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Post Info TOPIC: You can't talk to me like that!


~*Service Worker*~

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You can't talk to me like that!


I don't  know when this became my biggest hot button, but I cannot stand being talked down to (or perceiving it or being spoken to in a dismissive disrespectful tone.

 

If I actually HAD been with or around a "rageaholic" qualifier, it would make sense to have this be such and issue, but that wasn't my case or history.

 

I CAN'T STAND being or feeling disrespected. So much that it is MY isssue. It is always in response to men too. Not women.

 

About a week ago at work someone did this to me at work who is not my boss. I have learned to suck it up in rare times it has happened at work from superiors. Anyhow, I flipped afterwards to a kind amd supportive supervisor.

 

AND...visiting inlaws and my brother in law literally just did this to me as I was making some innocent joke to 11 year old nephew. He scoldingly told me "Just stop it!" Almost yelling at me and still not sure what I said so wrong. Either way...I am isolated by myself cooling down right now to not snap off in front of my inlaws. I feel bad that I told my husband that if his brother talks to me in that tone again (as this is also not the fist time he's done it) that he is going to get told to watch his BLEEPing tone with me or get punched in the BLEEPing face!

 

I actually figured out the reason as I was typing...

 

It is because I'm gay and I grew a really quick protective thing with straight men from bullying in my past. Kind of like "You wanna call me f..ggot? I guess you will get your a** kicked by a f*ggot!" It is a hyper reaction.

 

So...I know this is a problem. I vented here first to avoid a blow up and cuz honestly, I trust you guys to give me sane feedback above most.  I also know i need to call my sonsor now.  

 

Sorry this was so graphic with my thinly disguised terminology.



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Hi Mark. Great share. I really loved seeing your process and appreciate the fact that you shared it with your MIP family. Talk things over reasoning things out really does work. :)

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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I also am trying really hard to be "liked/loved" by my brother in law and the rest of them and it just is not happening with him. His kids are great but I will limit my interactions with them too as they are his kids amd Im not about to have this happen again. Being around in laws is nerve wracking in general. It has me in a funky awkward feeling spot already.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 2nd of December 2016 11:46:21 PM

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Just some thoughts......You can't talk to me like that! That was my boundary in July of this year. I got sick of her (the assistant boss) talking down to me, condescending is what I call it. So I up and quit my job, it was just a little part time job after I retired so it wasnt real important to me, but it was unprofessional for me just to quit one day and not tell anyone the reason. I just didnt feel I needed to let her make me feel lesser than and she did. My patience was waring thin but I didnt know how to deal with it. I do believe she was a "trying to recover alcoholic" and had a hard life but that gave her no excuse.

But Pink if you call him names or punch him in the nose, that will just prove to him that you are an idiot for losing your temper and confirm himself if he has any negative thoughts about you. Anyone can cuss and get angry..... but have you ever met those people who could put someone in their place without even raising there voice or cussing! A talent indeed. Maybe that would be better amo, if the occasion ever arises again. Your the bigger person for not losing it in front of the nephew. Maybe this BIL doesnt like you for some reason, but thats his problem. linsc 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Well turns out BIL was thinking his son wasn't understanding my jokes and might have thought I was mocking him or something and the kid is being bullied at school and hence felt the urgent need to quiet me immediately. So ironic as I previously mentioned my experience of being bullied involved literally having my pants and underwear pulled down in front of all my classmates while being called a sissy and I also DID have an uncle that really was an active alcoholic who bullied us and called me a loser and literally tried to strangle me once but wow...

So...upon being told this, it did not help my understanding of things at all or make me feel better as I basically got told by my spouse I was being over dramatic so I guess that hour I spent holed away upstairs crying and being upset was theatrics and after 15 years of being a child therapist, people now need to watch out for me bullying their children. So...that was so invalidating and insulting that now I am mad at my husband also. Great. AND since I obsess about things forever and have been told I am wrong and to stop being upset I will now stay awake stewing for hours while my husband will be asleep snoring in about 10 minutes...100 percent guarantee.

