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Ugh. I swear these mood swings, daily physical ailments and just general anger and unavailability is almost harder than it was when he was actively using.
Just needed to that off my chest to people that understand.
Early sobriety is not easy to handle on either side of the coin. I needed to increase my meetings to one a day in order to maintain my sanity. Please know you not alone and it gets better
So many associate sober with just not drinking yet it is not that what that is, is just being dry. Sober is a whole mind, spirit, body and emotion condition...they are sane and in control of their thinking and feelings and behaviors. They are supportive and participate together in the family. Dry use to drive me crazy because I couldn't tell if my alcoholic addict was ever sober until the elders in either program told me no.
I went to a speaker meeting featuring Fr. Martin a major support person of recovery who has since passed away. I could not and would not miss that meeting cause I had to know. The title of his talk was the symptoms of sobriety and he summed a very fine presentation with "you know when the alcoholic is sober when you witness the return of the person you lost in the first place". I didn't know my wife ever sober and clean and in the end, after she got clean and sober I didn't recognize the person other than physically and I loved her. Still do...what an awesome person she turned out to be...one that my HP uses as a metaphor for humility in my own recovery. No we never remarried and she lives in my mind and imagination. Hope this happens for others also. ((((hugs))))
Ugh. I swear these mood swings, daily physical ailments and just general anger and unavailability is almost harder than it was when he was actively using. Just needed to that off my chest to people that understand.
I found the first year of my husband's sobriety really difficult to cope with. I didn't see that coming!!
Some of the problems came from him - mood swings, self pity, aches and pains etc, and some were mine - expectations of how I thought it would be, a rising anger and resentments about what we had been through. I really had to knuckle down and work on my own well being and seek out enjoyment as if it was the medicine that I absolutely had to have in order to save my soul.
It got better for me when I got on with my life but I must admit it was a time of great adjustments and it almost got the better of me!
Glad you could off load here - take care and sending restorative (((((hugs)))))
My A is 41 days sober. The first 30 days he was recovering from a fractured leg as well. The self pity, agitation, dry childish mindset, nearly put me over the edge. I had to stop expecting what I thought it should be and just work on staying soft in case he finally achieves sobriety.
My AW has been dry for a year and half now. I thought I saw a bit of sobriety a year ago, but I understand now that we are firmly in dry-land. The hardest part for me is that she insists on calling it sobriety, while I am dealing with self pity, self hate, self deprecation, temper tantrums, mood swings, deep depression, etc. I am really grateful for your post, because it reminds me that I am not alone, and I needed to hear Jerry's explanation of the difference between sober and dry.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Sending positive thoughts and prayers.....each time mine got dry, I help onto hope for change. Nothing more, and nothing less. God has a funny sense of humor as my oldest son got grouchier with each passing day of his clean-time. I used the serenity prayer always/often to keep my focus on me and how I was so easily affected by the moods, reactions, emotions of another person....
I too upped my meetings when I was living with my qualifiers. It really helped me stay present. My sponsor always asked me to keep my eye on what was good/improving vs. what was not. There were days were the simplest answer was less money spent on substances....but I did have to make a list each day. Others days, it was as simple as, "I did not get yelled at today."
It can be very distracting and at times maddening. Love "Bless Them, Change Me" in moments of insanity - and there have been more than I can recall! Which brings to mind, this too shall pass.
(((Hugs))) to all....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow. I am so glad I made this post. It's so nice to hear from others that this type of behavior is normal. I guess I always expected that once he stopped the booze and the pills everything would be "fixed". Watching him deal with emotions for the first time in 26 years (he's 40) is hard but I'm learning that it's his journey and I can't fix it. I hope that once he goes through it we'll be better off on the other side. Thanks again for all your words. They've really spoken to me.
I'm so glad you made this post too..I just asked myself the other day, what has changed other then the absence of alcohol? And "nothing" was my honest answer..I didn't expect a miracle, but I'd hoped for more of who I once knew him to be..instead I get a distant, unemotional, cold person..just not drunk. Many have said its normal, and what he's processing is overwhelming.,but yea, it sucks lol. It's only been a few weeks tho. Stay strong!!
I believe that people turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to either get a break from the existential sadness or pain at the core of their being. Drugs and booze make them feel good (at first). Even people who aren't alcoholics have a few drinks because it's fun. So for addicts without the substance, they have to deal with the core of their being and face their demons or face a reality that they think sucks. Just like we al-anons have to face and accept reality and find a way to love it in order to be happy, joyous, and free, the addicts/alcoholics do, too. And while we have to look back at the hurt and suffering our behavior has caused ourselves and others, the addicts/alcoholics do, too, and often what they've done is pretty awful so it must be really hard to look at. I don't have any first-hand experience with anyone I've loved ever quitting -- whether to get dry or sober, but I can imagine it would be really hard for all involved.
