I know this is kind of whingy but it's making me miserable lately and seems to be my ever present woe so, maybe if I share it, it will get smaller. Sometimes it works that way.

Seems like many people have walked the same path as me and separated and then moved on with someone new and things are wonderful..in fact it seems to be a pattern for everyone except me..

I think it must be 4 years now since there was any kind of closeness or intimacy in my life? The last couple of years with abf, we slept in separate rooms, and the entire "relationship" was about avoiding him as much as possible and trying to work out how to get away. Then I moved out alone and I've spent the last 2 years really, really alone and really isolated; he and I kept in contact via skype and phone on and off and spent a couple of days together every couple of months at most. We ceased that maybe 9 months ago and after getting together for our birthday 5 months ago, we broke up and basically haven't seen each other since. So I've been more or less single for a long, long time now. 

It feels quite desolate at this point. I can't see or imagine any way in which I could ever meet anyone; my world seems to just grow exponentially ever smaller.  Maybe next year I'll get to go to proper classes if daughter is on track and it's workable; then, each class has maybe 2 males to 28 females and they're all in their early 20's so...not really. 

I've been on my own for a long time and I really don't have much in the way of conversational skills anymore and I'm getting very "old and grumpy", I am used to being alone and have not a lot of patience for people and quite of lot of it is bitterness I think.

Funny thing is, my grandmother lost her AH when she was my age (he was pretty awful) and she stayed single and when I was growing up, I thought that was so sad and terrible and always wished she would find someone. She never did. She lived through a violet alcoholic marriage and then she just raised her kids and stayed alone. She's very bitter and hates men passionately. Now here I am, living the same life. I don't see a way out of it; it seems to become more and more set in stone every day.

Bugs me because pretty much the only thing I ever really cared about was making a family and making them no.1; I never cared much whether we had money or fancy whatnots, I just wanted to love and value the people i my life and have them do the same back and first husband left me with a baby, and then 10 years later I had to leave ABF because it was miserable and abusive and life or death basically. 

I can tell myself a million things about how if I stay positive and do the next right thing then this or that might happen but to be honest I feel like I am just getting older, and grumpier, and pickier, and less tolerant, and I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to try to be interesting or attractive, and everything I do is overshadowed with this growing certainty that this is pretty much it. Me and my books alone in a room until the end.

I know, it's not very positive or uplifting, sorry for that but it's really getting to be an unbearable kind of certainty recently. I seem to become more alone every day. I don't much like it.

Thanks for letting me whinge.