Despite all the tools and years of "program" on anger and "letting go....I get stumped and I think those slogans and tools are there cuz I SUCK at letting go and I have a pissy temper. Grrr.

Hey. Guess who just started snoring? Not me. Double grrr!


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I literally wish i could tape this snoring for all of you and insert a pic of my sourass angry face texting this away at 12:44 am.

*that actually did make me snicker a little and am SURE you can mostly all identify with a spouse that tells you to stop being dramatic and then proceeds to fall asleep and snore while you are either fuming, crying, or both.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh pink you made me lol with your last two posts. I love how you are processing through your past. Yes the snoring by someone else while I'm awake gives me the urge to pinch their nose!!! If I'm awake and miserable they can be too!! The fastest way to tick me off is tell me to get over something while I'm in the throws of my adult sized temper tantrum. Lol .. Oh well good thing it's a program of process not perfection. Hugs ..

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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Love your straight talking share. I get this and I think it's when we're looking for validation of us outside our own body. Your worth isn't dependant on anyone but you and bad behaviour is all around us because people have their own issues whether it's depression addiction whatever and bad behaviour is usually a reflection of this rather than you. It's the same for me too if my behaviour slips it's because my own stuff is rising to the surface for whatever reason and I get reactionary rather than thinking then responding. Reacting is my go to mode responding is my alanon mode and it feels so much better because it keeps relationships open and allows healing to take place. Reacting shuts it down. I'm like oh no you didn't! !!! It could come from being on high alert while living with the active drinker. He could buy and sell me before I knew what hit me so I adopted an aggressive manner in an attempt to take some control. Nowadays compassion releases me from taking a hurt quite often. I just think of the person as being within their own hurt or issues that are bigger than me and nothing to do with me. Having compassion for me means I get to set boundaries and I can quite clearly say to someone now that I won't allow myself to be spoken to in that way and I will leave the room. It's so good and I get to trust myself. I don't need the person to understand my point of view so I don't offer many words or explanations I just tend to show them with my body that I won't take their crap because I will leave their presence. I'm thinking that you lovely man needs to be sure how brilliant you are and that the words or attitudes of others won't always reflect this and neither does it have too. I suggest step 4 look in at the good and bad. Get a nice clear honest list and then no one can tell you anything you don't know that they think they know. X

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~*Service Worker*~

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It is 4:35 am. Wide awake. This is what happens when I get upset to this degree at night. Torture. Total obsessive ruminating insomnia. I can get that my BIL was trying to protect his son from my joking in a way that he, his father was concerned about. I still say HE overreacted, not me. "Be quiet right now!" is not an acceptable way to talk to me from family.. Period.. And my own husband crapping on me and telling me how wrong I was, being short with me and no giving a flying crap about my feelings made it a billion times worse. There was a time her swore we would never go to bed angry at each other. Guess he doesnt give a crap about that now. YAY.

These thoughts and ruminative processes are what keeps me up all night. He is clueless. Snore snore. I wish so bad I was at home or we were visiting my family. They would trust chuck to interact with my nephews as a decent person...not this crap. And if my mom or siblings disrespected him. I would care anout his feelings and back him up rather than argue about him misinterpreting things and telling him to stop being dramatic. So lame. 

 



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 05:55:18 AM



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 05:56:10 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh my,I can relate to this ,just I had forgotten how long ago it had been since I was in a rageaholic relationship ,
I spent 20 yrs married to my rageaholic a/h ,was my 1st husband, loved him dearly.
At that time ,I allowed him to talk to me in such a bad way,I thought it was normal ,that was before alanon that is.
Today I'm using my tools of my program in dealing with such behavior
Easy does it comes to mind instantly.
I find it still really hard still today in trying to deal with such abusive behaviors from others.
Thanks pinkchip for bringing this topic to the board,
Reminds me I need to address this also.......hugs..lu

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~*Service Worker*~

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P.s. Love all this great esh you got....

