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I made mention in the daily thread that today is my baby's birthday. He's now 23 years old. I had also mentioned that he was to come over for dinner. I did go about my day - meeting, grocery store, and then back home to cook.
As it happens with us, I had a nudge most of last evening and a bit this morning about 'it' as we were discussing the logistics and he went silent. He picked what he wanted me to cook and when I asked what a good time would be, he went silent.
I carried on 'acting as if' we would dine together, have cake together with ice cream, etc. One, just one evening of 'normal'....that's kind of what I had hoped for, yet there was a nagging 'nudge' at me to stay present. I had sent one quick text before sleeping about a time, sent a birthday wish text this morning about the time and then let it go...
About 5:15pm, we decided it was time to eat and he wasn't going to respond/show. I did choke down some food but it was hard because I was also choking down tears. I'm super private and certainly am selective whom I cry in front of...my 3 immediate family members do not respond well when I cry - they either freak out and smother me or they suggest it's manipulative/drama-making....and I don't cry often so when it happens, I can guarantee it's not at all about drama - it's all about release.
Needless to say, he resurfaced about 5:45pm suggesting he'd just plugged his phone in. When I suggested we had gotten hungry and thought he found other plans, he got very upset and said some things that hurt badly - disease talk or not. So - back to step one I go....I love my son to the moon and back but I truly, truly hate this disease. Why in the world does a simple birthday dinner have to become so darned complicated? It's the disease....it's got to be.
I am one who tries to hold on to hope. These are my children, my own flesh and blood. This disease took 2 sweet, loving and lovable boys and turned them into selfish, self-centered adult men with childish brains/emotions who resent me to no end because I've interfered in their disease, fun, etc. Just for today, I feel like a bad mom who wants to run away from her child/ren.
I am powerless over this disease and how it manifests in those I love. I am sad, so very sad for how this day turned out. In my own crazy brain, a part of me feels I deserve the disappointment because I 'planned' an event. I know where my peace is - God's got this - my son's text messages were so 'off' that I did not have any response to send...he kept baiting no matter what I said and would not pick up the phone.
So - tonight was the birthday dinner for my baby - that wasn't. I am sad, and that's OK. I've got some plans for tomorrow that include my friend who's sick coming to town for a Doctor appointment. I'm going to surprise her at her appointment with donuts - her favorite. The baby boys are coming for a sleep-over and I've got softball tomorrow night. I will heal and move on, just gotta get through 'this emotional mess' of disappointment.
Thanks to all who wished me well - please send prayers for me and my boy(s)...I know God listens!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh, reading this made me so sad, IAM. I am sorry for your pain and how this disease robs a person of their true self. Although you had a nudge, you still had hope as any mother would.
The good news is you have positive plans for tomorrow, so as not to dwell.
Thank you for sharing this story with us; your thought process; how you used your al-anon tools. It only benefits the rest of us, but again, I'm sorry it didn't work out for all of you.
((IAM)) I can identify . Sending warm thoughts and prayers over to you. Remember you are a loving kind, and generous mom. I am glad that you came here and connected.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:56:17 AM
One day those big babies will so get it. How loved they were and how taken for granted love can be. In the meantime, im sending you prayers of comfort to the mothers heart. I'd also rather like to eat all of your food!!! I just know you can cook. Hugs.
Thanks ladies - there is that persistent question in my brain....."What did I do so wrong that has them 'be' like this?" I know that's some crazy train thinking and I'm working to change it up.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh (((IAH))) so sorry that the birthday dinner didn't turn out as expected, know you were looking forward to it. Sometimes I feel our children believe that we are immune to pain and they can say and do anything. Then factor in alcoholism and everything is magnified and we find that " turning to the alcoholic for help and support is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" (ODAT). You are a thoughtful Mom, don't be too hard on yourself at least you understand it is the person you love and not the disease, just difficult to detach some days. Enjoy lunch with your friend
I can completely relate to the entire experience, only with my daughter last summer.
The only way I freed myself was to see myself reacting and being controlled again. and to stop taking it personally. Her ingratitude and her selfish behavior, it had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with her. a reflection of dis-ease in her brain which I do not have the power to cause, control, or cure.
