The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is 3:15 am. I woke up and immediately started replaying scenes from a family gathering yesterday which made/make me so angry. So, I have been reciting the serenity prayer like a mantra along with steps 1-3. I know I can't carry this into tomorrow, as it will be a new day.
AH's siblings were over yesterday. H must of been nipping in the garage when he went out to smoke, because the personality switcheroo happened and he became quite insulting to one of his sisters. She took it for awhile and then gathered up her stuff to go. She told him off pretty good and honestly was spot on with her accusations! After she left, he carried on about her and I don't believe he let in anything she said.
This leads me to my anger. His denial is so deep; the disease so self protecting, I don't see how he will ever reach a bottom to want to try to beat this! All the events that have been ruined. All the people he has insulted. The dwindling friendships and relationships. None of it penetrates the denial that he's done anything wrong or to see the role he played.
I am so angry at him, yet I know it is the disease. I'm still angry, though! Until he sees the damage he does and want to change it, it will never change.
I know....lean into my program. I am doing that, and I have a plan for the day to keep me busy along with a little something nice for myself.
Thanks to MIP, who helps to maintain the sanity! Who else could I vent to at 3:00am?!
Hugs E! I'm very sorry.. I think people really do themselves a disservice by not owning their anger .. Yes .. He had a disease he's still responsible for his behavior and consequences. I learned in the program for me at least it's ok to feel angry and realize it's a feeling not a fact .. After safely venting and dealing with Anger for me is a motivating factor of doing the next right thing. I don't understand why people feel the need to apologize for being angry at moments for a very unreasonable situation. These are situations that are above the realistic line of healthy. It's ok to stay. It's not ok to think you are never going to get angry or shouldn't get angry. Now if you are setting fire to the house because you're angry that is a different issue and not ok lol. ;) I hope you have a great day doing something for yourself and being able to safely handle your angry feelings. Hugs ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
HI El I agree, owning anger, as you have done is healthy. It is how we respond to those negative feelings that counts in the long run. Glad that you came here and shared and made a positive plan for the day. Doing something nice for yourself each day is the key. Remember that HP is in control and we are indeed powerless.
Glad that you are here and sharing the journey with such courage and honesty.
I understand, I can wake up at this time of night because of events of the day. I truly believe my higher power is waking me up to think about an action I need to take. I usually write it out and have a plan of action by the end of it, it could be that I need to address something, a boundary for me and my own life. It means Im not making decisions that are making my life better, something needs to change.
Thats my take on it. Maybe your being urged to step off the merrygoround, your husband cant do social gatherings, its impacting on you negatively. His sister has her own decisions and choices same as you. It could be that you don't invite him to these get togethers, that way you get to not isolate, (very dangerous for us) and be in a safe healthy environment which isnt possible with him there. Not inviting him is most likely the proper course of action for everyone concerned. It ensures a calm environment and maintains your serenity and your friendships (very important) and if he doesnt like it (none of your business or responsibility) he gets a proper and fitting consequence that may lead him to the bottom you talk of. Although, his bottom is nothing to do with you really we cant control it. A bottom cant really come when his bad behaviour has no consequences so do not shield him from the facts here. He is losing friendships and connections with people that's the fact and its perfectly just and right. You on the other hand must make sure you dont take his consequence as your own. I suggest you make another date with these people outwith the home and get that nice day you deserve.
Huge (((hugs))) El - I too love how you are leaning into the program and your recovery. What I've discovered in my own journey is no matter how much I want them to 'get it', reach bottom and recover, it's not my time frame that is important. My oldest returned home under the pretense of finishing school, etc. and has now decided after less than 3 months he wants to move out and be on his own. I have huge concerns about this - mostly for his children - yet I know anything I say will fall on deaf ears. I have been turning him over again and again and again and again and just keep praying for God's will in his life.
He's blamed me, his father, his brother, his baby-momma, etc. for all that's wrong in his life. He points out all that is wrong with everyone but him. He's very, very negative to be around and this is spring break - I instead am working hard to make plans....as being around him in this state brings out the worst parts of me.
Only because of this program can I take this one moment at a time. I love my son but I despise this darn disease. It's so demanding, destructive and devastating. We do recover and can recover because we have this program with so many things to try/do/read/act with. Yet - when the disease is rising up, it's a lot to contend with.
I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. For me, when I feel the anxiety starting to rise up, I do practice breathing - just breathing while I am in a pause pattern. I know from past experience that nothing I say will matter for him, to him and instead, I just try as best I can to be present in the moment and stay aligned with HP and his will.
Keep coming back - as much as needed - we're here as best we can be!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you ladies for your responses filled with ESH! It is so amazing to think that we can connect around the country and world! Love it!
I feel better today.....I think everything feels a little worse at 3:00 in the morning. I have given my AH up to HP and have proceeded through my day.
He did bring up his sister's behavior yesterday....implying it was ALL her fault. I very calmly stated that everyone needs to look at their role in an argument. She wasn't arguing with herself. He semi-acknowledged his part in it, but followed it up with his reasons. LOL. I did not engage further.
Anyway, I made myself scarce this morning. I had some errands to run and then treated myself to a little window shopping and a couple of light purchases in my favorite store. I have things to do today that will keep my out of the same room as hubby......need a little space.
Again, thank you for your helpful shares. The other good news is that I will probably sleep great tonight due to lack of sleep last night!
GFU!!!! :) YES .. I bet you do sleep better tonight if nothing else from being exhausted from last night!! This is what I love about the program is being able to take a step back and say is it really this or is it really that and I just think it's this.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree - GFU!!! I also agree that everything feels worse at 3am - I don't sleep easy or long but when it's affected or disrupted, my brain tends to overdo almost anything and everything! Glad that today was better and you did some self-care! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What an amazing and graceful example you are. Acknowledging the 3 AM effect was pure wisdom. Reading you just blooming into your new day of positivity was inspiring. I'm going to remember this as the start to finish example to live by when times get tough. Love the way you owned your new day. This too shall pass - is so real. (((hugs)))
