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ABF has been in AA for almost 90 days. He has had only 2 obvious relapses during that time and only missed only 1 meeting. (that I know of) Thats pretty good I think. However yesterday I came over and could smell just a liitle beer on him and he was acting a teeny bit off (nothing like drinking days) but I could tell he may have had maybe one small beer. Because if he had had any more than that is wayyy obvious. soo question: I want to tell him I know. I want to say Umm I know you had a drink. ( and this might not be the first sneak). I know I am not suppose to ask for "advice" but asking what Al Anon suggests. Thank you
I think it's a slow day on the boards .. I'm going to point something out .. there is no such thing as a mini relapse. It's like saying I'm a little pregnant. It's a relapse so just call it what it is.
He's going to drink or not drink .. the question is what are you going to do. I would strongly suggest going to a face to face meeting and listening to what others have done before you.
As far as calling him what .. what is your motive for doing so? If it's only to let him know you know ... he probably is scared you do any ways. If he's drinking what you know about it probably the tip of the iceberg.
It helped me to understand an A by reading not only Alanon lit however to delve into the Blue Book of AA .. there are things I will never truly understand about A's however knowing about the disease has helped me a great deal. That's how my brain works. The truth about addiction is an A goes back to where they stopped .. it may happen gradually or it may happen over night it really depends. An A cannot control their obsession of their addiction in the throws of the active drinking.
The good news is your BF is going to meetings. Hopefully he will keep going until he finds reason to just stop drinking .. it won't be about you .. it will be about him and when his payoff of his emotional/spiritual bankruptcy outweighs his pain of what the addiction is giving him.
Keep coming back, hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In relation to what Serenity said I will also support "there is nothing as "half sober" or "kinda sorta sober" or "just tweaking sober" to an alcoholic. They either are totally abstinent over long daily periods of time with no desire or willingness to drink ever again or they are not. If he doesn't seem sober to you that is all you need for evidence course what adds power to this statement is that you are in recovery and attending religiously yourself. If you are not don't bother calling him out cause that will guarantee an explosion. Keep coming back. This works when you work it. (((hugs)))
And don't feel bad about noticing that he is taking a nip or a lot of nips. You need to know what is happening with him in order to make proper plans for your own future. You don't need it to predict the future, but to know what is happening in the present. Sometimes I am struggling with a feeling or an attitude that I have that just feels off, or I blame myself for being crabby.... when in actuality I am playing off something that he is doing or feeling that I don't know about.... and I am taking all the blame for the negative attitude. We are a program of truth and honesty. It is so much easier to figure out the world when we are not being lied to.
You don't have to say anything to him. Just sit back and watch. And live your life.
Wow thanks everyone for reminding me of my progress and steps. I only wanted to call him out on it because it was very minor and I didn't want him to think he can pull one over on me. I hate liars and I feel like thats a lie hiding even a small nip when he keeps saying he is 66 days sober.. (which really is not) and his goal is to stop completely. I went to a few AA with him and was moved by what they learn. The only thing that bothers me is when he has had his 2 big relapses that I know of, some of the guys tell him it is ok, its a slow process. which i get.. but I don't think he really gets that part. It is more like he feels ok to "mess up" a bit but if he goes to meeting asap that its ok.. he is sorry and just moving foward. I guess really and truly its me just wanting to say ohhh by the way, do you think I am stupid and didn't smell beer on you last night?
It will be hard to keep my mouth shut but like you all said, I won't say anything, but will sit back and watch. Be Strong Aerin!!!
I might mention that you are pleased with his successes. view the relapse as a temporary set back. Make much of his successes and focus on the positive just my humble opinion.
I am trying to change the pattern of nagging. I think nagging is saying something over and over. If you say something, just say it one time and let it go. Hounding people doesn't really work. I relapse sometimes too.