On my side of the street, I had planned an entire event with heart absorbed in pure love and gratitude to God. from the looks of it, you did the same
(((IamHere))) Mom guilt. It's got to be the worst. It's hard not feel we did something wrong. But there comes a point where they are men and take responsibility for themselves.
I'm sorry it didn't work out but there will another time.
Praying for you that you turn it over to your HP. Which from the sounds of your busy day its seems you are doing just that!
Ugh, the disease......sometimes we just feel sad...To feel pain is to be human; having a spiritual program means we don't have to suffer. I feel pain for your sadness, but know you are in the hands of your higher power and program, and there is no better care.
Thank you for sharing this slice of real life and how AlAnon can help...thoughts and prayers to you and your boys...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks all - today is a better day and for that I am grateful.
As I felt anything I said last night would not be well received, I opted to go silent. I invited my HP for a PJ party and we slept pretty well! I did wake up and felt better about reaching out. I opted to just share that I love him, I am sorry it did not work out and I wished him well. Nothing more - nothing less.
Yes, my heart still hurts. Yes, my sanity is partially restored and the disease is still alive and well in my loved ones. However, I also know if I want to heal/deal and recover, I do best when I take action that is productive, healthy and forward-facing.
I truly appreciate the kind words and support. I love how we are able to lift each other up when life feels hard. Thank you, thank you - thank you all.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs IAM, .. I am so sorry .. I am very glad you took the opportunity to do what you needed to do to take care of your own needs. Those are the moments that are the hardest. Grateful to be sharing the journey of recovery with you.
Hugs again S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((iamhere)))) I'm sorry your son disappointed you. What came to mind is something I've heard in Alanon. He/She is not drinking at you, they are drinking because they're an alcoholic. We can say the same of the behaviors that accompany active drinking. It's not personal. It really has nothing to do with what kind of parent, sibling, grandparent, friend we are. Some of us got here by trying to be the best selves we imagined the alcoholic wanted us to be. I did. It was a truly out of body experience as if I was standing next to myself scrutinizing how to fix myself or make myself acceptable to someone with a jeckyl and hyde personality, a disease with no boundaries no ability to differeniate relationships - a disease that assigned value to relationships that paid off in alcohol or a means to alcohol. So, a drinking opportunity on an alcoholic's birthday would supercede any other celebration. It could be a reason for delaying a response, a commitment to come to mom's. It's not personal to your mother/son relationship. But of course, you know this. That doesn't mean the sadness about it all isn't felt just the same, that the frustration and the tears don't come just the same. Rationalization, reason for what's happening doesn't mean we don't feel. My hp seems to be the safest place sometimes to release everything when I'm among unrecovering people. And then there's the fellowship, people who understand. Thank goodness there is a safe place to get feelings out.
Your feelings of sadness are real. It's disappointing in itself to need to safeguard ourselves emotionally by keeping our expectations to a minimum. So you wanted to take a break from the misery. For a moment, for a day, I too have taken hopeful actions toward celebrating someone I love who isn't sober. My experience is that I've done it because something in me needed just needed to believe it could be different. It as if I'm ordering up some sanity because I need it for me. I have an overwhelming need at that time to "normalize" things.
