Hello All!

I am where I thought I would never be again. On the Merry-go-round. Again. Even though I have a lot of venting to do, this post will be some history. Six years ago I found out my H was a meth addict. Fun. The 3 years prior was so hellish, that I was planning on leaving him with my then 10 year-old son. Then I found the baggie and knew why our lives had become so chaotic. Why I hated him... why I dreamed of him dying. Every. Damn. Night.

Instead of leaving, I enlisted the help of his and my family & they confronted him a la Intervention-style, while my son and I left the house. He spent 90 days in rehab. During that time I went to many meetings... both Narc-anon and Al-anon. I joined this forum. While he was jumping fences and begging me to come home, I had to apply for state aid and file a DA's report. You see, he had run through our entire life savings. I had nothing. But I did have a job and supportive family. I also had meetings. People who knew the embarrassment of what I was going through. After 90 days was up, I did not let my RA back into the house. I was not ready. But because of the program, I did not divorce him - even though I still wanted to. He continued to work his program, and I mine. Because my son was young, after 60 days, I decided to let him move back in. Besides, he was doing really well, and I had a glimmer of hope for us as a couple. Well that lasted about a year. Then he stopped working his program b/c "All that reminds me of the worst time of my life."  In the back of my mind I felt that the shoe was going to drop... it was only a matter of time.

As it turned out, we spent the next 5 yrs. in a decent place. Whenever I had doubts, I would test him (per his request) and it would always come back negative. However I noticed that I had begun to "complain" of "addict behaviors." Old behaviors that not only I did not love about him, but that made me question my love for him. Then he began to get ill. For quite a while, he wouldn't go to the doctor because he feared he may have cancer. Crazy thinking, right? Finally, he was too ill to spend a whole day at work. He complained all day when at home. He finally took my advice and went to the doctor. After thousands of dollars in tests, he was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, and fatty-liver disease. What? He was told to lose weight, go on a FODMAP diet, take probiotics and oh yea, quit drinking. What? Who? That is when I first found out that his health problems were due to drinking. However, he told the doctor and myself that he "just drank heavily for about 6 months, b/c he was suffering from depression after the death of his father." "I can stop at any time, and certainly this health scare is telling me it is time." So the doctor put him on an antidepressant, and scheduled follow-up appointments and tests. 

Fast-forward 6 months and I just recently found out that my H is not only avoiding going to his follow-up appointments & not taking his meds regularly, but oh yea, he comes home and passes out almost every night! Believe me, I have thought something was up for months now, but each time I bring up alcohol use, he gets angry and uses my distrust as a weapon against me... "You should be working your program"... or "You never allow me to be recovered!" Or my favorite... "You are just crazy!" His favorite line to me when he was spinning from too much Meth. One night I came home from work to find him passed out on our bed, his pants wet with urine, and a half-empty bottle of vodka next to him. I have been away from meetings for quite a while... I thought I was free. How wrong I was! After an angry confrontation, he finally admitted that he was an alcoholic and was so ashamed that he was going to have to start over with recovery.

Well, I used what I learned from my first go-round with Al-anon and waited until the next day when he was sober to remind him of the boundaries I set 6 years ago. That if he wanted this marriage, he would have to attend meetings. Unfortunately, we have NEVER recovered financially from the first time, so we live paycheck to paycheck. No savings to speak of. I thought that perhaps he could use his sick-time and 2 weeks of paid vacation to attend a rehab facility... that's when he told me that he used all his time last month trying to get over the withdrawals on his own. Because of our odd work hours, I never knew that he took this time off. He hid it well. He is too afraid to use the alcohol program at work... not to mention we don't know how we would manage all the debt we have (and the rent) without his pay. I work part-time at minimum wage. So after some time lingering on these boards reading, I decided that I will focus on detaching and getting back to F2F meetings and my AH can stay in the house as long as he is attending meetings and there is no more passed-out nights.

I am not perfect in my detaching... I do dream of him having a massive heart attack & dying. Almost nightly. I do get pissed off when he talks about "getting my best friend back," but as of 3 weeks into this revelation has only attended one meeting! He hates that I seem so distant... but I cannot detach with love right now. I feel no love for him. I am just trying not to let the anger I feel get the best of me.