The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The more insanity I recognize around me.
The latest episode was my mother. She took care of my son overnight and then drove him to ice cream (yum) and then back towards our house (about an hour away). It was nice, but then I found out from my 5yr old that the car seat wasn't buckled right. They couldn't get it right and just used the (thin plastic) chest buckle. And, most importantly, decided to never tell me.
When I (mad but calm) called my mother about this she yelled at me, and hung up. She then ignored my follow up call and I have not heard from her in a week.
All because getting to play grandma of the year is/was more important than being safe or respecting either of us enough to take the time and fix the car seat or have a grown-up discussion. I am so glad that insanity is no longer normal to me!!
LOL and I only laugh because I remember the struggles of dealing with my XAinlaws and the mom was a lot of fun .. NOT .. there were things that don't tell your mom which of course was the first thing my daughter did and I made sure she did not get punished for it. It's very difficult to deal with someone who doesn't see an issue with their behavior.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hello Tara..as my Mom aged I found that she was not friendly with modern technology or gadgets. I would hear "Well you survived without even seatbelts" The digital clock that was blinking had a picure placed in front of it because someone didn't know and wouldn't ask how to fix it. As the eldest I also realized if I approached her criticizing manner it would just end in fireworks. I learned to approach in a different manner....like, Mom, the kids said you had a hard time with the carseat the other day, I had to get used to it too, let me show you my trick. Getting older now myself and not as a sharp as I once was is extremely frustrating at times. When my grown kids get a bit impatient I sometimes smile and say " ease up a bit...I taught you how to use a spoon.
Oh boy.....I am grandma now and feel that I am still 'young at heart'....however many of the newer things confuse the daylights out of me. It is true that I survived life with no seat belt until it became law and never was in a car seat - didn't exist then. My boys had car seats, but they were easy compared to the ones today.
Each time my parents visit (I've been in the same house for 18 years), my mother clears her plate on the side of the sink without the disposal. It used to rub me wrong and I would correct her (not always so kindly as I was digging yuck out of a drain). Instead now, I try to be of service and offer to clear her place setting and plate. If she does it, I let it go. I remind myself that life is short, she's doing her very best and she doesn't want to learn from me as she taught me to use a spoon.
Aging is difficult enough and things that were easy (opening jars) are no longer easy. The car seat buckles and straps are very difficult for aged hands to get right/tight IMO....I've actually told my son and his baby momma that I am quite sure I am not getting it right and they've shown me over and over again. I am sure if I did it more often it would get easier but I can share that it's very intimidating to/for me.
My boys get on me for repeating myself. It annoys me as they have no patience for it at all. My response - if it annoys you now that I repeat myself twice, you better buckle down - if I'm like my elders, you're going to hear it many more times than two in a few short years. When I am interacting with my parents, I am reminded of the Prayer of St. Francis - seek to understand, seek to bring peace, seek to love, etc. While the carseat is of utmost importance to you, it may not be to her. I'm not saying this is right/wrong - just reality.....took me a long while in recovery to realize others had different values/morals than I...powerlessness goes well beyond the immediate people in our home! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am a grand-pop and i find I have to get things exactly right in the car seat department. When I was a kid there were four in the back and one in the front straddling the gear stick.
I was a miss goody-two-shoes myself in many ways... but around machinery- not. Driving a tractor at age 12.
Daughters' kids live near nearby... and we are around them lots- which is nice...
Thanks for your comments
I'm feeling mad - and truly think it is a healthy reaction to this behavior from my mother.
It's true the seat is complicated for her, and maybe the straps were difficult, or she felt it wasn't important. It's also true she knew it was important to me, she never once paused and tried to call me to help solve the problem, and she tried to hide it from me. And then she turned her anger on me when I tried to have a constructive conversation.
The insanity is not the difficulty with the car seat, it is this unhealthy way of ignoring what I say, devaluing my feelings, and trying to cover things up instead of being honest and accountable. She is lashing out at me and I feel such relief in being able to detach with love instead of being pulled into the drama she has created around this conflict.
Hi Dandelion This sounds as much bigger than the car seat Detachmnt any way you can with love or with an ax will help. Your serenity is of the most importance.
I can relate,I'm a grandma also.
Raised my kids pretty much the same as I was raised without seat belts,even riding in the back of a truck,lol,true.
Remember those days so well,bring about fond memories of those days,we were called the Beverly hill billies,lol.
When seatbelt ,car seats ,came into law,then they had to enforce that law,took yrs to get use to it,
I didn't buckle up myself till after a big ticket,I buckle up before I crank,it's click it or ticket here.
I love the ,,ease up a bit I taught you how to use a spoon,have to remember this one.
Seemed so many things I had to learn,my daughter was also impateint with me ,I finally got it right,daughter saw my struggling to get car seats strapped in,kids buckled in,not a easy task for me.
I did have poor judgement in that I did improve my daughter pointed this out to me.
A lot of great esh been given here,great Topic ,
Thank you for shareing......hugs LU.
I am a grandma, and admit that I am not good with car seats, but I do my best to get them to work right. I don't normally take my grandson out unless I have someone else with me. I am so afraid, I am going to miss something because my eyes do not operate the same as they did when I was younger.
Mothers have magical powers i beleive, as an adult daughter. It's not the carseat from what im reading. Its that communication style which implies so many things a recovering you is learning to question. Normal. Detachment is hard but so good. I couldn't detach from mine, everything converged and the dust is still settling. Hope you did something nice for yourself taraxacum.
I just want to add that I love these shares - I don't expect my mom to be perfect, and I know so many things are more complicated now than they were even one generation ago. I spent a considerable amount of time learning how to use the car seat myself and know it isn't intuitive at all. For my recovery, this is another step towards bringing my relationships and expectations into alignment with reality. My mom has a lot of good qualities, and her flaws are part of who she is too. She is family, she's just not a great babsitter for us.