I'm betting you took joy in the planning and preparation and the anticipation of seeing him. Maybe you thought about a lot of sweet things about your son (your baby) while preparing the meal. Those things have "joy" value and were part of celebrating his birthday too. I have to remind myself of that part of it when I make a choice like you made and realize I don't have control over the outcome. After being walloped with initial disappointment, I try to find what I can be grateful for in the situation. It can take a little time to get to that place however at least for me. I don't know, would a positive thing be that your son actually showed up? Maybe not in a way you might have hoped but you got to see him. I know this can feel like small compensation when you try to create and give something from love to someone and they show up and yell at you. ((hugs)))
It was a great lesson on your part in asserting boundaries concerning eating the meal as intended after all your planning and prep. You respected yourself and the work you did. Your son learned that birthday or not, he snoozes he loses, he gets to eat cold food. There are consequences. LOL you know it's always somebody else's fault OK so this is how he wants to spend his birthday using others as a scapegoat for his personal anger with himself and being a stinker. Oh well! We still get to love them while they don't love themselves. Acceptance, arghhh! Some days are easier than others. He's lucky to have you, incredibly lucky. I hope you enjoy your time with the babies, your friend and of course the donuts! You're in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing. I'm grateful you're here, for your wisdom and service. Wish I could give you a hug in person. Hang in there. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
IAMHERE. Sending you big hugs and my prayers and thoughts are with you. I am sorry you are hurting. I can understand why you are hurting too. Asking yourself what you did wrong to have them "be" like this is a normal parental reaction but remember the three Cs. You didn't cause it. I really think that the effort you put forth towards your baby's birthday was a wonderful expression of love. It sounds as though he didn't accept or appreciate that love and I'm sorry you are hurting. But he is loved by his mother and hopefully one day he will accept and appreciate that. In the meantime take care of you! HUGS!
I'm sorry IAM. ((((hugs)))) What a lovely birthday dinner and what a lovely loving mum you are! Keeping optimism and hope alive regardless of what others choose to do can be tough sometimes. But worth it, for us me-thinks!! You inspire me more than you know!! Sending more (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:56:36 AM
Ugh. The inconsistency, the lying, all when you are simply trying to help him celebrate. I guess he didn't feel the need to celebrate, so sorry. I hate this disease. hate it, hate it. But I'm glad we have found a place where we can get over hate and remember what love is all about.
You have inspired me and many others with your posts, so do know that, even if somehow you aren't getting through to your sons, you have made many other lives better with your attitude and ESH. I know that isn't enough from a mother's perspective, but hopefully it will do.
I have been reading this board for a while now but wanted to jump in & reply.
My husband has been sober for 26 years. However, I was a late bloomer to Alanon. We lived in a small town at the time, only 4 ladies in the local group, never mentioned getting a sponsor or working the steps; it was mainly just visiting. I quit after a couple of years, because silly me, I actually thought that he was the problem & he had quit drinking, & things were a lot better now! And they were! But I could have really benefited from the program as it would have saved me a lot of problems later on!
What brought me back to Alanon was adult children, who were 10 & 12 when their Dad quit drinking. i have been back in Alanon for 6 years now, working the steps with a sponsor. ( we live in a city now, so lots of meetings available!)
I truly believe God led me to Alanon & it has saved my sanity. I know all about Mom guilt, because I have had my share.
But I have learned that my adult children have had recovery modeled to them by their Dad for 26 years & me for 6, & they have chosen not to pick it up. Yet, anyway! There is always hope for tomorrow, though.
They are not addicted to drugs or alcohol; I would say more emotional issues & one poor choice after another, & then always blaming someone else for those choices. Especially Mom & Dad!
What I wanted to say to you, IAH, is you have been a true inspiration to me. I love your positive attitude. Your posts have helped me tremendously!
i wanted to let you know & brighten your day. Thank you so much for your shares.
(((MIP))) - thank you all for your shares. I am always inspired by what I 'hear' from others as it helps me heal to know I am not alone and 'not the only one'....when these types of things happen, my old patterns really battle me....I could feel the anxiety rising as the day continued yesterday and honestly I was first concerned there would be confrontation, manipulation, etc. It then switched to anxiety that he wasn't going to join us.
I know that you all understand how that happens and feels. Then, when we decided to just go ahead and eat before it got cold, I went through the motions as best I could. I came to write because the anxiety turned into crazy thinking and for me, writing does help with the processing.
I have to share because it's kind of funny to me - I made a mexican casserole that we enjoy for dinner and I made a birthday cake. Long story short - they were both in 9 x 13 glass pans. When I cleaned up, apparently I put the cake into the fridge and left the casserole on the counter...
So - I get an A for effort and a D for execution - but I got a huge chuckle out of it when I noticed in the middle of the night.
