The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just returned to Al anon after a 20 year absence. I am so glad and grateful to have found a forum as it really helps me when I write things down. I promise I won't make a habit of venting my every issue but I will get this one off my chest if you don't mind. It's been building for a while. it regards yet another blame bout with my partner. Since the cold weather has kicked in my car hasn't been starting. We had couple of big issues with it last week and realise it's the battery. He left it in for servicing on sat and didn't mention about the problem. So it wouldn't start this morning and I've just had a half hour of a stress pile from him as he had to drive the girls to school and he's late for work etc. His stress is understandardable as he has a big work thing tomorrow and he was trying to get away early this morning and he ended up losing an hour instead of being in early by an hour. I started back to Al anon last week and I heard a lady talk about how she reverts to her child behaviour when she is stressed. This is so like my partner (who is not an alcoholic but his dad died from alcohol). So now all I can see is my partner acting like a child when he gets stressed. He blames very easily: 'you can do that later - help me now, stand there, help me reverse, I can't hear you, I'm late, you knew about this last week', phones me to have a rant on the phone, 'I'm stuck in traffic, why didn't you tell me about the new access road' etc etc. We had another couple of these blame sessions last week where I get a torrent of unreasonable abuse. He did come back to me and said sorry then later that day he said sorry again. But it's so stressful when it happens. im so glad that the lady in the Al anon meeting said that as it helps me to see is as his immature behaviour. I know he got his way a lot when he was small and I have often felt he is a bully when trying to get his own way. I do stand up to him and point out that it is unacceptable etc. I just need a place to get these things off my chest so hope it's ok to do that here. Last week was the most stressful I've had in a long time hence I went to two Al anon meetings (which my partner is supportive of). I had a difficult family anniversary mass over the weekend and thought that this week would get me a bit back to normal but it has started with grief instead -aaarrgh! I'm very grateful that Al anon have an online forum.
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Monday 21st of November 2016 05:48:49 AM
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Monday 21st of November 2016 05:50:05 AM
Welcome Faintly Falling, i am pleased that you have decided to return to alanon and implement the tools that work so well in our lives Sharing with people who truly understand and reaching for a recovery tool is what program is all about. It sounds as if the serenity prayer or a simple slogan such as" Let go and let God "would help initially .
I do understand about cars that will not start and the confusion that unfolds. Working the Steps with a sponsor helped me to identify my part in each situation,learn to focus on myself and develop new constructive tools to live by.
Welcome to MIP Faintly Falling - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can relate to the tantrums and how they affect me - for some reason, when it starts, my anxiety begins to rise even if it's not all directed at me! The program has given me tools to calm myself, consider any action or response I might have and also let it go. It was a novel concept to me that it really had nothing to do with me - it was all about them.
I too am glad to hear you're heading back into the program. The steps, tools, support and program really help me to get/stay a bit more centered. I hope you'll keep coming back here too - you are not alone...
Car issues are so stressful and certainly unexpected. We do not realize how much we depend upon things until they are broken or not working as designed! I have also learned that I can start my day over whenever I want/need to - that concept helps me often too! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the welcome and nice words Hotrod. Yes, I'm sheepishly aware that I haven't managed to identify my part in the situation! Cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment. But I trust, with time and Al Anon, I will get there.
Thank you for the welcome Iamhere. I like the word centered and it is reassuring to hear such words of comfort - I am not alone. Somewhere else out there in the world a couple of total strangers picked up their devices/went online and reached out to me. Isn't that nice? And, yes, after my posting here this morning I managed to restart my day nicely and, in fact, have had a more productive than normal day so thank you. X
Aloha Faintly Falling and welcome back. We also had a missing in action member come back to our Super Sunday group after being missing for from 24 - 27 years. Her gratitude for finding our group was palatable and we hugged and held on to her as she let the moment sink in. Don't forget we're here and now so are you with others coming to knock on the door. Thank you HP that you found your way home. (((((hugs)))))
welcome to the board. My AH used to do that to me too. Call me up and rant, vent or blame me for his problems. What helped me was to not take it personally and end the phone call. My usual line is "I don't think this conversation is going well and I don't want to argue so I'm going to go ok?" Then I hang up the phone. He hated it at first but now I notice him taking more responsibility for his own anger. He will say "yeah I think I'm just angry and it's better if we stop talking". When I take myself away as the target it's not as easy for him to blame me. Learning how to set boundaries helped me a lot. He has a right to his feelings but he doesn't have a right to take his anger and frustration out on me. And shocker of shockers he has said the same thing to me once or twice when I call him up ranting lol. (((hugs)))
Thanks for your welcome milkwood. And for your words of encouragement. I'm just getting used to the forum aspect so have yet to find a regular slot for reading, supporting and writing. So sorry for the delay in replying.
Hi kt2015. Thanks for your post. Very interesting to read and a good strategy. It has happened once or twice since my original post and I calmy point out to him that when he is stressed he takes it out on me. He always apologises and indeed does recognise this. He has become more aware of what is happening and can articulate what's going on too which is good. And all because I heard a lady in my second meeting say 'when I get stressed i revert to my child behaviour'. The penny dropped for me at that point.
Retrospect is a wonderful thing. Looking back, was there any other way you could have solved getting the girls to school problem besides the one that made your husband late on a very important day for him? I cherish those moments when my husband (not my qualifier) does something thoughtful without being asked; it brings out my best and I want to make his life easier in return. Problem solving can reduce those stressful diatribes before they need begin.
