The principle of detachment takes practice and and a deep acceptance of the fact that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and that the best way to interact in the world is to learn not to react and to" live and let live".
Program suggests that we "focus on ourselves" examine what we are thinking . doing and feeling. When we do this we should use the tool of "Detachment" to not involve ourselves with the behavior of another (trying to fix, change or control them)We can examine our motives and not react to situations but instead"think" before we respond and finally" say what we mean and mean what we say without saying it mean.
Drawing boundaries , explaining that you feel that the behavior is unacceptable and that you are removing yourself from it is an acceptable way to detach.
Attending meetings working the Steps and slogans will hep you to release the anger and resentment.
There is hope

Thank you for your responses. Haven't been to a meeting in a while and am thinking of going back.I think at the end of the day, I just don't want to live with this disease in my life anymore. It is destroying my life and a terrible way to live.I have stayed and tried to detach because I love him but feel more like a parent than a partner. The emotional and financial stress is too much. Thanks for listening.

Hi Jennyp, just something I will share about my own experience as it relates to detachment, my qualfier, and the AlAnon emphasis on focus on MY recovery:

At the time I was pointed to AlAnon, I felt my life was truly unmanageable: I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to guide my qualifier to recovery and take care of all the things that 'needed' to be done and 'saving' our relationship. I was making plans to leave, was devastated, but knew I absolutely couldn't continue on as things were.

I dove into AlAnon meetings and reading, quickly realized that much of MY behavior was unhealthy. True, the behavior of my qualifier was unhealthy when drinking, but mine was unhealthy ALL of the time as my efforts to control what I couldn't/shouldn't extended beyond alcohol into every aspect of my life. I didn't know how to detach with love, or effectively use any tool that AlAnon suggested...

I realized that I could go ahead and move out, and likely reduce the chaos in my life...but I would carry the same tools into the next situation. It may not be quite as bad, but it would have similarities because I had not changed the way I dealt with people and situations.

Everyone must make the decision they feel is right at the time. I decided to stay and pour all of the effort and energy I had used to try to 'fix' my qualifier into recognizing my contributions to the unmanageability of the situation and make changes. I leaned heavily on the program while I did this: as many meetings as I could fit in the week, as much reading as I could manage, sponsor, and meditation on what I was learning and what adjustments I could make in thoughts and action.

The impact on my situation was huge. My qualifier did not find lasting sobriety while I remained, but benefitted greatly from my new, healthier behavior and attitude. More importantly, I began using the healthy perspectives and tools of AlAnon in all aspects of my life and experienced dramatic reduction in my felt anxiety, resentment, and fear and increase in peace, and at times, even serenity.

Knowing myself, I would not have made such rapid growth in my recovery if I had left the situation. If I would have left before I was introduced to alanon, I might not have used the program later at all, and possibly could have made it through many years or even my life without making the changes I did.

In this sense, I am grateful for what I experienced, for it was only in this way that I was able to see and admit what was there the whole time: my powerlessness. The fact is, my life was unmanageable the entire time, but before AlAnon I thought it was everyone else that had it wrong. I repeated my same behavior and tactics in every situation with every person, waiting for others to change or to find someone who didn't make me unhappy.

In AlAnon, I learned that others don't have the power to make me unhappy, or my life unmanageable, unless I am allowing it or actively contributing to it. The actions, attitudes, or thoughts of others need not take away my peace and serenity. Once AlAnon helped me to understand this and began living my life accordingly, I was ready to make much healthier choices about what I truly needed to do.

This is merely my experience with the program and how I chose to try to apply it in my life. It may or may not be helpful, please take what you like and leave the rest. Whatever you choose to do, I am sure you will make the best choice for you; I do believe that the principles and tools of AlAnon will help you if you choose to keep them in mind...Hang in there and keep coming back