The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Frustrating! Living with an active A, is to, say the least, and polietly, frustrating. I try so hard to practice the pause, before I say things I normally would. Even when he is dry, I pause before I respond to something completely stupid he has said. Like last night, we had been having a decent conversation about an event he been working at. He made a comment about an indivual who was taking advantage of someone else paying for drinks. And how drunk this person was getting. While I didn't respond........in my head I'm screeming......"you a$$!! You can talk trash about other people........hello you are one of them!" I know that it is his issue to deal with, how he views people, his thoughts etc. I need to let his words become just that.....words and not let he say get to me.
I'm still learning about detachment, it is hard when you are with my A way too much.
Last night when I was getting ready for bed, I discovered my A had wrecked my favorite bedding. It was a gift and super expensive. I finally had I bed that made me feel like I was staying in a 5 star resort! It made me so happy to snuggle up under the covers. I could go to bed "mad" and still feel cozy! He wrecked it!! (insert all the swears here........I was that mad) When I seen the burn hole from his cigarette that he had dropped while drunk in bed one night........I yelled "are you bleeping kidding me".....from the living room he replied "what" I didn't respond. He could see me though. I closed the door rather harshly. And went to bed. He slept on the couch. So now do I leave the blanket on the bed? If I take it away, it won't get wrecked more. He will know why I took it, good! But that's a more out of spite. If I leave it, I will worry everytime he is drinking. I gut tells me to take it away, don't care what he thinks, I will feel better knowing he can't completely wreck it. Yes I know it's just a silly blanket.....it's material. For me, it's the resp
I'm more angry at myself now. How could I have been so stupid to think he would respect my wishes to be careful. I knew he had wrecked other bedding in past in the same manner. What I was thinking. I just wanted my bedroom to be my cozy place. To do that, clearly it can't be with him.
I've decided to move out of the bedroom. I have a spare room. That will become my space. It has alot of damage that needs to be repaired. He doesn't fix anything. So that will be my job. I can repair drywall. Replace flooring. It will be myspace. I'm angry that has come to this. I'm angry that he leaves things that are broken. Don't look he says, you would see them. Whatever...........have some pride you jack!!
The more I type the more upset I get. I'm suppose to let this all go. It's in the past, it has already happend. Can't change it. It's doesn't make it go away. It's still there. I go into my room I will see the blanket he burnt. I go into my new room.........the work that I now have to do........is there. How do I not think about it.
One day I will get there. Today is just going to take some a lot of work.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Some days are much harder than others. Thank you for trusting us enough to share.
You seem to have the right tools in you Al-anon bag and I see you trying you best to use them. Keep trying, you will learn and you will grow. As they say, Progress not Perfection.
I can't tell you how to best deal with your wrecked bedding. My first thought is to leave it, enjoy what is left if it for now knowing that he will probably ruin it or the next set more. But if leaving it will be at the cost if your serenity then that would not be good. I guess this is where a pause will be needed. Nothing needs to be done about it right away, (unless it is still smoldering, ha ha) so let your HP have this for a bit and maybe the answer will come to you.
Fixing the other room to be your safe, private space sounds like a great idea. You can feel good about your accomplishment and then have a place just for you. A place to walk away to and find lost serenity. I once had a place like that, but prior to my learning the tools of Al-anon, I made the mistake of sharing that space, and now it is no longer mine.
Good luck with finding your serenity today. We are here for you and will gladly hold you hand as you grow with us.
Rick
Hi Curlyblu, I just want to share that I also moved into a spare bedroom and fixed it up nicely for me, when the chaos of my late AH's disease got to be too much. It was very satisfying to do the work. I put a lovely picture on the wall and got some nice baskets to hold my clothes. Gradually I moved all my necessities there, and I used that room for two years.
Honestly, I felt angry and ashamed that I had to make that move, that I couldn't really enjoy the rest of our home, and that others might find out how bad things were and that I couldn't cure the situation all by myself.
