The material presented
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Has anyone else struggled with this concept? QTIP.....that's one of our Al Anon slogans and the one I struggle with the most!
So, yesterday, I finally passed my huge general securities licensing exam. After failing twice, I still hung in there and got an 80% yesterday. I was ecstatic. I was so ready to throw in the towel over the past month thinking that there's no way in hell I wanted to take it for a third time. A 6 hour exam.......three times??? You'd think I was a lunatic, lol.
Anyway, my bf came home yesterday and said something sarcastic and something he found funny. He often finds himself more humorous than I do. He came home and said, "So, how does it feel to not be a loser?"
Well, that set me off. If he had called me a failure, I would have been Ok, because yes I had failed. But, a loser? After all the crap I've been through and how hard I fought to keep at it? NOPE. I haven't lost until I'm dead and in the ground.
Anyway, I struck back and called him an ass and he got mad and I got mad and I told him that he better never use that adjective around me because I found it insensitive and uncalled for. He said it wasn't his intent and he apologized for his choice of words. And, I'm sitting here at 4 AM taking it personally and still being hurt by it, even though I know he doesn't actually think I'm a 'loser' nor do I think that, either. I can't seem to let it go.
The Saturday after I took my test for the second time about a month ago, he had thrown me a surprise party that was intended to celebrate my passing. So, he's not a complete jerk, fyi. He knows how hard I've worked and a few days ago he praised my efforts and my perseverance. So, please don't think the man is awful to me, lol. He just said something insensitive that he thought would be funny and I took it personal and I'm sitting here wondering if it's just me. How do we get past this at times? It's something I've struggled with all my life. I can handle strangers being mean to me, but when the people I'm close to say stupid things, I can't seem to let it go, even after they apologize.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
((Andromeda))) Good Job Congratulations on passsing and your perseverance.
I have found the best way to counter peoples' "Jokingly taking my inventory" is to validate myself immediately. In this instance I would have said I do not see myself as a loser I have been out of the work force for many years and faced this difficult challenge with grace and dignity I see that I exhibited determination, intelligence and a "can do spirit " and these are not the traits of a loser .
Good Job my friend
Congratulations!!!! What a wonderful accomplishment!
As to the reaction from your bf, well, it wasn't the most sensative or supportive, imo. My wife and I struggle with me being a rather serious person and taking things literally and personally, and her not understanding that her attempts at humor are hurtful sometimes. I have found that countering negative statements immediately (as Betty suggested), whether aloud or just silently to myself, helps me to understand that the negative statement is not true. Often, I will also say to my wife, "What you said hurt my feelings." because that lets her know the impact of her statement and allows her to clarify that she was trying to be funny and apologize if she wants. At other times, we've had conversations about humor, and what kinds of humor works for us. Granted, she has been sober for a year and a half now, and these conversations would have been impossible a year ago. Then, I just left it at "Wow, that really hurts. I have been ..." and countering the statement.
((hugs)) you did a wonderful job on the exam, and your persistence is admirable!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
First, congratulations, so happy for you! Way to hang in there and knock it out; that has to feel fantastic...
Second, it is crazy how words can affect us, and some more than others, even when the difference doesn't make rational sense. Thank you for sharing this story, as I have been on both sides of it, many times on his side. No, I certainly don't think he's awful, I have unleashed my sometimes odd sense of humor and attempts to open a topic on people I care for, with similar poor receptions.
It's a good reminder for me to watch what I say, especially when there is a lot of emotion around a topic or situation. When I've been on the receiving end, I found that a little time and space was needed, then a concerted effort to think about the person who spoke, recall their general lack of intent to harm. Then finally, I force my less serious side to laugh at myself a little...this can take some time, but it has worked
I know you will find your way through this, thank you for sharing this victory, so happy for your success
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
(((Andromeda))) - way to go girl, way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations on passing that hugely complex and difficult exam! You did it and I am so very proud of you....
As far as what followed - I often find when I am taking things personally and hurt is simmering below the surface, it is often about my expectations - especially of others. I can see where his words were cutting and unexpected - after all, he threw a party anticipating your success after the 2nd sitting so these 'words' were most likely shocking based on previous outcomes...
I hold on strongly to the concept of imperfect people living in an imperfect world. I am not good at constructively validating myself in the moment - I do better when I consider my words and feelings. For example, I did my son's laundry and it was all piled on the steps between first and second floor. Long story short, the next morning, he suggested that he almost fell down the steps because of that same laundry. My mind truly wanted to say, "Don't you mean I appreciate you washing my clothes mother?" Instead, I kept quiet until I could process and pray about it.