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Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 

El


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I too chuckled at a couple of your posts because I TOTALLY understand the anger at the snoring slumber while I fume, seeth, and plot his demise. Sorry, got carried away with the last one. Lol.

I would bet a lot of money that your H wants his family to love you also. He might also have been nervous and not too happy about his brother's comment to you, but didn't want to make the whole uncomfortable mess even worse in the moment.  

Hopefully, today will bring some understadding and communication about it and it will hurt less. I wouldn't have wanted to be talked to that way, either.



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~*Service Worker*~

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You are right EI. Though he was also just clueless on how to be at least supportive, caring, understanding of my feelings and kept repeating the same stuff over and over even when I literally modeled the right response to your emotionally distraught spouse whether you agree with the reasons or not. I even scripted "Gosh honey...I am so sorry this all upset you so so badly. I love you and wouldn't want you to feel disrespected and so offended. I'm here to listen. Whether or not my brother acted like a tool toward you, I'm more concerned with you being and feeling ok. Here to listen (insert hug)." Geez....couldnt do it even with a laid out script. Kept going back into me "turning his words around" oh..and the kicker "I just want him to be miserable now too." You know, cuz I guess I love spreading misery (as a mental health counselor I might add). A+ conflict resolution there. Sigh.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 10:07:17 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Sorry you have had a sleepless night pinkchip. In my experience, people react for a million and one reasons none of which I usually know nothing about, therefore I go off making my own assumptions about why. This has never served me well. For me, making the conscious decision to calmly speak my truth as I see it, apologize for any way that I may have offended them and then let it go usually results in peace for myself which is what I want. Hanging on to my perceived injustices only inflicts pain upon myself while everyone else goes about their business . I really had to work on this as an adult as I had the mentality get them before they get me (otherwise I appeared weak) and by golly no one was going to disrespect me. BIL may or may not know the extent of your bullying history either, therefore his ability to understand your reaction is limited perhaps. You didn't know nephews recent experiences with bullying thus your bafflement at Dads reaction. It is always nice if others validate my feelings but it is not necessary for my well being. Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life, to demonstrate and model that indeed there is life after bullies. Hope today is better day for you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you serenity47. That was totally on target and when I get over my feelings....that is how I will view it. BIL is sorta bossy and inept. It isn't all about me. It takes me a day or less to do a turnaround now. Before, this is how I felt more often than not and never/rarely got to a better head space. It will all be fine. You are all blessings.


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~*Service Worker*~

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On a side topic (snoring companions and sleep), I have been "lucky enough" to have snoring husbands. When my brain goes overtime on the gerbil wheel, I match my breathing to his. I breathe deeply (because I'm not shoring), and then I wake up from having slept all night.
So simple, but for me it works.

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(((Pinkchip))) - my heart goes out to you.....What I love about you - you are a passionate soul - and those of us with deep passion do not have on/off switches. We love passionately, we serve passionately, and we seek peace passionately! So - in my own life - when there is discomfort (friction, anger, annoyances, etc. - I also process passionately. It's just part of who we are and how we are - it's not wrong...it is what it is.

I too have been accused of being dramatic and over-reacting. I have spent a ton of time with my very calm and even-tempered sponsor and she's been a great example of consistency. I needed this. My FOO trained me to be compliant until I could no more - with no better skills, when I hit the wall - I reacted, badly, loudly, passionately.

What she's tried to show me is at the moment of discomfort, pause and just consider that we're all on different pages. I've been practicing 'acting as if' I am in a professional setting instead of family, and pulling the other person aside and saying, "I sense I've upset you, this was not my intention. Can you clarify for me?"

