Hard question. Best suggestion i can make is to dive into alanon. Me, i don't like to lie to my kids but when im angry or sad or off kilter my explanations can lack compassion
And sensitivity to the childs world view. Meetings always calm me down.

I try hard to shield them from seeing it and when anyone's under the influence i tell them to stay away from the person because the persons been drinking and drunk people aren't safe. Their minds don't work properly which is why they keep drinking and acting weird .That is probably crap parenting 101, i really don't know. We don't know any Normal drinkers, not sure if i even believe in normal drinkers. I also have in my mind that if alcoholism is genetic, my kids are at risk. So im trying to instil what I've learned and wish i knew which is that alcohol is a mind and mood altering drug, a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. My family definitely metabalise alcohol badly both on the white side and the island side. I guess it is a health issue for me that they're entitled to know about while trying not to ler them get emotionally messed up growing up with alcoholic parentage. Hard sometimes.
Keep coming back!

Hi!

I'm in Alanon because I was in your kids' position.

I don't know what it's like to be in your position, it must be very hard.

Know that if your husband, their father, is an alcoholic, this will never be just one conversation. You will talk about it with your kids many more times over the years as the situation progresses.

Also know that all of you living together, is an ongoing conversation without words. Every moment you are telling your kids what is happening, what life is all about, what your husband's drinking means. Kids are soaking in our subtleties, body language, micro-facial expressions, the emotional tone of the house. Kids are incredibly, wonderfully perceptive and astute, even if they're not saying much about it. They are taking their cues from you, as to how to feel about their dad and how to respond, how to cope and what to do.

There are a lot of dynamics, predictable dynamics, which develop within alcoholic families. Children tend to take on roles - one might become the rescuer/controller, one might become the scapegoat, etc. There's a lot of literature about it, often designed to help heal the broken adults who grew up in alcoholic homes. You can definitely prevent this from breaking your kids. You just need the right knowledge. The dynamics only happen when the whole family goes insane from the disease, which always happens if the family members don't have the right knowledge.

My mother and father are both alcoholics, my mother began AA when I was about 7. From then on, when she was in a sober patch, she told me:

"I am allergic to alcohol, when I start I can't stop"
"It's never your fault that I drink"
"I don't know how to get better but I will keep trying"

However, she and the adults around me ACTED contrary to that. And the words meant very little. It was what actually happened that informed me as a child. Words are very empty.

So, I echo the others. Seriously, go to Alanon. Let it soak through you and transform you. It will empower you and bring you peace, and you will model and communicate that to your kids. Then, I promise you, you will be in the best possible position to guide yourself and your kids through this, now and in the longterm.

There's also Alateen literature which may give you insight into what they might need.

But I guess what you would be saying to them in the meantime, in an age-appropriate way with words that suit their personalities, is that some people can drink alcohol and just have a few drinks and a good time and leave it at that, and some people have a disease which makes them feel like they have to keep drinking and drinking and drinking all the time. Daddy has that disease and that's why he drinks so much beer, and he feels grumpy when we ask him about it because he feels confused/ashamed/scared about it. Nobody really knows why some people have that disease and some don't. Daddy and I both love you very much. Then reassure them with whatever your plan is moving ahead.

I don't think there is any way to describe alcoholism to your children in front of your husband, without eliciting a defensive or angry response from him. That would only happen in unicorn world. If you were going to have a discussion about alcoholism in front of him, he'd want you to deny it.

I think it would be great to have a parent that is a part of the Alanon program. I grew up in an alcoholic family, my father drank. We were brought up to not question his drinking, as if it was normal. As it progressed our lives had unmanageable moments, and that was treated as normal too. I can imagine that if my mother had gone to Alanon she would have learned to detach herself from the alcoholism. Which would have allowed her to be a better self, and a better parent. I was lucky that I did meet my ex-bf until after my son was an adult. There were still problems and I had to work very hard to have peace in my home and be my best self.