I believe that people turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to either get a break from the existential sadness or pain at the core of their being. Drugs and booze make them feel good (at first). Even people who aren't alcoholics have a few drinks because it's fun. So for addicts without the substance, they have to deal with the core of their being and face their demons or face a reality that they think sucks. Just like we al-anons have to face and accept reality and find a way to love it in order to be happy, joyous, and free, the addicts/alcoholics do, too. And while we have to look back at the hurt and suffering our behavior has caused ourselves and others, the addicts/alcoholics do, too, and often what they've done is pretty awful so it must be really hard to look at. I don't have any first-hand experience with anyone I've loved ever quitting -- whether to get dry or sober, but I can imagine it would be really hard for all involved.
Wow what a great post eim! Very eye-opening! I think you hit the nail on the head with what the A is going through and what the Al-Anoner is going through! Thanks for the insight!
All of this is so true. my husband has a LOT of anxiety, depression and demons that keep him awake at night. He has a lot of shame and guilt. I think that in the past when he's blackout (once a month about) it was in an effort to avoid these anxious and depressive thoughts. I miss him. I miss talking to him. 'My three year old misses him. But I'm learning to create my own happiness for both my son and myself. I hope my husband can find peace. Thanks again everyone!
I feel you 100% Prissykitty, including the AH with anxiety/depression. It complicates everything so much. I feel like there's a lot of 'if only' involved. If only he would stop drinking. If only he would go to meeting/therapy. If only he would work on himself. If only I could trust him. If only, if only, if only. It doesn't stop unless, as everyone else has said, you work on your own happiness, and if he works on being sober and not just dry. You cannot depend on him for your joy - that's all you, boo.
my 45 year old boyfriend (the love of my life) is now 4-weeks sober; not because he wants to be, but rather he has to be. he was in critical condition in ICU with severe acute pancreatitis (along with some other major gallbladder-related issues), solely brought on by his alcoholism and it nearly killed him. the doctors told him if he didn't quit drinking his pancreatitis would return on an even larger-level health scale & it WOULD kill him. so he went through detox while he was there and hasn't had a drop of alcohol since. his mom & spoke often during this time-frame, and still do, and she told me that once sober, i would be with such a more amazingly wonderful man than i was already with. but that's not exactly how it's all worked out. 'crying'
i'm with someone completely new. the person i fell in love with & have known in the past is NO LONGER the same person, since being sober it literally feels like my boyfriend is gone & someone else, in my boyfriends body has taken over. and this "new" person is vastly different than from before. this sounds so selfish, but i want HIM BACK! i want him sober, of course! but i want HIM back!
he is so incredibly disconnected from me & i don't know how to get back to that amazing connection we had prior to all of this.
i worry constantly that he is no longer happy! not with him OR with me OR with us! he / we would always constantly say: "i love you...i love us...i love our life"!
was any part of our relationship prior to 4 weeks ago, even real? can an alcoholic, now sober, actually change, feel and act THIS differently? i'm so confused, angry, sad, emotional & so much more, at this hugely sudden change in him.
we BOTH always felt & verbally stated that we have never felt the way we do with each other than we have with anyone else & that we were the real-deal. our relationship was inherently special! and so strong, amazing, solid & unbreakable. yet in the past 4 weeks ago, it now just seems ordinary, like any other relationship i have ever been in. i hate that because we were (and hopefully still are) so so so different! it WAS real...it had to be! so why then is every aspect of US changing & is no longer the same...not even a little bit.
i am new to all of this! but i feel so helpless. blind. winging it. faking it until we make it. alone. confused. so SCARED. and so so sad & emotional.
HELP!
Aloha Chel8 and welcome to the board. I am sad with you that you are seeing and feeling the way you do and I understand it having gone thru it myself both as the husband of an alcoholic/addict and an alcoholic myself. It is about what change brings to the family when sobriety is decided for. I had no idea what the disease was about when I first arrived at Al-Anon...I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know..."dumb as a stick" I describe it and when she got clean and sober for a while I wailed at it and then she went back out and I screamed a war scream. When I got sober she had the same "what's happening responses" and neither of us knew because we didn't.
What we needed was a Higher Power to step in between us and keep us apart so that each of us had a chance at life and that happened...I got sober and am alive and she got clean and sober and stayed alive also; we both got what we wanted for each other and divorced. AMAZING!! I love her more clean and sober than I ever did when she was drunk and loaded.
If I got my way when I wanted it she would be dead and so would I. So fair is fair we both lived. Thank you God.
Keep coming back Chel8 there are many miracles to come. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP chel - glad you found us and glad that you shared! It's an unknown - the answer to all your questions. An alcoholic that is not working a program of recovery may/may not be happy without their 'crutch' - the substance. We (members of Al-Anon Family Group) work on our own recovery.
What is well documented is alcoholism is a disease - and it's also considered a family disease. What that means is it reaches well beyond the drinker and affects those who live with or love them. We often develop distorted thinking and less than positive coping mechanisms that leave us miserable, isolated, emotional and kind of lost.
Al-Anon is a program of recovery for friends and family of alcoholics. You are welcome to attend whether he is in any recovery program or not. I found others who understood what I was living with and dealing with and who listened without judgement or advice. They gave me hope that I could be happy and serene no matter what my qualifier was/was not doing.
My hope is you will seek out local meeting(s) and give it a try. Please keep coming back here too! There is hope and help in recovery.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
