Encouragement vs. Detachment - Al-Anon Family Group

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

Encouragement vs. Detachment

MomInMo · Veteran Member

Mmm, if you're worried your detachment is making him drink more, that's not what's causing it. That's about him, not you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember Wife, that we are powerless over this disease. When we begin to change our responses people often act out and try to demand that we change back. You can show compassion and empathy while still taking care of yourself. kee p attending meetings and coming back .

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand how you feel and it took me a long time to really take to heart the three cs. You can't cure it, you didn't cause it and you can't control it. For me learning detachment was difficult. I started off by withdrawing and stepping away from my AH and taking care of myself. I eventually learned how to incorporate the love part. I can still be detached and love and encourage him. Where I used to fight and argue and criticize him because I thought it would make him change I now encourage him that he can figure things out for himself. When he goes a long time without drinking and then starts drinking again instead of telling him what he's doing wrong I tell him I have faith in him to figure out what's best for him. And I can honestly say I do. When he succeeds with something I offer encouragement, when he takes more responsibility for his stuff and his behavior I am encouraging. And in the meantime I am taking care of myself and my needs and that helps me to be a better support to him.
Keep coming back you will get there. It takes time just a little bit at a time.

shrnp · Senior Member

My A is an ex, and I have been detaching myself for quite sometime. I have never done it through Alanon. I like the things I am reading. Hotrod said, "When we begin to change our responses people often act out and try to demand that we change back." That is so true, the things my A has said to me to get my attention have been so unreal. The worse was his talking about suicide, when he was slowly committing it anyhow. Right now, I have been going over the things I have said to my A about his health and they have become true. It is kind of empowering in a weird sense, where I can say I knew this would happen,and I do not have to be a part of your illness now. I have not decided how to proceed with my A, he is in the hospital. I have decided to take things one day at a time though.

2HP · Senior Member

I relate to what appear to be Al-anon riddles, right?!

To me, this is not an either/or question though.

Although it took awhile for me as well, today I understand detachment doesn't necessarily mean in the physical sense although it can be, especially if the conditions (for me) are intolerable. in those cases I certainly have detached physically, to keep everyone "safe" including me and my sanity. indeed, this is "loving detachment," I can still love others from a physical distance.

But mostly, detachment for me is about letting go of attachment to OUTCOMES and I must practice it daily... letting go of using others (and situations and things) for my security ... letting go of what others do (or don't do) to control my mind and my well-being.

I feel free to encourage alcoholics and everyone else in my life because I am no longer holding them responsible for my well-being. My needs are going to be met absolutely because Al-anon taught me that I am the one responsible for my needs. This gives me much more FREEDOM and control over my life, rather than hitching the responsibility onto someone else.

I keep low expectations, no longer holding them under a microscope and they really appreciate that, as I do. Even though I practice detachment, my loved ones are still very important in my life. I simply have a much MORE important attachment and much more RELIABLE relationship with Higher Power.

-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 20th of January 2017 03:23:52 PM

luv123 · Senior Member

Thanks for sharing so honestly. That is where the recovery comes from and practice practice practice. I had to learn to keep putting focus back on me --came very slowly---my obsession was w/ the A same as his was with Alcohol. I had to keep acting as if I could detach an hour at a time and remind myself his drinking was his business and mine was being the best me I could be.

I have been thanked (much later) by my A for minding MYOB because he said it helped him to face his disease--reacting to my reactions was a loop that kept us caught up for a while in the blame game and distracted from the truth & from our own paths. I could only do my half of the equation and his half didn't look pretty at all when I first got the hang of detachment. HP, literature on detachment, sponsorhip and meetings really helped me to redirect my head & trust in big picture. Al-anon has taught me so much & saved me so many times and I believe it will continue to save you too. some days just are harder than others - I have faith that u will be ok.

Maresie25 · Senior Member

The ex A who I.was with is drinking

I certainly fear for his future. I don't fear for my own future

Whatever I did has pretty much nothing to do with his drinking

He has plenty of people who will offer him encouragement

I think its easy to see circumstances as a reason.for drinking

I recently had a friend.commit suicide. His life was perfect, beautiful home, ample income, grway.vacations, plenty of friends, passions, hobbies everything. Even good health

Alcoholism still took him. I have been devastated. Then I have to look at how cunning and baffling this disease is. Detaching isn't really a choice after w while it's an absolute necessity

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