I'm going to disagree with Lucy about making his sobriety a thing. Doing what you feel comfortable with .. all over that .. However let the A get his pats from his AA group .. You can be supportive .. There truly is a fine line .. A's are very ego driven and narrcistic by nature .. I find over Doing anything is not helpful. Plus it's a set up for feeling worse if they slip and they have someone to blame for their failure .. Jmho about the whole praising issue. I went through that with a good friend of mine. I had to terminate the relationship. I had enough recovery to call her our tell her I loved and cared for her However watching her lie about her recovery was not part of our friendship .. It broke my heart to hear she lost everything again recently. The last visit I made tried to play up how wonderful everything was and I know it's not. You know that's her business not mine. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My 20 year old AD had a relapse several months ago. Once I determined that she was alive, I stepped away and left the rest up to her. I did not ask questions, I did not give advice, I did not monitor how many meeting she was going to, whether or not she talked to her sponsor . I simply encouraged her one time to get back to doing what she needs to do and then focused on my own recovery. It was very hard to mind my own business for I used to feel that I had all the answers and if she would only listen to my advice then she would be fine lol. She initially lied about re lapsing, no surprise there ... who wants to admit failure. I simply said nothing . She knows the truth about her life and I know the truth about mine and that is all that matters. The only one they are pulling something over on is themselves if they sneak. She quickly got herself back on track as far as I know and is doing well without my interference. I do encourage her and frequently tell her that I am proud of her for her determination and the changes she has made and leave it at that. If you are being genuine in your praise then I don't think you can ever tell someone enough that you are proud of them or notice their efforts. As long as my motives for praise and encouragement are pure, meaning that I am not tying it to an expected outcome and trying to manipulate the situation. It comes very natural to me to do this with a child, I do it with my other non addict child as well although admittedly not as much. . Perhaps it is different with a spouse /partner
All good points.. I had to come on here today because I was sooo close to saying "I knew you were drinking!" I sort of see all of you all as online sponsors at times :) I def don't want to bring it up because he will just say it was no big deal, and he is not perfect and whatever other little denials he uses every two weeks. It amazes me that even in treatment they have excuses and denial.. But yes, I have to remember this is his problemn not mine
What my sponsor taught me was to question my motives. For me, the end-game when I paused long enough to consider it often was, "I want you to know that I know what you're hiding...." *SIGH*
In those cases, it was strongly recommended my focus was misplaced.
Over time, in recovery, with the steps, I came to understand that my motives were/had changing/changed. The more I learned about the the hold the disease had on my qualifiers, my motive did become genuine concern for them/their health/their future. When I reached this point in progress, my sponsor did suggest I could express my feelings using I statements....only if I could do this and then apply JADE! So - my go-to phrase when I got sane enough was, I love you and am very proud of you! I am also very concerned for you at the same time. I'm working really hard on me right now, so if I take a break or back away, understand it's because I need to for me.
That was it. No mention of the disease, no mention of the sneaking - just my own feelings and my boundary set up to help me detach with love when necessary. I detached with indifference and silence in the beginning as I had no tools. It caused many issues with my qualifiers as I didn't even tell them I was going to Al-Anon. Over time, I was able to speak my truth about our program. It was not well-received but gave them a point of reference for my changes.
I have stepped away several times in my recovery. I do feel today that it's my best gift to me/my recovery to put distance between me and the insanity of this disease. (((Hugs))) - lean into your recovery and the answers will come to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, Aerin. Totally understand the anxiety this situation can bring. Something that helped me when I first came into the program, and I work hard to recall, is that since I did not cause, and cannot cure or control alcohol, and in the spirit of Step 1, any action that I take with the intent of executing any or the 3 C's suggests that I have not truly accepted my powerlessness, and I am short circuiting my own recovery.
When I am stuck on a question or feel uncertain of what action to take (or not to take, as often is the case!), I tend to head to the index in the back of Courage to Change or ODAT and find the topics that deal with the area of concern, and read the pages. I have yet to try that and not find an answer.
In C2C, I found some great readings under the the topics: Focusing on Myself; Acceptance; Control; and several others. I applaud you for seeking the program guidance, you can never go wrong with that! Keep seeking and hang in there
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
