The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She gave AA a shot a few times and has been unsuccessful. Most recently relapsed just shy of 30 day and about to hit thirty days soon. this weekend she was to do bunch of step work and didnt because she was with me. I had no idea. we argued sunday night and the truth came out. she never told her sponsor she was back together with me. I just dont know how to handle this
should i leave
should she say something to her sponsor
i feel like she is lying to someone who really can help her an maybe cutting herself short by doing so
Hello James Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. You did not cause it , you cannot control it and cannot cure it. Living with this disease is extremely difficult so that many need a program of recovery of their own in order to recover from interacting with the insanity and rediscover their own self esteem and self worth Alanon is that program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to search them out and attend. Please keep coming back here as wel.l There is hope
Welcome to MIP James - glad you found us and glad that you posted and joined right in. The disease is larger than the substance, and in our side of recovery, Al-Anon, we learn that 1. We didn't cause 'it'., 2. We can't control 'it'., and 3. We can't cure 'it'. For me this means I keep my focus on me, and work to become the best version of me and allow others the dignity to live their life, make mistakes, have consequences, etc.
It's difficult to watch those we love be affected by the disease. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi James.
Al-anon is for you- a way for you to find happiness and peace regardless of what you alcoholic loved one chooses to do. Whether she works a program or stays sober- or how she goes about it doesn't need to be your concern or responsibility. Instead, I find that looking at the persons behavior and whether I feel happy and peaceful in their company is enough. Whether you choose to stay or go is entirely up to you, but making decisions based on how we think another person will react (for example, "if I leave him, he will realise what he has lost and get sober") rarely works out the way we want it to. People do what they want to do, and make changes when they are ready and not when we decide they "should" so we can cause ourselves a lot of needless distress and heartache by trying to influence them.
I hope you'll consider attending some meetings and keep coming back here
Glad you found us James. If you find what you read on this board helpful, maybe you'll choose to keep coming back for recovery with us. In person Alanon meetings can be helpful making decisions and better understanding and establishing healthy boundaries that honor ourselves and others. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I was talking to my mum yesterday, she is an alcoholic. She first started AA about 27 years ago, and has still not done the steps! As someone who has attended many meetings, that's really quite remarkable. She dodges, ducks and weaves around sponsors and hasn't had one for a coupla decades. I asked her why and she said she didn't know - that maybe she's lazy. It is much deeper than lazy. Sometimes the alcoholics we love avoid the steps, for all kinds of reasons, and all those reasons do make sense. If we could get a magical magnifying glass and look into their inner worlds, we would see a collection of memories, feelings, thoughts, concepts and beliefs that would help us understand. There is a complex web of underlying, unconscious programs running us all. It comes out as weird behavior and we, the ones who love them, come unstuck when we try to tapdance around the behaviors that come out of that convoluted inner world. We lose touch with our own inner worlds when we begin to revolve around what the alcoholic might need.
This conversation happened because mum was saying "I don't know why I relapsed, why did I do that?!" - whatever mum's internal block to recovering is, is more powerful than anything that's visible in the logical world.
The thing is, if she can never get into a space where she will do the steps, that is truly, totally OK. It's her life, and her right to live it the way it plays out. I'm powerless over it! It's actually not my business.
What's important for me is, to separate myself out from her. So if I'm in your situation I'm spending some quiet time with myself, first acknowledging and soothing the agitated pain I'm feeling, then getting honest with myself and being brave enough to get in touch with my truth. And if what feels right for me is to tell the sponsor, I do. If what my inner compass tells me to do is leave, I do. If you get involved with Alanon, you'll see what we mean when we talk about how much hope and recovery is available.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Your girlfriend has to decide how to handle her recovery that includes what she discusses with her sponsor. I have been to AA and know other people who have worked the program. There is something about emotional attachments because emotions can cause relapses. I cannot say if that is why your gf is doing that. In time she will have the right explanation for you as she works the steps and is comfortable with them. That is why there is Alanon for SOs. It is great that she is working the steps.
It is really hard to be with someone in recovery. Some people g Have incredible relationships with their sponsors. I think it is hard to let go when you have been the be all end all.for someone
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