As a passionate person, this sounded absolutely insane to me. However, the pause and this 'passing the monkey to the rightful owner' not only allows me to set aside my ego but to bring my HP into it. I then was told to actively listen - setting aside their emotions/drama/sarcasm/etc. for the facts. At that point, I can apologize if I see my part or I can seek to further clarify.

The lesson I missed growing up or was never taught is that each person I come in contact with has their own battles and baggage. When I reach out and try to seek to understand, it does help shift my attitude and my ability to respond instead of react.

I have literally been where you are, and 'stuck' because we are not in town. My sponsor tells me it is my responsibility to clean up the mess as best I can - which includes a public apology if necessary. I hate these so now PAUSE often, always as I absolutely can't stand drama/chaos. It's going to happen in families - I do whatever I can to not engage and/or not cause it.

I too struggle to sleep always - so if there is unfinished daily business - I am toast. Unfortunately, when I am tired is not a good time to resolve issues. I am far more likely to stray from my tools and get emotional. I love that you came here, processed as needed and were leaning into the program for solutions/tools/peace.

(((Hugs))) to you - I also believe that the whole holiday season just puts everyone on edge.....it's become the time I am the quietest - as I and others are just strung a bit tighter this time of year!



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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Just got worse. Brother in law cornered me and tried to lecture me about his reasons for being so rude and curt with me...You know cuz I was "bullying" his son and didn't listen to him 2 times when he commanded I stop....and when it comes to his kids he will act like a "son of a bit**" to protect them. Did not go over well. Told him I never would bully his kid and if he chooses to "treat me like a son of a b...." EVER, there are gonna be problems. Walked away and isolating in room again. Nightmre inlaw trip. Can't believe I worked thanksgiving to get an extra day off to come here for this crap.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 03:42:58 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs Pink,

I get how important this is to you this min and you are right his BIL overreacted. I hope you can find an appropriate outlet for yourself to decompress. I'm in the middle of my own how dare he moment .. LOL .. not that it's ok however I will get over it .. I hope .. LOL.

I come back to the question do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I would rather be happy and if I need to discuss it further I can wait until a more appropriate time to express myself to my sig other and say hey .. I feel when I was in the throws of not understanding what was going on .. it would have helped to have someone listen vs tell me what I was or wasn't feeling. This is a situation that is not going to go away when we are visiting XYZ and normally I can blow that kind of thing off .. however this time it was really hard for me and this is why.

Now how he responds to that honestly that's on him .. I have let him know what I need and I can also let him know what I will do going forward to meet my own needs if he can't. At least there is an open door for communicating what is going on.

I have been much braver in a lot of ways with this relationship .. it really helps me to slow down before my brain overrides my mouth and I get into serious trouble. There are things that really do trip my trigger so to speak and I think that is just what I have been through over the past 5 years with the X.

Hugs S :)



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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We talked. It was tense and not fully resolved. Better than not talking though.

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Sorry this has turned into a miserable situation for you. He is obviously very protective of his son perhaps too protective. Of course there's no going there with him. Profession or not, you'd likely get "What do you know, you don't have kids." I'm wondering if his son felt bullied?  Maybe the kid got the joke huh. Maybe the kid felt embarrassed that his dad jumped in to protect him. It's possible right?

Sounds like you BIL in an awkward way was offering an olive branch. You weren't expecting happily ever after were you? It's a lot of work being the one in recovery isn't it. LOL It can be so friggin lonely at times. Yep, keeping the sponsor phone number close on holidays spent with our families is always a good idea.

I'm triggered like you when shamed in that manner. For myself, all the feelings of being humiliated as a kid resurface in that moment. Suddenly, I feel unsafe, outnumbered and an unacceptable presence in the room. I also remove myself in such situations because these situations set off an internal alarm that it wouldn't be safe to be vulnerable.

I'm sorry you didn't get the supported you needed from your spouse. If he's usually supportive, he may have been experiencing some personal tension of his own with his family unrelated to you and simply didn't have anything to give to you at the time.  It's tough being in someone else's home rather than your own and trying to be a good guest even when it's your own family. He may feel totally exhausted from too much family time. He may have a fresher perspective after resting.