Your shares are all special to me - thank you all for your support and ESH.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Sis)))...that feels or felt sucky to me back when things went awry and I chose to look back to myself as the cause. I did that from habit (addiction) until the program reinforced with and in me that it was literally impossible for me to be that powerful over other people, places and things. It taught me to replace that habit with another better one. Feeling okay with powerlessness and acting as if I can allow things to not go my way while I went my way. I could mention honestly that the dinner was good and I enjoyed it even though not all who were expected were there. I then let it go rather than make these situations "all about me" ...that's impossible. My sponsorship worked me hard and often and I started to become the person I wanted to be.
Today I OGE rather than EGO (opposites) I Offer God Entry rather than Ease God Out.
Ask him if he would like to share some leftovers? ((((hugs))))
Thanks (((bro))) - spot on as always! I will admit - it was yummmmmmy!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Its so sad when its your children on the path of self destruction. I can get so sad about the hopes and plans and dreams I had for them when they were small. Then I listen to AA members shares on you tube and its so hopeful because a lot of the people sharing reach a really low bottom that I imagine the Mothers being in complete despair and forced to fully let go and then the miracle happens and they get into recovery and these people wow, the turn it around and live not just good lives but fantastic spiritual lives that without being affected by alcoholism might not have ever been gifted to them. There is always hope and Im glad you can turn it around back to gratitude pretty quickly.x
Thanks El-Cee.....I do agree that there is always hope - grateful that I learned that here as I did not arrive with hope in my vocabulary.
I agree that it's very, very hard to see this disease in our children. I've tried hard to see them as a child of God and no different than anybody I love with this disease, yet there is something 'there' that almost magnifies all the feelings - good and bad - when it's your own offspring.
God has got this and I am powerless!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I so appreciate all the shares and reminders that ours is a "spiritual" program and not one to further promote self and ego which is always what causes my suffering, all of it. These recovery reminders help me let go of the false belief that my kids are "mine" when I have no idea how to form a human being.
Al-anon helps me understand and accept that as a mother, I was merely the vehicle for these souls to come to this Earth and the purpose was not for "me" but for the Creator Himself, they belong to God. whether they believe they are on a spiritual path matters not because we all are... every one walking on this planet is on a spiritual path, even when we didn't realize it.
I love your reminder that God indeed has it all under control, and loving us all right where we are, giving every one of us the free will to come to Him when we are ready.... or stay attached to (our attachments, whatever they may be.)
I fully share your sadness when our loved ones.... or anyone... does not seek God as the ultimate ambition. But it is only by God's grace that we can now know the joy of it. I agree that it is painful to watch the suffering and be patient with them in their discomfort, all the while knowing there is a better way. but to mention that only seems to push them further away from me. the pain of powerlessness yet where the "wisdom to know" comes in.
How blessed I am to have benefitted from a powerful program suggestion of this visualization...... of lovingly wrapping up my babies (in their "blankie" of choice) and handing them over to God. Originally, I did it very tearfully.... so very lacking in trust that God was all the all powerful one and the source of love itself.
Al-anon impressed upon me that I am a spiritual being having a temporary human experience. Today I choose to see my children as God's instruments. They assist with pushing pushing pushing me....... toward God, the greatest ambition in life. and that helps me feel more grateful.
But whenever I forget as I often do, I pull out this bit of wisdom from Kahlil Gibran. Please take what you like and leave the rest. and enjoy the fact that there was a beautiful birthday dinner... for all who had the eyes to see it ((hugs))
BY KAHLIL GIBRAN
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 17th of March 2017 12:01:34 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 17th of March 2017 12:22:16 PM
Thanks 2HP - great wisdom in that share....much appreciated!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
OK so this is how he wants to spend his birthday using others as a scapegoat for his personal anger with himself and being a stinker. Oh well! We still get to love them while they don't love themselves. Acceptance, arghhh! Some days are easier than others. He's lucky to have you, incredibly lucky. I hope you enjoy your time with the babies, your friend and of course the donuts! You're in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing. I'm grateful you're here, for your wisdom and service. Wish I could give you a hug in person. Hang in there. TT
