My entire life Ive clung to illusions that if I worked really hard, dreamed BIG, expected more of myself somehow I wouldnt end up like my family. For the last several years, my career and recovery have been my identity, not to mention the adversity Ive experienced in the midst, with the loss of the youngest brother to suicide, my dads stroke, job loss and grandmothers sudden passing (she lived with us for 14 years), and break-up with a co-dependent.ion to feel s**y my work the way I present myself. 

My family hardly speaks about my brother, Erik. He was a Marine vet who struggled with PTSD and coped with alcohol. We knew he had a problem, but he refused help. The night he took his own life, he was highly intoxicated and for the first year I experienced unimaginable grief (blame and guilt). I was able to make amends with my god as I understood him and turned towards acceptance in time.

My life has dramatically changed in the last two years. I decided to accept a position outside of my comfort zone in production TV and entertainment. I dont remember when positive attitude authentic, compassionate self shifted to lack of trust, anger, and resent. I was working with someone closely during this time who I felt was sabotaging ability to do my job. She hid documents from me, phone numbers that I needed to connect with people, various types of communication, etc. When I would kindly email/ ask for things I needed to be successful in my position, she would forget or ignore me. Since my position involved real-time results, I would often miss opportunities to make deadlines because I wasnt receiving communication in a timely manner.

After the runaround for a few months,  I decided to take action and contacted the production office to add my email address to the distribution lists. When she found out, she contacted me immediately and accused of being too eager. She also said I smiled too much and that I was too happy. When I made a suggestion, it was good, but not good enough. Finally, she did something so cruel that I decided I couldn't trust her and kept her at arms length, while working independently, after I spoke to my boss (after he had been clued in the entire time).

She texted me immediately how terrible she felt and I left it very simple with her. I always remained kind and courteous towards her. For the rest of the production season, I detached from her and was able to accomplish amazing results. When she  went on hiatus for three months and I was still working with the team remotely.

 I was producing assets and made tons of progress working remotely. The day before I was going back to set, I received a call from my boss that I was being fired because I had crossed a boundary with someone I worked with and they didnt feel comfortable working with me. 

Alarmed and confused, I stepped back for a second and asked if he could please provide me with any insights to the boundary I had crossed. If there was one, I wasnt aware of anything I did to affect a professional relationship. But he told me he had no other insights and offered me a compensation package.

That was in August 2016 its now March 2017. Usually I am able to bounce back bring myself into a resilient mindset. For some reason, Ive had the most difficult time forgiving everyone involved in this situation. I want to be able to see that sometimes it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with other people involved. Thats what I want to believe because I do radiate kindness. Not because other people are always kind to me, but because one act of kindness has a ripple effect.

I used to believe my presence could change the temperature in the room. My smile could brighten up someones day it could give you hope. Now I feel like Ive let one person distort my mindset. Ive let someone give me permission to feel sh**y my work the way I present myself. And when was being eager a bad thing? When was smiling a bad trait? Don't answer that.

And, there arent even facts to back up that I crossed a boundary. So, why do I feel so powerless? I am allowing someone to bully me and tell me my self-worth.

Guess its time to detach myself from other peoples actions and words. Otherwise if I choose to I can be defined my entire life by own personal series of attacks. I can let it discount my talents and go my whole life thinking I offended someone, or Im fat, or too eager, too organized, too happy, etc.

Thank you for letting me share! 

-- Edited by msjuliet on Friday 17th of March 2017 12:07:39 AM