The material presented
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Hi. I have a 24 year old daughter in detox and hoping to get her into rehab right after. She is extremely manipulative and I am her biggest enabler. She has bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder and says she drinks because of the anxiety even though she is on her klonopin. I need real help in setting and maintaining boundaries with her. She controls the house and I need it to stop. She has been there almost 2 days and called me 17 times already because she wants me to smuggle cigarettes in. I stopped answering the phone after speaking with her on the first three calls. Can anyone give me any advice on how to do a better job. I am exhausted and worn down and she knows this. I have to visit her tomorrow and not looking forward to it. I asked her dad to come with me because I just can't handle all of her demands. Any help will be extremely helpful. I can't even think anymore.
Welcome to the Family Suki and you are qualified to be here. We won't give you advise and will share our ESH Experience Strength and Hope with you. The first person I had to get straightened out in this powerful disease was myself and while my alcoholic/addict wife was manipulative and pushy I was the one that kept giving in over and over even while trying to do something different. I displayed the definition of insanity which is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. She needed me to stop and I didn't for lots of reasons especially because I wasn't using the support and suggestions given to me. It takes time to learn and practice the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups and there is no magic bullet. This is a life time disease and a fatal one who ever it touches.
Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that to find out where and when we will get together in your town and then come out as quickly as you can. Get to know the fellowship. Sit down and listen and join in and then practice, practice, practice.
Keep coming back here often and listen to the suggestions...we are family and all knw where you are at right now. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Suki. I am sorry for the turmoil you are going through right now. I have been there myself with my daughter. The best thing I did for myself was begin to listen to others who had walked this path before me and accept the three C's. I did not cause, cannot control or cure this disease. You mentioned that you have to visit her tomorrow. I remember dreading encounters with my daughter as I felt very very overwhelmed. I still do sometimes but now I know that I do not have to accept unacceptable treatment from anyone including my daughter. I have the choice to remove myself from these stressful situations when it becomes to much to bear and that is ok. It does not mean that I do not love her, It means that I also love and value myself enough to take care of me. This is a life long process of growth and change. You cannot do this alone and you do not have to. At alanon and here you will find the understanding and acceptance that was a lifesaver for me.
Thank you everyone. There is no reason except that she wants to see us and I said we would. I am trying to learn to say "I need to think about this'..or something instead of immediately saying yes. I dont know why I do this...probably to prevent her from relentlessly asking over and over. I told her yesterday I would see her today, and today came and I just.didnt want to sè her so i caed her and told her i would not be there. She threatened to leave, oh wel. Then she tried to guilt me by telling me she was in detox 'for me'. I told her I had to go and hung up. This past week was horrible and I decided to give myself a break.
That's really rough Suki. I definitely recommend face to face meetings as well as coming back here, you can find the support you need for dealing with people like this. And remember, "no" is a complete sentence!
Hey Suki - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I have 2 qualifiers who are my offspring, so truly can relate to your share. Before recovery, there were all kinds of things that I thought were my 'job' or my 'duty' as a momma. Attending Al-Anon meetings, practicing the program, leaning on others who came before me and working on me really helped me to draw boundaries that were logical and for self-protection vs. punishment.
Mine both can be very manipulative and I've learned that OSFA (One Size Fits All) doesn't always apply. My first simple boundaries were similar to:
1. I will not support violating any rules/guidelines - written or spoken.
2. I will not support violating any laws.
These 2 simple things helped me tons in the beginning and were difficult for mine to argue with. Even when they suggested I had before, my response was similar to - you are right - and that was wrong of me. I will no longer do that as it's unhealthy for me and you.
Pausing helps me, and what you suggested - "I need to think about this" are great responses. I also learned to say that badgering me does not speed up my processing or decision-making. Mine would come at me with 'rapid fire justifications' for their 'wants'. As I reflect, I fully understand why I felt at times like my head was spinning!
Another item that really helped me stay calm was One Day at a Time - when I visited in Detox or Treatment, and they'd project forward or I started to, the program reminded me to bring it back to the here/now and not project forward - positively or negatively.
My hope is you can find some Al-Anon meetings near you and attend. The local support of others who truly understood the disease and the diseased were so very important for my mental state in the beginning. (((Hugs))) - glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to visit her tomorrow and not looking forward to it.
Hi Suki,
Welcome. This is a really tough spot to be in. My advice would be to try and find a face to face meeting as soon as possible. These were the best source of support for me. Also, regarding your quote above. You don't have to do anything. Sometimes the best thing for our sanity is not to react. You actually don't have to make the choice to visit her. It may even be a wake up call for her if you don't take that action. Stay strong, look after yourself and your well being. An addict is going to manipulate and do what they want to do. You can't control her or make her want to get sober.
Hi Suki, I am sorry you are going through this. You can start working the 12 steps. The first one is, " We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. " I have a son who is bipolar, he does not drink or abuse any drugs. I am thankful for that but just going through his depression in the past has been so heart wrenching and caused me such anxiety because he was suicidal. He is more addicted to toxic people. I have found myself forever saving him, and financially bailing him out using what little money I have. I do not have very much of a life for myself except taking care of him and my grandson who he has joint custody of. Recently, I had to have his girlfriend arrested. I had to do a lot of soul searching because he was treating me really badly at the time, making my life a living hell because I had her arrested. Now, she is not allowed at my house and I am not subjected to their constant fighting. Since that time, things have changed and now they are not fighting and are concentrating on being good parents instead of being unhappy with each other. That has made my life a little bit more manageable. I have more sanity over the situation but I still have a lot of work to do. I wanted to write about this because sometimes we need to stick by something that is very hard for us to do in order to change the behaviors of those around us. Then hopefully our lives become more manageable. I do have other problems involving someone who is an alcoholic that brought me Alanon at this time. However, I think that working the 12 steps can benefit all areas of our lives though. I hope things calm down for you and your daughter progresses in her recovery.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 23rd of January 2017 11:45:07 AM
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 23rd of January 2017 12:03:59 PM
I have been through a rehab experience. Talk about boundary 101. It is pretty hard to deal with all the feelings that come up. The rehab experience I went through was not successful.
If you are exhausted it 8s pretty ok to take care of yourself. This week I spent two days in bed because I was so tired. Do you get that? You get to be sick too. You do t have to feel bad cc about taking the phone off the hook.
There is a lot of irony there in that there is such great skill the a' s have inmanipulating
For me one of my core defects is people pleasing. When I get right down to it people pleasing is what brings me so much trouble. It isn't always the alcoholic it's my insane desire to people please
You have the supposupport of This group. There is a great deal of experience here in boundary setting here.
You can try outscenario's
Personally I think going to a rehab is for some of us a great source of stress.
Be Nice to yourself put down the stick.
The other thing to remember is relapse is part of this disease. Some people relapse often. Some don't. The person I dealt within rehab relapsed. He is out there. Nothing changed nothing
That is very very hard to accept because he certainly had chances. Everyday he chooses alcohol/drugs. He never had any intention of getting sober.
Yesterday, it came to me that If your qualifier is in a rehab facility or hospital at least they are with professionals and safe. That they won't get worse in there and I could take that knowledge and get some peace of mind. That I could take a few days or a week for myself and not feel guilty.
