The material presented
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I feel that I have been quite good about setting boundaries within the family. I know my limits and I usually instinctively know when I've been sucked in too far. But this time it's the health professional who has sucked me in like a blackhole!
To explain briefly, my sister died last summer from cancer . She leaves behind three children including a toddler. Her husband is doing well and he is trying his best to settle back to normal. He is quite good at home but works away two days a week. I live nearby so have been helping out as have other family members. But I know his tendency to be disorganised and unreliable and this behaviour causes me immense stress so I have been putting down the boundaries etc.
So now a health professional/social worker wants us to put a family plan in place for the safeguarding of the toddler as he is growing up. Things could change over the next 16 years or so so the idea is to keep a watchful eye on him with the help of this service. A very good idea and agreed by all parties. I was the one who contacted this lady in the first place as I was actually looking for bereavement counselling. In short, they do not have the resources to offer me this but they were keen to safeguard the childrens' situation - no objections to any of this. The rest of the family have wanted to wait until after christmas as we are all a bit overwhelmed by one thing and another but the lady very strongly suggested to get the ball rolling by asking me to come in and fill in the initial details: names, contacts, roles etc. On Tuesday she asked me to come in today, Thursday. I told her this was not really suitable as my car was in the garage but she told me to get a taxi! So, trying to do the right thing, I went in this morning, expecting to spend an hour with her. I left after two hours. We did not complete the initial form filling so I have to go back on Monday. I was completely mentally and physically exhausted afterwards.
I collected my two little ones on the way home (in a taxi - that was a bit stressful for me as not used to it), gave them a snack then I went to bed. I couldn't move for almost two hours. I was mentally exhausted, depressed and I felt so heavy. Even though she is the professional and is co-ordinating this great service for our family I felt that I was being sucked dry. I kind of felt judged and it was as if I had some kind of spotlight on me which is probably ok since she is trying to assess the family situation. But I did not feel as if she were kindly, understanding and supportive. But rather that she was kindly, being a do gooder and being bossy. She had no qualms putting me in her diary for Monday without asking me if I were free 'I'll put you down for 11am on Monday'. She seems to think that I should be jumping to get this done even though I told her the family wants to wait. She says that her colleague strongly suggests getting started before Christmas as that is when all the cracks can appear in a family situation like ours. This seems fair enough but she is also talking as if we will all fall apart as a family. I have been trusting that she is the professional and knows from experience what is best for us. She even said 'what will happen when Dad meets a new lady?'. I was a bit taken aback by this as none of us is in any way ready to think of the future in that way yet. Each time she phones me it is without checking to see if it suits. The first time she phoned me I was making dinner (at 6.15pm - outside office hours) and we ended up being on the phone for over an hour (it took over four weeks for me to get any kind of response in the first place so I thought I better talk to her then).
It helps me to write all this down as I am getting a bit of a picture of what's happening. I think she may be used to being in a position of control but her approach seems to be exhausting for me. But I don't want to say anything negative to the other members of the family before we even begin this process. So how do I help out without exhausting myself? I feel as if the right thing for me to do would be to just back out now but that does not feel like the right thing for the family and, especially, the kids.
I am new to this lovely forum. I think my post may be too long so please gently point out to me anything you think I could learn about posting. Thank you for this space. I haven't been to a meeting for two weeks but hope to go in the morning.
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Thursday 1st of December 2016 01:50:15 PM
I just wanted to respond to say that I am so sorry about your sister. This situation sounds pretty stressful and overwhelming. When you add the holidays in am an shocked that this woman is pushing for an resolution by the end of the year. You wrote "I feel as if the right thing for me to do would be to just back out now but that does not feel like the right thing for the family and, especially, the kids.". You wouldn't be backing out if you just told the counselor that you were overwhelmed and needed time to process this in the new year. Best of luck and sending prayers and positive thoughts.
BTW - there are many who write longer posts so no worries.
(((Faintly Falling))) - I truly have no experience directly with this type of situation but have worked with our county folks here for services. It's not an easy process and I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I believe it's perfectly fine for you to 'say what you mean, and mean what you say' as nicely as possible.
I was not good at boundaries or saying what I needed before recovery. I also didn't want to let down others who were trying to help. However, when 'help' from others doesn't feel like it, I now know it's time for me to do some processing. The issue could be all 'me' - but I don't know unless I take a look at it.
You and your family have suffered a tremendous loss. Trying to normalize after a loss is difficult enough - breathe and breathe more and the answers will come. I sure hope you can get out to your meeting - that always tends to bring me a bit of calm, no matter what's going on in my life/family.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. Since you asked for feedback, I would say that after reading you post my impression is that you appreciate this counselor's help but not her manner. Since you've just begun grieving your sister and have added shared responsibility for her children, it would only seem natural that you feel overwhelmed. From personal experience, the holidays the first year after losing a loved one can be very hard. In my family, I was surprised by how differently the grief was experienced from one family member to another. People acted in negative ways that were not typical of them. I, myself was angry over the loss and placed that anger with those closest to me. Holidays in general can be filled with unmet expectations and resentments.
You said in your post that you feel the counselor has the best interest of the toddler in mind. Likely, she has had experience with seeing best intentions fall apart maybe because as you expressed the investigative process is exhausting. Since you are likely already exhausted from the grief process and additional family responsibilities, I can see how you would want to put it on a shelf and not think about it right now. The counselor possibly worries that it won't be revisited after the holidays. Since she has the ball rolling she may be trying in the best interest of the child and you to persist and push to get it done.
Maybe there is a way to work it out by asking for what you need. If it's her manner that is causing you to feel pressured and overwhelmed and wanting to pull back, could you maybe express appreciation for her work but ask for a workable plan for contacting you. I am right there with you when you say it's 6:15 and you are getting dinner together. Most of us want to gather our thoughts/unwind after a long day and eat dinner in peace. Maybe either letting her call go to voicemail or letting her know the times that are good for you to talk with her.
Anyway, I hope something here was helpful and the support from Alanon meetings helps you through your grief. Thank you for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 1st of December 2016 04:34:19 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi Faintly I too am sorry to read of the loss of your sister and am extremely impressed by how the family is handling it , You did great and please remember that:"just showing up is 80% of life.
Glad that you are taking time to rest and I am sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and the entire family.
Hi jazzie18, Iamhere, Hotrod and tiredtonite. Thank you very much for each reply. A lot of kind words and good advice. I got to a meeting this morning which helped. I was asked to do a reading but I had to stop as I quickly became very emotional. I think I may be overwhelmed at the moment and the reality is that I cant continue to communicate with this counsellor in this way. I will have to have a chat with her and set some boundaries. Now that I've written that I don't really want to go there! But I will try.
I have been to 8 counselors over the years trying to straighten myself out. Some were just not a good fit. Some are good for some things and not others. There are no perfect people. The one I have now is a church counselor. She's trying to tell me how I should feel. Don't get me wrong, she's helped in a lot of ways. I think in some ways, I have out grown the need to see a psychologist. Some of them get into counseling for unhealthy reasons.
Don't do anything drastic right now, but just consider she's got her own problems and if she's not helping, take what is helpful and leave the rest. I think the Al Anon group has helped me WAY WAY more than any counseling. There are also free resources on the internet and videos. My daughter got a lot of help with self help books and videos to control her anxiety.
Hi: You are all grieving, not just the children. You are all exhausted and need support. Will you forgive me a reaction that made me smile, although not Al-Anon approved? This lady seems invested in your brother-in-laws future dating life, which make me laugh.
You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. And, there are other ways of dealing with the problem on your own, as a family. Just saying, you have options.
