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My gf is recently sober (October '16). Long story short, her binge drinking had gotten to the point where I was out the door. She called me from her first AA meeting, so I decided to give her one last shot.
I have not had a single drink in front of her, even in social gatherings with other people, in order to be supportive of her sobriety. I can count on one hand the number of drinks I have had since she became sober. Last night, she accused me of making false promises to her since I am still having the occasional drink with friends when I told her I'd quit drinking with her, that I run off every chance I get to go drink. a) I have stopped drinking with her and b) she stated multiple times that she didn't need or want me to to that, going as far as offering to get me drinks when we've been out. She's said that I haven't been supportive because I haven't stopped drinking 100% now that she has. Right now she's not even in the same country as I am, and she got upset that I went out last night to have dinner a cocktail with some friends.
Am I out of line here? Is it unreasonable to think that I can have a drink or two a couple times a month with friends, especially if I'm willing to forgo that when she's with me? Did some reading on King Baby Syndrome tonight, and yeah, sounds awfully familiar.
Welcome Nanda Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. You and I and others are completely powerless over this disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Your drinking or not drinking is a choice that is up to you and no matter what is not a measure of her recovery. She is an individual who must act in her own best interest and not look about to blaming others for their behavior.
I stopped drinking when my hubby found AA because it felt like right thing to do- my family did not and every time we visited they offered him beer or scotch or gin as soon as we entered . He always refused graciously and I did not explode on them.
Please search out alanon face to face meeting held in most communities and attend. It is here i recevied the support and understanding to move forward and live life on life's terms.
I do have some familiarity with alcoholism d/t family history and working in the medical field. This is my first time dealing with it as an intimate partner though. While I understand that my drinking will always be my choice and not be the reason for her success or not, I guess I am seeking opinions on whether I am being supportive enough in "only" not drinking when she's present- again whether it's just us, a family function, or social function, I have not, and for the time being I'm willing to continue that since she is so new into her sobriety. Is it unreasonable of me to want to have an occasional drink out with my friends or family when she isn't present? I don't come home drunk or even tipsy - it's truly a glass of wine or a single beer.
The healthcare provider in me has a much better understanding of this than the intimate partner in me. The age long battle of head vs heart...
I have and will continue to seek out in-person meetings, I'm a night shift worker though, so the timing is tricky unfortunately.
Welcome to MIP nanda....I truly have no experience with this as I was in AA long before I ever came to Al-Anon. I am a 'safe person' for my qualifiers. What I do know in my experience is that no matter what I do/change/think, it's never going to change another person's actions. The three C's of our program come to mind - 1. I didn't cause it., 2. I can't control it., 3. I can't cure it. These 3 small phrases really helped me understand that their actions should not affect my choices and vice-versa...
My hope is you seek out local Al-Anon meetings and find local support. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Nanda My AH told me the same thing. That I did not have to not drink. I made the personal choice to not drink at all because I come from a family of alcoholics. I do not drink. The only socializing we do is with close friends and family and if they come to our house they know our house is dry. If we go to their house or to a place where alcohol is served it is up to them whether they drink. I can honestly say I did not make the choice to not drink out of support for him, maybe initially, however in the long run I made the choice because I have seen the destruction it can cause and I carry the alcoholic gene.
This is something that I struggled with at first with my AH. Though he always said that he was the one that had the problem, I made the conscious decision to not drink at home. We still have wine at our house that hasn't been opened in months/years and at first I thought I should get rid of all alcohol in the house. I did hear conflicting reports on if I should get rid of it as some people said yes while others said no (if they want to drink they can just go to the nearest liquor store). My husbands drink of choice was hard alcohol which we do not have in the house. Since he got sober about a year and a half the only time I have had a glass of wine was at Christmas with company over or one or two times with my mom when she stayed the night. I do have a glass of wine if we go to a party or if we go out to dinner but that is probably the most and I have to say I actually like not drinking (I also have alcoholism in my family so I am careful on my end). That being said, I think it depends on the person. I do think it is a little unreasonable to get mad at you for going out and having a drink with friends when she wasn't there. It would be one thing if your girlfriend was there and was obviously uncomfortable. Was she having a bad day and just used that as an excuse to pick a fight with you? The way I see it, you are being very supportive.
