The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So grateful to attend a wonderful meeting this morning. There were some good examples of detaching with love and non-judgement. About how to simply not go to every fight or crisis we are invited to. I always thought I at least owed an RSVP--lol! But in Al-anon I learn I have choices and I don't owe explanations to others--I can be kind and have good strong boundaries. Takes lots of practice but I appreciate hearing people share specific examples of how they handled the loving detachment. Loving can mean an attitude of good will if love is not easy to muster or perhaps the INTENTION to have this attitude at some point in future growth will suffice.
I got a text from a loved one that could have earlier started some sort of text war, but I chose to take the higher road with it and simply answer the direct question within text but ignore the touchy stuff. The touchy stuff was bringing up some feelings of responsibility for the person's seeming over reaction to a reasonable question I had asked. It was completely my business to ask.(my over responsibility was just my knee jerk reaction--a feeling and not a fact--upon reflection and prayer I answered the text accordingly and in my time)
In order to have personal detachment around my thinking with it---I remembered the 4 p's: is this personal (my business), is this priority (has to be handled? and if so by when?), is this positive (how is my attitude with it? is there a positive idea I can put on it like a thing I am grateful for or an affirmation that good things could possibly come from this somehow in HP's plan) Is it present tense? (am I swelling on past around this or projecting the past onto this) I definitely had an internal adult child reaction from fearing chronic relapse in my early days and the insecurities that brought up, but using this tool took the sting out of that and put it in perspective---maybe that is a 5th p (do I have it in perspective)
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
Thank you for the share, luv, some really good info, and reminder of the importance and value of attending meetings! I, too, never saw an invitation I didn't accept, and wrote plenty of my own to others' functions. My alternative was complete detachment.
It is a great feeling when I am able to feel a change as I work my program, new thinking and tools in 'live' situations. Holding a positive perspective, focusing on gratitude, or enjoying the silence as I refrain from adding unnecessary, unkind, or overreaching comments allows so much more room for peace!
Thank you for sharing your ESH, keep up the good work
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Detachment in the beginning of my recovery meant I learned to stop enabling, beginning to accept my help was harmful and thinking before acting whenever I was presented with a situation to do for others what was not mine to do. In the beginning I had to stop and think about each and every move i made because I was so fear driven that every decision I made was about temporarily gaining relief from my fear. My help was not helping anyone else but me and only for a very short time and in the big picture that I couldn't see was actually prolonging the insanity. Then detaching is detaching from our own determination to be right, to get our own way. I believe for me immaturity has driven my desire to relentlessly pursue the life I believed I wanted and deserved. It seems to me detaching is about letting go of the tight grip we have of first the drinker then ourselves our own outdated faulty belief systems that hinder us from living a happy and joyful life.
(((luv123))) - lovely powerful share....I appreciate all that you wrote, and like Paul, am reminded of the power of messages in meetings as well as the power in fellowship - the 'we' aspect of this program. For so very long, I felt I was alone and had to solve world issues alone and loathed my inability to move forward. Detachment, meetings, program and all gave me the freedom to put me first, and keep working on me - so grateful.
Thank you for this great topic!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing that Luv. I have been reading it over and over as I come to the message board. Loving detachment is something I need to work on for myself. I am good at detaching but I might not be doing it lovingly all the time.
