The material presented
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So far, I have been successfully (mostly) detaching; focusing on myself and the children and trying to celebrate the times my AH attends his AA meeting. As he is a non driver, I have given my evenings to ferrying him to and from various meetings. Tonight I just picked him up from his AA meeting and he is completely drunk and falling over just outside the meeting. I totally lost it and became the screaming banshee that I have tried so hard not to be. I am furious and no amount of serenity praying or ODAT is helping me at all. I just want him out of my life and I feel no compassion whatsoever for him at the moment. Sorry I know this is not how I am meant to be, but I am tired of the effect all this is having on me and the children. I have no-one else to vent to - so am sorry for doing it here. It's the irony of getting drunk at the AA meeting which is hitting me so hard. I just want to cry. Thank you for listening.
My AH did the same thing. He would drive though. Say he was going to a meeting and go the bar. Since he was already drunk he could barely walk when he got home.
I did my best to detach at times like this. It is his life and if that is how he wants to live so be it. It's times like these that I dive into my program. Reading the literature would help me as well as getting to a meeting.
Using the slogans and the serenity prayer were my saving grace. As difficult as it was I would try find something to do that did not involve my AH. I was powerless over his alcoholism and could nothing for him.
Maybe the right thing to do is cry .. It's ok. Now would also be a good time to reach out to program people from meetings as well as a sponsor. It really is ok to lose it .. Until you know better you can't do better .. I still have moments of kicking my program out the window looking at the smashed pieces and figuring out what's not working. Most of all be gentle with yourself .. It's a horribly cunning baffling and powerful disease .. This is not a reasonable situation ... It's learning to manage with healthy coping tools .. I have had moments FU was my slogan not saying it's right just saying at least I thought it didn't say it .. Progress not perfection. Big hugs I'm so sorry that happened. S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Don't be sorry. It's a frustrating lying stinking disease that would make a saint angry. It's okay to feel. There is no right or wrong. Alanon is about helping you be free of the disease all of it but it takes time. Can he go elsewhere for a while give you peace? I left my ex husband a good few years ago and I have never looked back. I'm not saying leaving is for everyone but it's a choice everyone has and after some time in alanon we get to see clearly to make the right decision. So keep going to alanon and freedom one way or another is there for you.
Thank you all - I will continue with my f2f meetings and also ask for a sponsor.
I have asked him to leave for awhile to give us some space and he won't and has further announced he is not going to work anymore. I can't afford to leave with 4 children on my own, one of whom has a disability. I have no family or friends to stay with and in the area where we live the rental is too high. My daughter is about to sit her GSCEs so relocating to cheaper area is also not an option. I feel trapped. I feel my HP is screaming at me to get out - for my own and the children's sanity. I have only been to 7 alanon meetings so far, but these feelings to leave and get out are just increasing.
I know things will progress and just thank you all for listening to me in the madness that I am in right now. I think the only thing I can do at the moment is to live upstairs away from him completely while I work out my next steps and keep focusing on the children and me. I have my next Alanon meeting this Friday and will ask for a sponsor then. Thank you.
Hi bettertomorrow.
I know exactly how you feel and just wanted you to know your post has resonated with me . I am also so angry /disappointed /frustrated by this disease at the moment. I have had relative peace from my xah the last few years but he's back with a vengeance at the moment and my God is it affecting my serenity .. Big time.. The unreasonable , irrational, they just don't see it , element to alcoholism is really getting to me too. I intellectually get it and thank god for my program and the knowledge I have gained about this cunning and baffling disease .. Yet emotionally I'm not there at the moment.
Thankfully I am physically detached but he does not half get under my skin even after all this time ..
Sorry to jump on your post.. But I so know this feeling , I remember it clearly during the married years and still get it all these years post divorce .. Light bulb moment , maybe back to basics for me and putting the focus on me .. I'm definitely spending way too much of my precious time trying to figure out what's going on with the alcoholic and why he does the things he does.. Convinced this is a question I'm never ever EVER going to get the answer to , but today I'm finding it hard to let that go..
Have faith in the program , it's been my life line this last 6 years . Off to a f2f meeting tonight .. I'm needing an alanon boost ..
I too struggled with boundary setting when he was active , especially with a young child. But eventually I managed it , it didn't stop the drinking but it got me some peace . Big hugs
Hi Faith40. Please don't apologise for jumping in the post - it helps me so much to know that others have been / are in the same situation as me and come out the other side. I hate this disease so much. Hugs to you and all others in a similar situation and thankyou all for sharing your own experiences. x
(((Bettertomorrow))) - sending you hugs, prayers and positive thoughts. The disease is maddening - there is no doubt about that. I agree that you should feel the feelings, just remember that feelings are not facts and this too shall pass. When I was new, I truly believed that what it was is how it was always going to be....amazingly enough, as I focused on me and what I could do constructively for my own health and joy, things did change and improve.
Lean into the program as best you can. I also understand that desire/feeling of leaving and feeling stuck. I was one who repeated the serenity prayer over and over and over again and focused on what I could do within the reality of my situation at the time. One Day at a Time - be gentle with you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are not alone. My son has been cycling between getting high, promising not to and back again. Makes you feel crazy and stupid when you have been getting them set up for school, getting to meetings, replacing lost phones, helping them move out of a dorm they were kicked out of into a new place and then find out while you were doing that....they were taking drugs anyway. Makes you feel like a fool and soooo angry. You are not alone!
I remember coming to the recovery understanding from the fellowship that drug and alcohol using was a deal breaker. The fellowship was teaching me about dealing in sanity while insanity kept coming past the door of my life and they taught me that it was like going to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread. I got it!! and stopped doing what I was doing the way I was doing it. When I stopped and my qualifiers understood I would no longer react to the drama they were bringing around they stopped in various ways. Some left and went elsewhere and some went for recovery (Yay!!) and others still are practicing the disease and not bringing it to my front door. Sadly those in the family who are still using and drinking make it their choice without my conditions other than they cannot bring it here. I put my efforts with those who want to change for the better which helps me change for the better.
Venting is good when it is surrounded with love. (((((hugs)))))