But I can see now that it was the wisest thing I could do for myself at the time. It gave me physical detachment, and then I could work towards mental/spiritual detachment.
You are not alone ... enjoy and celebrate your new space!
Hugs .. Do you really think living with another human being regardless of addiction status no one gets mad? Or angry? Lol .. You are human .. feelings are not facts they just are .. You will do more damage stuffing feelings than safely letting them out. Now where you respond/react is different .. You have a great idea doing something for you. That's a great positive step. How wonderfully motivating to do something for you. I remember my x never treated anything I had or gave him for that matter with respect .. I stopped giving him things that were a lot of money .. Some people might think how mean however why would I continue to flush money down the drain. I would get him nice things usually pre owned .. Anything electronic .. Anything I knew would have a shelf life of less that 6 months and should be much longer. He didn't care and I couldn't make him. Hugs .. Keep coming back
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi (((Curly Blue))) Have had those days when I am just crabby and I find that I just need some alone time activities to get involved in until I have a change in attitude. When in this frame of mind I don't even like being around myself. Your idea of making a serenity room for yourself sounds great. Know I'd be putting a pretty flower or patch on that blanket and take it to my new peaceful space. Projects seem to refresh the mindset. Keep Coming back:)
Thanks ((all)) I got a start on fixing the hole in the wall. It's not the prettiest job ever.....I'm not quiet ready to come a professional drywaller lol! But I did it myself. I've started a plan for that room. It's going to be a work in progress........ha just like me!
It feels good to have something I can focus on. Something that is for me.
I did take my prized blanket away. I'm going to dress the bed in my room. Although I won't be living in there just yet, I know it will be safe and in my space. I put back on his bed a blanket he bought me when we were dating many years ago. He has wrecked that one too. Although it reminds me of time in our lives that was better. That man gave it to me is gone. It hurts like hell to think that, but it is the fact of life that I am in.
It's very strange feeling to love someone, but not to like them. It most definately hurts.
Thank-you again everyone for letting me rant. I'm finding just putting my thoughts down into a post helps a great deal sort out some of jumbled mess twisting around in my brain. On line meetings also help alot too.
Have a great day all!
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Curly - these situations are so frustrating but I love that you found an answer that works for you! The Serenity Prayer is so very helpful when my frustration is building....it helps me remember that I am powerless over others yet can find solutions for me when I focus on what I can do/change...
Good to here you are working on a 'special place' - it does help to have a me place to escape to....(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Curly))I do hear you and understand. Many years ago my hubby burned coaches, chairs etc and I simply ignored it. He would also smoke in bed and one night I woke up with the entire bed on fire nearly engulfing both of us. I could not wake him up, so I, was successful in putting out the fire (so I thought) and went back to sleep only to have the fire flare up again within an hour so . The fire department had to be called who explained that mattress fires are extremely dangerous and that smoking in bed the cause for many deaths.
I am sorry to read about your lovely blanket and am cheering you on to finish that room
I was thinking along these lines too when I read this. A house fire might be the most important thing to think about because even if your in your own room without him, its not really dealing with the greater risk here. Maybe a smoke alarm outside the room if he insists in smoking in bed.
Believe me, the thought of a house fire has played on my brain for years. I had confronted him many many times about it. Even when he was "dry", his respect for me or our home was nil. "Well that'll teach ya for getting a new comforter, the other one was just fine." or "Well I know which side of blanket is mine"
At one point in time I had even told him how much I worry while I'm at work and he is smoking in bed. How fair is that to me, that I worry constantly he is going to burn the house down! I have even changed my work schedule so I can be around more at a decent time. That doesn't take away my worry, but at least the kids are awake.
I've thought about my new room, and the fact he will continue to smoke in his. It's HIS house, no one can HIM what to do.
I think for that very reason, I won't fully be able to move out. I'll at least have a place to go when I need peace.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
