I am smiling when I hear about the "pure rage". Yes, I had/have that too. I never knew if it was because of the drinking and HIM and his sucky attitude, because of my own menopause and homonal changes, because life just sucked........ who knows. I know I would be happy when I identified that it was what I was feeling BEFORE I put my foot in my mouth and threw a grenade..... even though I always felt it was fair and deserved..... but not the person I wanted to be. But a few times the grenades got thrown anyway and things changed and people got scared of me and then in a few hours or days I would have to say I was sorry for how I said what I said.

It's great that you are seeing this in your behavior. It took me a long time.

Not nice before recovery .. Ugh .. That is a true story .. It is frustrating to know what I'm doing is not ok and try to identify the trigger I'm grateful my partner is trying to listen. It's the negative comments that ring so loud after the A and after my mother .. I spent the last 5 years putting humpty dumpty together again I do not need to go down this road again. Lesson learned. It's hard because what is over reaction .. What is appropriate. I tend to give to much benefit of the doubt and not enough holding someone accountable until I'm holding them so accountable it's painful for us both. I asked the question if all this is wrong with what I do .. What exactly do you like about me that makes you want to invest time in us? That one statement threw him big time. I know he is not doing these things in malice I also know this is 30 years of previous defense. At least he has enough self awareness to see I'm not the only one stating the same thing which I find interesting. My initial reactions threw me .. I felt defensive not sure how to communicate what I was feeling and just angry. Ha ha .. That's a jump. Then I felt panic who am I in a relationship and will I sacrifice that the way I did with the ex. My mother recently said I complicate everything in terms of a relationship .. Maybe I do my X said the same thing .. I don't recall being in relationships with these two as a walk in the park and I'm not the only one who has verbalized that .. My dad used to go on about my mother being complicated .. The irony is not lost on me. So now I try and figure out how to hold on to me while continuing to grow within a relationship .. I wish it were as easy for me as it seems to be for others. Grr ..