We all have our own view and perceptions about what is real. In my case, I did end up saying what I needed to say calmly - something along the lines of, "You are welcome for the clean clothes and if you want to purchase a basket, I'll put them in there instead." Even though he is my son and has known me his whole life, he has no idea of my internal baggage, nor should he. The reverse is true for me and him.
As I see your scenario, you know deep down he meant no harm. Only you can determine if it was the choice of wording or the attempt at humor or ..... There are times when something is said and it bothers me and I'm not entirely sure why. So, I will say exactly that - I am sure you did not intend to offend me, but I am uncomfortable/discouraged/offended/xxxxxx by what you said. I do know that when I react instead of respond, I tend to be defensive and put others in the same place. If I can back away from my non-factual feelings long enough to respond instead, I feel I am better heard.
Nothing I do or say will truly change another, but for each opportunity I get to validate my feelings and my worth in a constructive manner, I am 'teaching' others how to treat me. Your relationship with him is still so new that no matter the depths of your sharing, he and others will never truly understand what you've gone/been through. I am often reminded in moments like this to leave the past behind and not allow it to define me!
I'm seriously proud of you that you stayed with it and passed the exam! Celebrate sister - you deserve it big time!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your input. This AM I woke up feeling like I was run over by a truck. Just plum exhausted with a migraine and achey. My bf took care of me gently this AM before he left for work. I know he says things that are stupid. I'm not the best sometimes with what I say either. I love what Iamhere shared. Thinking about someone else's perceptions before I speak would keep me out of the argument zone or putting the other person on the defensive. I mean, I told him he hurt my feelings but it was more accusatory than about my feelings and how they were hurt. I just went after him, lol. He always seems to get caught off guard when I decide to unleash my anger.....probably because I don't really get that angry with him for the most part.
And, yes that exam was killer! Even though I had passed it back when I was 25, it seemed like so much more information was covered. I worked so hard and tried to retain so much information. I wish it hadn't taken me 3 tries, but obviously there was a lesson in all of this!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda congratulations on passing the exam...hate those things....lol Thank you for the memories of when and how I recovered from the personal hurts and stings that came with the addiction. I had a GREAT sponsor...Don T and he knew so many recovery tricks to give me and bring me back to sanity. When I complained of being slighted he use to go to the "sticks and stone can break your bones poem but words..." and then ask me..."So words can hurt you huh?" Of course the early answer was "Yes...but" and then came my new slogan "Don't React" and then later the therapist in me would engage them in a session they didn't ask for voluntarily. After a short while practicing the therapist position the slights stopped completely...how fun!!
Today I use the "progress not perfection" program reminder" and then do the best I can at the moment. Great share. (((hugs)))
Andromeda, I just want to congratulate you on your achievement. It took incredible perseverance. Many people would have just thrown in the towel and decided I guess this isn't hp's will for me. You have a lot more going for you than simply passing this test. You're up to a challenge and willing to keep going until you get what you want. Not everyone is.
I guess what I would share about your bf's manner of joking is that if it hurts you it hurts you. This is where you are at. You have a right to ask him not to makes these kinds of jokes. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being overly sensitive or if you wonder if you're overly sensitive. Would he really want to continue saying things that hurt you? It won't harm him to change what he can. It will only take attention away his jokes and put it back on you and what you are sharing with him. I'm betting he can do this if he wants to.
As far as how does it feel to be a loser?"
You wouldn't know.
(((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It was insensitive. It's the deeper issue. The ideal thing would be "I'm so proud of you! You struggled and came out on top!!" I know what you mean I think. It is a figurative punch in the gut when someone say the opposite of what you'd hope, especially when sensitivity is not their strong suit and something you've been challenged by all along.
I feel better today. Still have a lingering achey head for some reason but I have to start studying today for my combination securities law and state exam. I think I get 3 weeks to study for this one. Just another 3 hour test, a day in the life, you know?!! HAHA!
My ex used to accuse me of being too sensitive. My bf has never said that. He actually has praised my sensitivities in certain situations. He had already congratulated me via text and over the phone since he made it clear that he should be the first person I text when I got my results. This was just him being his sarcastic self when he walked in the door.
Also, right before he walked in, I had been on the phone with my mom and she was being emotional. I've only heard my mom cry once in my life and I've never actually seen her cry. She's always been my rock, you know, but she's dealing with something at home and it was making her tear up and that affected me. So, I hung up the phone and I was a mix of sad for my mom, happy for me, etc and he walks in with his casual humor. It was not well taken by me.
