The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have decided after this last battle to end my 6 year marriage. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to fight or discuss or just anything. I just don't want the battle. What have other people done? My first divorce was so bad that I think apart of my fear has to do with how bad will this one be. We have no kids together so this time it should be easier but the dread is crazy... I was thinking of telling him at the therapist office. any suggestion out there? Is it like a band aid that u should just rip off and think about the details later or should it be a slow process. What is easier for my child?
For me, I left with no plan b, just packed my clothes and my sons clothes and left. It got to the stage that anything that would happen was better than staying for me. It all worked out in the end, it wasnt easy, didnt get any easier either for a while but I dont regret it. I then phoned him and told him ive left but I was too full of fear to be honest and didnt completely end it so we lived apart but still a couple for around 3 yrs but I couldnt let him go completely until I was in Alanon 6 months then I had that dreaded conversation and told him. It was the right thing to do. I knew I wasn't ever getting back with him and he deserved to know. It was just done for me. He never took it very well at the beginning and he done the usual, got drunk a lot for a few months and by then Alanon had kicked in for me and my kids and everyone left him to it. He woke up one day and realised that he hadnt seen his kids for weeks and he was alone with his drink and he didnt like it and hes been sober in AA since.
Im not sure where you are in your program but it helped me do the right thing, the honest thing for me and in turn for him.
Someone very helpfully suggested that I allow myself to take the first step of saying I want a divorce and not pressure myself to have all the answers about how it will go. Knowing I didn't have to have the entire thing planned was a relief. I simply said, I want a divorce. I want to be on my own. I haven't talked to a lawyer. I will do my part to be fair and keep things respectful. We can talk more later after there's been time to process.
How did I get to this point? I was in doubt for several months. I've been in the program a little over a year. I knew I didn't want to act out of anger or wait for some disaster to prompt the big discussion. After prayer, letting go, marital and individual counseling I got to a point where I knew it was best for me to end the marriage. Neither of us has filed. We are talking about what to do with the house. I sleep in spare room. We get along fine. Probably would be better to live apart at this point, but the house is in my name, so I don't want to move out. Things are evolving.
I'm fortunate I have a grown child. She's aware of the issues and knows I've been unhappy.
As for any discussion, yes, no, I'll get back to you, uh-huh are all answers I've used. I haven't allowed myself to get hooked into the comments about my "radical" decision. My decision was carefully considered and makes sense to me. I don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). It's my right as a person to make choices I believe are best for me. Am I sad? Yes. Dealing with that with safe people. I'm also at peace and sleeping more comfortably than I have in months, if not years.
There's no right way to do this. Our choices have their own implications, and we take it one day at a time. HP has a plan I can't begin to imagine, and it's way better than mine. I have given this to him (several times a day, bc I keep taking it back, lol). I find a lot of wisdom here, in the literature, and at meetings. I wish you peaceful days.
-- Edited by Mcat54 on Thursday 19th of January 2017 07:25:49 PM
