Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

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Post Info TOPIC: New here


Newbie

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Posts: 1
Date:
New here


Hello, 

I am new here and I am hoping this will help me gain some peace of mind. I have stopped by a local Al-anon meeting and I just can't seem to get comfortable there. I will keep trying but I thought this might be helpful in the time being as well. 

I am married to an Alcoholic, it's been 3 years of pure hell. Verbal abuse, physical abuse (that has now stopped thank to the fear of the jail stay), embarrassment, loss of friends, loss of my own sanity at times, lies, manipulations and so many more things.

The straw that broke the camels back was on New Years Eve, our first new years spent together in 3 years because normally he's passed out long before midnight and I spend it alone. I thought it was the beginning of something great! Boy how wrong I was, we went to spend time with friends at a local bar we frequent....I enjoy the place but quite honestly it's not my first choice of places to hang out and yet it's the only place in 3 years my husband has found the time to spend time with me at. By spend time I truly mean we are just under the same roof of the same establishment at the same time. Part of the many problems over the last 3 years has been the isolation that I have encountered over his illness.

One of our mutual friends brought a date to the festivities and this girl is known in our circle as the "easy" girl. So during the time that I was closing our tab my husband and our friends were all outside and she walked up. She told my husband that at this point was completely intoxicated (he never knows his limit) that I had slept with our friend (her date). Her resolution to "make it even" was for them to touch each other inappropriately in front of our friends. Mind you I have never nor will I ever cheat on my husband. We came home and I was unaware of what took place till the next day when I woke up to all the messages from our friends checking on me because they were worried. I wasn't intoxicated so I wasn't sure why they were asking me if I was ok so I called my one friend in particular she's my straight shooter friend never mixes up the stories or causes unneeded drama. That's when I found out what had taken place.

This isn't the first break in our marriage that he's caused, he's lost all trust rebuilt it and then destroyed it again, he refused therapy till recently because he didn't think we needed it and we are currently awaiting our appointment.

I don't know if I will ever trust him again to be honest and it's killing me emotionally. I know I cannot control his illness, I know I cannot make him do things I want him to do, quite honestly at this point I just want to make me right again with or without him.

 

Anyway thanks for listening!  



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
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'quite honestly at this point I just want to make me right again with or without him.' Perfect, this is the willingness needed to begin working the program of Alanon. Go to a meeting and hopefully you are ready to begin working on yourself and then you get to see with clarity what this disease is all about and then you can make decisions with all the facts that you will be most comfortable with and can stick with. Good luck.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Wecome Drowning Sorrow  You are not alone.  Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is the recovery program for family members and as you know the meetings are held in most communities.  I attended meetings for several months before I became comfortable in them and shared.  You are welcome to simply sit. listen to learn . pick up literature and absorb the warmth and compassion of the room. Meetings help to break the isolation caused by living in the  insanity of the disease and provide much needed support as we work through develping new tool s to live by.

Keep coming back.   There is hope.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 963
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Welcome, Drowning, so glad you found us. AlAnon is a place where you will find many who understand your pain and the feelings you've expressed. When I found AlAnon I felt similar feelings and was desperate to find a better way.

I found answers to many of my questions and a perspective and set of tools that allowed me to immediately make changes in my strategy and efforts. These changes were the beginning of finding my way back to peace and a manageable life. As others have said, seek out an AlAnon meeting or one of the many books that are offered, take a peek at the FAQ here on this page.

Hang in there and keep coming back

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
Date:

I too send welcomes to you Drowning....I also understand the affects the disease has on those of us who love or live with an alcoholic. We often get sicker than them, and need our own path to sanity/self-discovery. I see that you've not found comfort yet in Al-Anon meetings - perhaps trying a couple more - different groups, etc. would help. I found 'my home' at the second group I visited, and consider myself fortunate. Others are good with their first and still others visit more meetings before they find a home group.

One thing that was suggested to me was to keep an open mind. I was also asked to consider the similarities instead of the differences. Whether a qualifier is a father, son, daughter, husband, wife, etc. - we usually have the same issues. Most have isolated, enabled, lost themselves, etc. It's the similarities and how to better live that glue us together.

Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 484
Date:

I am new here too. I have been to AA, and sometimes you have to try different groups to find one you are comfortable with. You can try another town, or a different time of a meeting like mornings compared to nights. Some cities have more than one group depending on locations. I have spent holidays alone it is not a good feeling. 



-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 19th of January 2017 08:25:26 PM

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Sharon 



Senior Member

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Posts: 160
Date:

The ex A who I.was with cheated on.me. The people he chose to cheat with made me want to puke.  I don't know it was a choice for him honestly Bi thonk.all he knows is chaos. Right now that is all he wants to kniw. 

The issue is I was warned by his brother about this. 

 

Detaching is a real art form. Ial.anon we learn to detach.from people who hurt us. It is pretty hard to ramp up on a skill like that Sometimes we have to detach in anger.  For me sometimes I had to do it one hour at a time 

 

The other thing I had to do was detach  from certain holidays.

I could reinforce my isolation if I wanted to.  

 

Being a couple was huge for me.  Being single was not easy but it is certainly easier in the long run 

Maresie45

 

 



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