With my ex, if I had gotten upset about something like that. It would have been him being defensive for hours, blaming me for being so sensitive that I can't handle anything, accusing me of being the problem in the relationship and that I need to toughen up or whatever. With my bf, he just apologizes, says it wasn't his intent, asks me to not call him an ass again since he doesn't like that, and then hugs me tight afterwards. The man had been praising my efforts all this time so I know it was just him being insensitive. We all say things we can't take back.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Feel better soon girl - I'll send you some positive mo-jo for your studying and prep. for your next test....somehow, that subject of securities law and state made my head hurt....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think when I am exhausted, not feeling well and then to boot I have honestly done the best I could given your situation with the test .. girl .. that's probably not going to come from a place of gee this is going to be my best reaction to any situation.
Congrats this is a BIG deal and who cares it takes some attorney's 4 - 5x to pass the bar in California .. so that's not a big deal to need to take that test more than a couple of times.
UGH on the sickness it is going around .. I spent the last 36 hours in bed not moving and it was awesome to not move for that amount of time. Thank goodness the kids are older. My BF was a total champ and I got completely babied which was a nice change from what I am used to. My daughter came in last night changed the sheets on my bed so I could get a shower and not be concerned if I fell or needed help. It's just nice to be able to ask for help and have it be there .. these are important things.
Hope you feel better soon.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Congratulations on passing the exam!!! It sounds like that saying, "When you're going through hell, keep going!' You kept going!
And your bf's response would have ticked me off too. After a LOT of experience of all this, what I've found is that I should never say anything negative to anyone in jest - and similarly that I don't want people around me who do it to me. It feels bad even if it's a 'joke,' and then there are always those people who hide real criticism in the guise of a joke. I don't mean that your bf is one of them, but that if we get hardened to it, it kind opens the door for an atmosphere that lets other negative people do their negative thing. There's only so much of that that one really wants to deal with. I may have used up my share about twenty years ago...
I always feel better when it seems that the person really understands why I took offense at what they said. That gives me more assurance that it's not going to be a regular thing. I kinda wonder if your bf had something that he was irked at you about, that came out in that odd way. I remember reading someone, maybe it was relationship expert John Gottman who has done so much good work - but anyone someone found that one important indicator of whether a relationship will last is if the partners celebrated each other's successes. It was not just the absence of conflict, but whether they also paid attention and celebrated the good things. Your bf was all ready to do that last time - it's funny that he had such a different response this time. It does make me curious as to whether something was needling him and it kind of hijacked his sense of humor.
It was a really big and fabulous deal that you persevered and passed that horrible exam. I'm afraid your bf blew it bigtime. He sounds like a really good guy much of the time, but we all have our moments. I hope he recognizes that this was not his finest hour. It is really no wonder that you took some time recovering from having the wind taken out of your sails. I think not biting his head off was very restrained of you. But I also think taking some time to recover from his response was only natural. You were in the mood to celebrate and decompress, and things went a bit sideways.
I remember my wise old therapist talking about what to do when people say, 'Hey, can't you take a joke?' She said that she sometimes replied, 'Some days more than others. Today, not so much.'
Great job on the testing .. not sure if this is relatable but i have been realising something lately along the lines of 'confidence .. (ego ? at times ?) being raised through the effects anyway of alcohol(isms) and then really more so .. was reflecting one day on how they say one of the effects of alcoholism is to lower our 'sense of self worth (esteem) .. well growing up i used to relate self esteem to confidence but lately i have been thinking of those i used to view as the 'confident ones (most dominating ?) .. at times (strong personalities who would take no lip (on guard ?) .. anyway as i began recognizing this i see confidence wasn't 'perceived the same as self esteem .. esteem is or was related to worth .. confidence sometimes anyway was really 'more about someone else .. being stronger than; better or above than; winner ? when i see this i also see for the most part it wasn't 'really about 'bad people .. good 'hearted others more than likely but with simple .. adult-children confusion (isms) .. kinda think this is something that is easier seen 'through 'lots of step and soul searching .. would have never seen this without either .. but i am beginning to clearly see there is a difference anyway between confidence and esteem which confidence should really be more about believing in our own abilities .. we were all so raised on that ladder we learn to step down off of in alanon in order to form that circle we only continue to widen .. wish everyone were 'able to do so .. i see so many who could use the learning we grow here but at the end of the day doesn't matter what i see .. others have to see it for themselves and pretty much come to believe they need it .. cheers and again congrats ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Thursday 9th of March 2017 11:10:01 AM
Congratulations on passing your exam, throw yourself a party!
My reaction to being asked what he asked would have been "I know, right? I am no longer a loser!" probably because I would have made myself feel like the loser for not passing twice before and his commiseration with me, "yay, now you don't have to feel like a loser anymore," would have made me chuckle at myself and agree and then propose we go celebrate! But that's me and how I am, pretty smart alecky person am I.
It does make me wonder though, did you lament after previous failed attempt on what a loser you were, or how failing the test twice made you feel like a loser? I know that I would to myself if given the same situation.
Again - Good Job!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