As far as your sensitivity, it's not drama.. not at all.  It's a gift to be emotionally available and able to ask for what we need and want from others. It's likely one of the qualities that attracted your spouse to you - the ability to communicate in a healthy manner. On that note, I'm betting you and BIL will work this out. Mostly, because I'm betting you'll have good communication with him when the dust settles a little more. And what about his son... I wonder if he feels he's been the cause of trouble between his dad and uncle. If so, that would be sad.

Anyway, I'm glad you shared and feel a little better. Those sleepover family things are the worst.  It can be like being held hostage. Bringing a daily reader along has helped.

My slogan for the holidays "We came, we ate, we left." wink  (((hugs)))  TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



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defensiveness is normal.  I sometimes feel the need to explain, but think I think, wait. I know the truth, it doesn't really matter that they think something else.  Just let them think things that are not true.

 

Sometimes you need to do battle, but not for everything.



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Anne


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BIL basically stated he did not like me...buncha objectionable stuff and I sat there and ate it up. Then MIL also made a point to school me on manners and intterrupting people in a converation where 5 other people were all talking.

This has been horrid. I may never come back here. Dunno.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Knowing me...this weekend will put me in a funk for a bit. It was important for me to have both our families behind us. I was exceptionally proud of them/that as a gay married couple. Feels like it truly just went to sh*t.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of December 2016 08:28:36 PM

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Awww, I feel bad for you, Pink. Having to sit there and take it. IF you ever go back there again be sure you have your plan B and C ready. Like your car so you can go home and watch movies in peace. Maybe your expectations were too high and they just showed you who they really were.

Stay in the truth. Know what is real. You don't have to sit there and take it ever again.

You know who you are. You just didn't really know who they were. They let you know in a very uncomfortable way.

Take care of yourself now more than ever.

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maryjane


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This is 11 hours drive from home. They pretty much never come see us. Cant be bothered.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I'm so sorry pink .. That's an awful space to be in .. If it helps at all I don't think it's a gay or straight issue .. One of xahs family said the same thing to me. I think it's a dysfunction junction issue .. Guess what .. Not.your.problem. I'm just so sorry it has come to this I know how stressful those situations can be. Hugs.

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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(((PC))) - I too am so sorry how this has unfolded. It's bad enough that you all are on the road - it just truly feels painful that you were cornered and are literally kind of 'held hostage'.

My prayer for you is calm until you go and then a calm car ride home. I am grateful that recovery has given me freedom in my own truth. He doesn't like you - that's his fact. Please know that doesn't mean you are unlikable - and whatever his motives are...that's all his @#%% - not yours. You are working on recovery and seeking to be the best version of you. That's your truth.

Know we are here for you as best we can be! Sending positive thoughts!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Hmmm...I struggled mightily in social interactions where others did not respond as I expected, I felt they overreacted, or I thought they were just plain wrong. I tended to lash out, tell them how wrong they were, and hold anger, frustration and hurt inside for a long time, after completely, physically disengaging.

I am very grateful for the guidance of AlAnon, where I learned that it is more often a matter of perspective than who is 'right' or 'wrong'. AlAnon suggests that pinning responsibility for my anger and discomfort on others, concluding that their feelings are invalid, refusing to accept that my actions were at the center of the disruption and could have been different magnifies my suffering. Do I want to be 'right', or do I want to make the adjustments, control what I can and keep my peace?

For me, it was my arrogance in believing that I was right, knew better than they, and my expectation that others should see it my way. AlAnon has helped me greatly to understand that respecting others means accepting that they are entitled to their viewpoints as much as I am mine. The key is in how I handle the differences.

