The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My qualifier has been sober for several weeks now and has been very eager to point out that I am still struggling and unhappy even though he has stopped drinking. He has been in and out of the program for decades and occasionally likes to point out where my program needs work (thanks dear ....). We had been arguing about something he considered petty and told me I needed to check my expectations towards him because my deep seated resentments were making me miserable and causing our fights. I feel like he is gaslighting me honestly, but it made me wonder about resentments, expectations and boundaries.
We had dated for several years before he moved in. During this time he was sober but, i became aware of later, he had been cheating on me. Multiple times with multiple women including his daughter's mom. I broke things off but a few months later we agreed to keep trying and he agreed to fully commit and to move in. He moved in, picked up a morphine habit, cheated again, and drank heavily every day for months. During this time I also received angry mean messages from his daughter's mom making hurtful claims and Casting a lot of doubt and fear.
I have a lot of fears and a lot of resentments right now. I am afraid that by breaking things off I am making a mistake. i am afraid of the pain that follows. I'm afraid he is right and if I could just fix myself or drop some expectation, we would be happy. I'm afraid I will never be enough because I feel like I have never been enough in this relationship for him to commit and treat me with respect.
I resent that he cheated so many times. I resent the lack of boundaries he has with his ex and the relationship he asks me to take on with his daughter (love her like your own-which I do-but not too much or like this because it hurts her mom). I resent that he keeps things from me and lies to me. I resent that he seems to expect me to be okay with all of this.
Im really tired of being the resentful victim in this but my fears and my resentments seem pitted against each other.
i don't feel like expecting your partner to be honest and faithful is a ridiculous expectation. Its what I feel like I give and it's what I want in return. I hear of people in the program that let go of expectations and forced outcomes when it comes to infidelity and damaged relationships, and they manage to work through it. I Have been expecting myself to do that, which has turned into a resentment of its own.
ive heard it sais that resentments are external and boundaries are internal. That resentments come from expecting their behavior to change and boundaries are changing our behaviors.
I guess I am confused about what I own in this, how to keep perspevtive on my side of the street, and how/if I can set healthy boundaries when they are so deeply rooted in resentment.
i don't feel like expecting your partner to be honest and faithful is a ridiculous expectation. Its what I feel like I give and it's what I want in return.
I agree voodoo. I think that deciding the principles that you want to live your life by are very important. I found that holding on to resentments only hurt me. If I was going it remain in a relationship with the person then I needed to learn the lessons from the painful experiences, and let go of my anger because the resentment was only hurting me. Acceptance of life on life's terms is the key. I would draw my boundary as far as connecting with the child, and decide if I wanted to contiune an intimate relationship with someone that i do not trust. You are human and living in the moment and in the day focused on yourself will help
I think we set our boundaries according to individual preferences. I know that my partner has behaviors that would not be acceptable to other people but they are to me. Some things, like infidelity, are not OK for me but are for other people. Your expectations can be realistically based on what your partner is capable of, but I think you should have the right to decide where your boundaries are based on what you want and don't want in your life.
I found that as I learned to have solid boundaries and to defend them, my resentments eased. Forgiveness came a lot more easily when I was comfortable knowing that I had taken steps to prevent another person's behavior from harming me. What I learned from that was that a huge part of my resentment and inability to forgive came from the fact that i was just plain scared...and justifiably so...that the behavior was going to repeat and it was going to harm me over and over and over. It's very hard to forgive someone and move on when they are likely to hurt you again.
Once I felt secure in the knowledge that I could and would protect myself and remove myself from mistreatment by my qualifiers, the resentment eased a lot and I was able to engage in a much more positive way with people- regardless of what choices they were making. What I am trying to say is that I personally believe that working on you and your boundaries is the key to healing the resentment and moving forward. Resentment is natural when you've been hurt repeatedly; I think accepting it as a right and natural part of healing and listening to what it is telling you is pretty integral to the whole process. If anything it can help rather than hinder your ability to define your boundaries as it tells you what you can and cannot tolerate.
Hey Voo-doo - so sorry that the actions of your qualifier have hurt you deeply....It's so hard to consider where I would be or what I would have done IF my qualifier were not my husband....it's easy to assume I'd walk and not marry the mess I ended up with, but I honestly do not know.
I do know that I had deep, deep resentments and for me, until I worked the steps of this program and practiced ALL the principles in my life, they kept rebounding up and out. I was not able to truly forgive until I got 'me' to a different place. I was one who didn't forget anything, and struggled with real forgiveness before the program. I believe it's because I was placing others in front of me and my needs. In many situations, I had others as my higher power. My self-worth and self-esteem were so destroyed that I sought approval often/always from others, who in the end, let me down as they are also imperfect humans.
So - there is no shame in loving an alcoholic. There is no shame in forgiving anyone - as the act of forgiveness sets us free - not them. As my sanity has returned in stages, I now know that I am worthy of self-respect and respect from others. It's taken a long while, but I've retrained my qualifiers as to how to treat me if they want me in their lives. It's far from perfect and there's always room for improvement, but I truly believe it's in the efforts of this program that I've found the growth, peace and joy that I have today.
One key concept that my sponsor drilled into me is I had to stop trying to figure out why others did/said/acted as they did. That just held me hostage again to another's actions/words/deeds. If I instead simply looked at the facts, validated my feelings, put me first and responded maturely, things worked out so much better. At times, the right/mature response was way harder than the alternative but the alternative often prolonged the right next step.
Focus on just today and just you. Lean into the program and the answers will come. I've heard this to be true, seen it to happen and have experienced it in my life. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Cart before horse springs to mind. Those are expected resentments to me. And it's all very enmeshed. Where do I begin and end in all this is a question i asked myself and this is a part of step work and recovery influences. Robert Burney is a handy resource to read free, he wrote: codepence, the dance of wounded souls. I love his work.
In my own experience, it came down to expecting bread from the hardware store. I had to take a real look at me and he and me again. It is an ongoing thing. Infidelity....remember, it's not about you. Its not in any way something about you that is responsible for his actions. I felt free once that sunk in for me
Keep coming back.
