The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My reaction to disappointment is improving and im becoming better at recognising my distorted thought processes and being able to see my part. I do however need time to sit with it process it discuss it with my sponsor or another alanon person and tweek out the truth of it. If I dont get this time I can be childish, I can react in anger or sulk or throw a bit of a tantrum.
Im getting better at seeing whats going on inside my mind whenever people do not behave as I have expected them to behave or in ways that I think they should. First I seem to feel hurt and take it personally. My thinking is kind of oh well I dont mean as much to them as I thought or Im not important to them the way I thought I was, then it can go along the lines of this is the way people treat me and I was wrong to let my guard down and let someone in. I see this is the victim in me and I can see it quicker and easier the more Im in program.
Ive got enough awareness to not act while these distorted thoughts are dominating me. I have got to acknowledge them and kind of validate them and then I can let them go but its this point in between thats dangerous for me because I get the whole feeling of wanting to end relationships or to run from them and I can become quite indifferent.
I also know that this is why Im in recovery and that I am making progress, I am changing and I dont need to indulge in the pity party or self hate through any negative self talk. Im working on allowing and accepting this part of myself without judgement and just knowing that this is a character defect that separates me or potentially separates me from others and from my higher power.
El-Cee - love your growth, share, awareness and action. Just for today, I am working on some detachment for a variety of reasons - most/all related to the disease and it's affects on me. I too am very grateful that we're all about process, and not perfection. Detaching for me seems to help me not take things so personally!! It's a process for sure!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi el-cee, I love your share. For me my fight or flight instincts can kick in when I'm faced with the unexpected much of the time. I too must pay close attention to my distorted thinking and recognize the patterns and feelings associated with them before I react inappropriately. I also try not to judge my character defects because I've found when I explore them more deeply that there is a positive and negative attribute to each of them. ((Hugs)) and thank you for sharing your journey.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
El-cee, love your share, unfortunately I am still at the point that I react and need to see my reaction before I realize I am falling back into my sad and horrible ways. The good news is that I recognize it, I just can't wait until the day that I catch myself before I act. I am the poster child of progress and still totally ignored by perfection. I am working it and posts like yours helps, again, thank you!
Practicing the pause is great to help with negative reactions. I usually get a bit disappointed because I am having a tense conversation with my A, and I will stop the conversation. Then not talk to him until both of us have come to terms with how to proceed next. It could be two hours we don't talk or two days. We did not ever learn how to have disagreements without arguing. So, it is the next step now that he is being releases from rehab.
I used to be very good at speaking calmly and with care, even in a disagreement. It wasn't until I let the addictions of another take control of my life that I learned the negative reactions that I now use far too often. As I find myself again, I will get back to the more calm and productive ways. I see that happening more each day.
This post hits home tonight. My expectations of coming home to a the least a dry drunk which in my mind would have provided me with a twisted sense of a normal life, has been setting me up to resent. Then I start the blame game in my head. Now what happens if I let go of the expectation of coming home to find him completely sober, that some how he will flip that magic switch and become the man he once was.........all without going through the process he needs to.....admitting......treatment.....nothing like having big expectations. I think I'm scared to.....if let all that go, I'm scared of the what is come. What God has planned for him. The things I can not controll. That could and very well mean my life will fall completely apart. In this insanity have I talked myself into believing my life is complete.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
There you go El-Cee...a tutorial share...I love it because it has ancient lessons and new stuff. I could hear my elder sponsors voice on this subject telling me "allow yourself to be surprised once and awhile and his question against my penchant for just knowing I was right, "Could you be wrong"? I love that one because my ego wants to just jump in and say NO!! and then fall down laughing. Today I'll kill the expectations and wait for the surprises. ((((hugs))))
My default is to think everything is about me too. Yet if you'd told me I was self centered before I would have said you were nuts. Ha! It is such a relief and a freedom now to be able to step back and say "this is not about me so I need do nothing". Life is a lot easier to navigate when I am not using every single thing in my path to hurt myself with. It's OK to step over the obstacles; I don't have to pick them up and beat myself over the head with them!!