I am still learning, trying to make adjustments that keep me from suffering and allow me to interact more peaceably with others. Take what you like and leave the rest

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



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Well, I'm going to assume you are driving back today. I hope that things are better for you and Chuck by now!
But, wow, I'd be totally pissed off and I'd probably have had some sleepless nights, as well.
So sorry but I do hope you get a breather and can regroup on the drive home. HUGS~

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It was really bad. We are flying out today and have already left. Paul/Enigmatic, you are absolutely right and I know I had a role in this. My spouse is certainly listening to me now and agrees with my perceptions as it kept deteriorating and becoming obvious. He is about ready to write off his brother forever. They have issues long standing with each other. I know that I got hit with crossfire and said some things that I am pretty sure my MIL relayed straight to him (BIL) even though when BIL is not around, she does nothing but talk trash about him. I made the mistake of validating/joining in those conversations when I should have shut the hell up cuz it's not my family like I thought and never will be. Also, I'm well aware BIL has many "issues" that have zero to do with me.  Despite that, in the conversation where I tried to make amends with him, he said some awful and unnecessary things that can't be unsaid. We ""made up" sort of but it was one of those deals where I just ate crow and absorbed his crazy reasoning and BS and I'm not feeling the "resolved" thing at all. 

 



-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 4th of December 2016 12:47:25 PM

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El


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Pink, 

I am so sorry it was such an ugly time for you. The good news is that you and your H have come to a better understanding of it all.

BIL sounds toxic, but we all have crap and I am glad for you that he lives far away.  There is a lesson in there somewhere and can only lead to your growth in the long run. 

Take good care of you in your own comfortable environment.  (((Hugs)))



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PC - prayers for a safe and serene flight home!!! Families are so darn difficult and trying to fit into one - well....it's hard for functioning families. They all have the dance they've been doing for years, and you're trying to cut in and just be a part of. Add any dysfunction and well - there are 'dead bodies' after the battle.

These are the times when my sponsor tells me we need to be grateful for the pain.....urgh - this is so freaking frustrating at times!!!

Finding the good - I am reminded that -

It appears a blessing you all live 9 hours away.
It appears a blessing that you are leaving today.
It appears a blessing your spouse is hearing you.
It appears a blessing you are not like the BIL.
It appears a blessing you've got a program to lean on/in to for solutions and growth.

Those popped in my mind - I've been schooled heavily by my sponsor to find the good each time I want to pull my hair or someone else's hair out. Amazingly enough, like Betty suggests with the gratitude and asset lists, it does help me change my attitude and disposition.

(((Hugs))) - you got this. It's over. Let go and let God! Safe journeys to you both!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Hi Mark, what a weekend! So sorry I didn't check in over the weekend. My usual take for me is when these things happen as long as my wife and I get on the same page then anything else is icing on the cake. Sounds like you are getting back in with the hubbie.

doesn't sound like you ever will feel the resolved thing. Good thing you won't have to deal with him much.

Hope the week gets better, it's gotta all be uphill from here!

Kenny

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Just a memory from my early face to face room days and support from my sponsor. The important thing about eating crow is to first take the feathers off of it and cooked well often tastes like chicken.  That is really a thought and attitude tool for this member.  Unconditional love and acceptance helps that very well as I don't collect enemies anymore.  I love the ending of our meetings that counsel me not to gossip or criticize because then I would taking the problem with me and spreading it around which is not my intention or wish any longer.  We did that during the drinking days and when those days passed I knew I am free of them.  This program works and works well and with wonder when we work it and I take that to mean not only with an alcoholic.  Living only in the day I don't run scared of what might come tomorrow.  Take the feathers off.

(((hugs))) smile



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What I take away from this is, guess what, you get to stop and re-start any time you like and, what others think about you is none of your business.
It sounds like a nightmare, but guess what, you get to choose what you do with it. Someone being an ass doesn't have to make you feel horrible; it can be an opportunity to grow. A really good one, if you let it.
Still, thank HP I don't have inlaws and when I did have them, they lived OS. Horrors. Glad it's over.


