) and have finally carved out some time for 1 f2f meeting a week (as I have small children and work full time with no help from my AH). I grinned (weird to say) when I read what you were saying about the big important job and all the important things he is out doing. My AH is the same way. He is out working so hard for US, and he worked a 12 hour day for US, and blah blah. When really he works a 8 hour day, then goes straight to the bar for 4-5 hours every. single. night. Every night.
When I first came here (over a month ago now, my how time flies) I had set a boundary that I wasn't going to allow him in the house drunk (it was that way bc of an incident)... at first I thought the boundary was for him, I have discovered the boundary was for ME and MY Serenity. I relate this to you choosing not to engage when he is drunk/ or recovering the day after, it is a boundary you are setting for yourself. Good for you!
Hi pumkin - yah it's the worst when they are doing things for "us" - how many important business meetings are happening at Wild Wing a week? haha - and it was the same with his alcoholism when his dad was dying. He would say he was never around because "I'm looking after my dying father" - he was at the hospital sometimes, but mostly at a bar, now the same with his job.
How do you enforce him not being in the house drunk? Does he stay out until he sobers up?
My husband is really defiant and very hostile with any kind of limits of any kind. He would never follow anything like that unfortunately, even small limits like the incident last night are received with major repercussions. I'm looking forward to getting to a f2f meeting soon. Thanks for the personal response!
To share a story that happened to my daughter when she was 13 during a visitation with her dad (my boy at the time was 8), things went very wrong so wrong I got a call from my daughter at first she had been crying and I could tell she was in shock really. I had a Temporary Restraining Order out on him which made things even harder to pick and drop off kids. He actually went to jail over this because of 3rd party violation .. long story and normally 3rd party contact doesn't count except he text my daughter's phone wanting to talk to me.
My daughter confronted him about his drinking while he was drinking and I'm telling you as she was telling me this story my heart was stuck in my throat .. my XAH is 6'5 and 250ish at the time it would have been nothing and his anger at me could have been misdirected at her for him to smack her into the next room, not even using all of his force. Thankfully his response has usually been compliant, my kids will both volunteer that he is terrified of me .. all 5'4 of me .. lol. I'm ok with that because he knows I don't play when it comes to the kids. She was amazing .. she was firm with him, gave him boundaries, and when they left he was crying begging them not to go .. she told him they love him however he needed help. They were not going to visit him while he was drinking.
The point I am running around the tree to get to the squirrel hole is you do not know what someone will do who is in an altered state of mind and if there is a possibility of violence my strong suggestion is do not confront a potentially violent drunk. He had been escalating at the time and was extremely angry with me. So instead of him leaving there is always the option of you leaving while inconvenient it still sends the same message while keeping you safe. I heard a million times from other women oh he would never do .. and guess what happens .. yup .. violence occurs and while being in an altered state of mind is never an excuse for violent/aggressive behavior I equate it to dealing with an injured wild animal .. looks cute on film however not so fun in real life.
The boundary in my home was no drunks in the house go sleep it off at mom's. There is always the possibility of getting a DUI which is what happened with my XAH. He tested my boundary and was asked to leave .. tried to posture about not leaving and I informed him I would gladly have the police escort him out. He was not sober at the time and proceeded to get more drunk as he drove around town.
I really get concerned when I hear that the active A is behaving in an aggressive manner and calling a DV place having a plan A,B,C,D .. to Z there are 26 letters in the alphabet use them is important .. first and foremost .. safe parent, safe kids.
Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My counselor (before the incident when I placed my boundary) asked me if I had a line. The line was not only in reference to the drinking, but other factors as well and I said--- I know the line is there, just not sure what it looks like, I feel like when I see it, I will know. Everyone's line looks different, and the boundaries set after the line is crossed also looks different.
I agree with Serenity's post... for me, it was the threat of violence that was my line... that night, he crossed it-- I saw it-- and I set my boundary. My A is someone who always runs from problems--- so for us, it was natural for him to leave. The only difference this time was I wasn't begging him to stay or begging him to come home. To be honest that stopped quite a while ago (but I have abandonment issues so it was a struggle to get to that point for me). Al-Anon has helped me to understand why I set the boundary and how to start my recovery.
As I type this all these slogans come to mind in this one moment (I almost feel silly saying it, but it's true)- One day at a time, I didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. I am Aware of the problem and my part in it, I have Accepted that alcoholism is a disease that affects all of us and I am taking Action to protect myself and children from the insanity. It started with me letting go and letting God. Powerful.