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Hey Pink,
((hugs)). I can absolutely relate to having an argument with my husband and him being able to sleep me being up all night stewing about it. The snoring just added insult to injury and makes it even worse somehow ;) I have been in the same boat up all night getting more and more pissed with each passing snore. And I've decided not to buy into that whole notion of "we shouldn't go to bed angry". Sometimes things take time to be resolved and I took that notion to the extreme in the past continually waking up my AH from a sound sleep demanding that we resolve things lol. Sounds like it was a tough trip. It seems as though your BIL's comments you found very insulting and against how you see yourself as a person. I work in a similar field to you and I know if someone said that about me I would feel the same. When I find myself in those situations I try to remember "take what you like and leave the rest". I used to take every insult, criticism, rude or snarky comment really personally from people. In my case I took it personally because in some way I thought at some level they were right. That slogan or saying really helps me realize that I don't have to take any of that stuff on. I can let it go if I want to and not feel the need to change their opinion of me. I hope you are doing better today.

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2HP


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Your post resonates with me as a fellow codependent. How others treat me can make or break my day ...... or week or month or ??

Being gay has nothing to do with your experience of course. But I relate to holding onto old ideas of making myself "different" or unique... the me vs. them mentality... For me or against me....  (separatist ideas that scare and hurt me.)

My thinking is clearly what causes me to suffer. It's not about snoring... or people sleeping through my pain. It's about ME sleeping...  through the pain of being hooked by my own painful thoughts and habits... incapable of seeing my life is "unmanageable" and what I need to do to soothe myself now.  

I felt dismissal and disregard and disrespect this weekend too. And I got a hefty serving of lie after lie after lie until I got emotional indigestion. I managed to end a conversation with grace though (miracle.) Exactly like you, I walked away thinking, thinking, thinking.......

And by evening, what had started out as a burning ember in my hand had been fanned all day by my focus. Be the end of the day, it had become full-blown anger (proving once again that what I focus on gets BIGGER.)

Your post helps me to see that anyone can talk to me in any manner they choose, everyone gets free choice. Even if I were to set a boundary and say, "No you can't..." people will either honor the boundary or pee on them. What do I do if they pee on my boundaries?? How is peace achieved then? Where is God when that happens?  who am I responsible to?

I get to choose how I take everything. I get to decide what is true. I get to decide what I'm giving "importance" to. I get to determine if this is about me or them. I get to decide what meaning to give it.

In this way, Life isn't doing anything to me (making me a victim) rather, Life is doing something for me, changing my character to pull me ever closer to the One who has all power.

God is power.

sometimes we make mistakes. And sometimes we shine. Either way, it doesn't affect how God feels about you or me. And that is what is so beautiful, this amazing unconditional love we could be focusing on instead of allowing ourselves to be hooked by illusion and dis-ease... people treating me in a manner consistent with how I think about myself.....

this is what causes suffering.  And this is what can be changed, that's the power we have.

Your post helps me so much to see that I too stand at the turning point today, to turn my will and life over (my thoughts and actions)  as well as the actions and words and attitudes of others and how I'm interpreting them.  I'm going to bundle myself up for a long walk now. I can choose peace instead, intoxicated by the Divine instead... which is probably God's will for me today, eh?

Thank you (((friend)))



-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 5th of December 2016 04:14:34 PM

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Well said 2HP!

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Suzann


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Very well said 2HP. Now the concern is about my husband. This weekend may have tanked his relationship with his brother forever. At least it appears that way now. He also has to come to terms that BIL is locked in a sick codependent relationship with their mother and it wont change. He probably could use alanon too but he wants to start with therapy.

Some of all this mess does relate to their family system being damaged by alcoholism (husband's father recently deceased). Several grandparents...Basically a family of ACOAs.

 

Regardless, I have never seen my husband this sad before. I am glad I have enough program to realize it's not all about me and actually, it never was.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 5th of December 2016 06:03:27 PM

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